Radio Stations Across America Get Into the Holiday Season Early by Annoying the Shit out of Everyone

The end of Thanksgiving marks a special time in America: the official start of the holiday season. In celebrating the holidays, easy listening and oldie stations across America change formats from their regular fare to seasonal favorites, thus assuring that everyone in America will be depressed and suicidal well before the actual Christmas holiday arrives.

In Pittsburgh, stations like 94.5 3WS and 99.7 WISH, have been switched over to their holiday play lists since before Thanksgiving. Local resident and 3WS listener Marianne Stevens professed to enjoying the Christmas favorites for about thirty minutes.

"I was really excited to hear Mariah Carey sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You.' But after they played Little Drummer Boy for the twelfth goddamn time in one day I was officially annoyed as shit."

Statistics show that in cities with two or more radio stations with Christmas programming, homicides rise a cheery 25% in December and suicides go up a jolly 50%.
  

American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter

What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.

The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.

According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.

The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.

Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.

Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.

Disney Announces New Miley Cyrus Brand Pole

Miley Cyrus is growing up fast... and Disney has no problem taking advantage.

Although it appeared that Disney, the parent owner of the succesful Hannah Montana series, was irked by August's pole dancing performance by Miley during the Teen Choice Awards, it now appears Disney is taking the oppurtunity to capitalize on the mini scandal.

Disney announced today that they will begin selling a "Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana Brand Dancing Pole." Although not specifically marketed as a strippers pole, Disney made sure to let tween consumers know that the pole can be used in the same manner as Miley Cyrus used her pole back in August.

"The new Miley Cyrus Brand Dancing Pole is the next product in the Miley Cyrus consumer goods empire. Now kids of all ages can pole dance just like their hero Miley did on the Teen Choice Awards."

The pole will be marketed towards girls aged 10 to 16. Disney is already purchasing heavy commercial air time and will begin a blitz marketing campaign on its most popular shows like Hannah Montana, That's so Raven, Wizards of Waverly Place, Sonny With a Chance and Jonas.

The product will be sold at retailers such as Toys R' Us, Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sears and cost about 75 dollars.

RIAA Bans People Who Became Famous Through Visual Media From Releasing Music

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced today that actors and actresses who achieved fame through roles in television and film would no longer be allowed to release or distribute music through any of its member companies. Member companies of the RIAA distribute more than 85% of all music traded in the United States. The move comes after a noticeable increase in attempts to cross over into the world of music, including Drake, Leighton Meester, Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, and Scarlett Johansson.

According to RIAA spokesperson Lindsay Carmichael, "Now that we've stopped sending out copyright infringement notices, the major problem on our organizational credibility is the so-called music being created by these already famous people. This will help clear our member rosters for people who use auto-tune as an option rather than out of necessity."

When asked if this ban would cover musicians and singers who had attempted to move into acting, Carmichael added, "According to our market research, the real problem is actors trying to make it as singers. Singers and musicians who have effectively made the transition to acting, like Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears, and Mariah Carey, will remain on our member labels. Whether they remain in TV or movies is for SAG [Screen Actors Guild] to worry about."

During the press conference, a reporter from Rolling Scone sister organization Radio Free Suburbia asked Carmichael what this meant for Justin Timberlake, who became famous through the Disney's The Mickey Mouse Club, but later as a singer with 'N Sync and as a solo artist. Carmichael stated that the text of the bylaw included an exception for people who became famous through visual media before their 18th birthday. Unfortunately that means that the rest of us are going to be subjected to even more Miley Cyrus in the future.

9 out of 10 White Ethnic Slurs Prefer New WAMO Format

On September 8th, 2009, WAMO-FM, Pittsburgh's only Mainstream Urban radio station, shuttered its doors forever. The switch to a new format has upset many of Pittsburgh's African-American listeners, who are now without an urban programming outlet.

Currently the station's format is listed as "silent" and is broadcasting fuzz at 37,000 watts.

While many in the urban community are upset, a Rolling Scone poll found that 9 out of 10 white ethnic slurs prefer the new fuzz format to the previous urban one.

ROLLING SCONE ONLINE POLL:
Question 1: What stereotypical ethnic slur best describes you?
Question 2: 106.7 WAMO-FM recently changed its format to "Silent" from "Mainstream Urban." Do you prefer the old "Urban" format or the new "Silent" one?

Results:
Cracker - 93% Silent // 2% Urban // 5% Too White To Care
Redneck - 92% Silent // 1% Urban // 7% Don't Have a Radio
Honky - 89% Silent // 11% Urban
Dago - 86% Silent // 12% Urban // 2% Too Busy Putting Grease In My Hair To Answer Question
Mick - 85% Silent // 5% Urban // 10% Drunk
Pollack - 82% Silent // 9% Urban // 9% Being Invaded by Germany
Whitey - 79% Silent // 1% Urban // 20% Only Listen to Yanni
WASP - 75% Silent // 0% Urban // 25% Moved to Kennebunkport During the Question
Roundeye - 74% Silent // 21% Urban
Wigger - 11% Silent // 85% Urban

Wynonna Judd the Hutt Disses Taylor Swift after CMA Win

On Wednesday Taylor Swift became the youngest winner ever of the coveted Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award. Being just 19 years old, Swift's win has upset some of the older, more established members of the country music scene.

Wynonna Judd the Hutt, the infamous 600 year old head of the Judd family and third cousin of Tatooine gangster Jabba the Hutt, doesn't think that Swift was ready for the honor. Speaking out against Taylor, Wynonna Judd the Hutt expressed her disproval for the win.

"Tah-koh tee womp rat e’nachu Taylor Swift. Ha skrunee da pat Sleemo."

 However, once Thursday rolled around the gregarious Wynonna Judd the Hutt took back some of the harsher words that she had leveled at Swift the night before.

"Dopo mee gusha, peedunkey." She said speaking out on her official website. "Kee baatu baat."

Judd the Hutt won over 400 years ago when she herself was only 22 and was one of the youngest winners of the award. This fact led many to believe that it was simply sour grapes that led Judd the Hutt's diss. And as everyone knows Hutt's have notoriously bad dispositions

Mr. Electricity To Crush 105.9 the X Morning Radio Show

Breaking News...

Trouble is brewing on Pittsburgh morning radio. Rolling Scone-Online has learned that Art the former 105.9x intern, aka Mr. Electricity, has his sights set squarely on 105.9's popular morning show featuring Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin. Formerly an intern, Art was able to parlay his success as an intern for Tim Benz into his own online only radio show. Although the show airs at a different hour than the morning show, and only one day a week, it is clear that Mr. Electricity has his eyes on the proverbial morning show prize.

Although any attempts to contact the budding star of the Mr. Electricty Radio Show were rebuffed, Rolling Scone can only assume that Mr. Electricty will become popular enough to eventually move to the 6 to 10am time slot that the X Morning Show currently occupies. Once there he will no doubt stop at nothing to destroy Tim Benz and Bob McLuaghlin and bring their show to ruins. Through his wit, highbrow humor and silver tongue, Art will bring his trademark sound to the new Mr. Electricity show.

Rolling Scone can only hypothesize about Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin's reaction to the news, but our guess is that it is one of pure abject terror. It can be safely deduced that they are both readying their resumes for the job search that they will likely have to undertake once their show is crushed by their former intern.

More details to follow when they become available.

Rihanna on GMA: "I'm ashamed of many things... especially my hairstyle."

Rihanna, appearing on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer, spoke out on a variety of subjects including Chris Brown, her family and her newest hairstyle.

Frankly I'm ashamed of how I look right now," Rihanna said amongst tears. "I can't believe this network would allow me to go on a national show with a hairstyle that looks like Star Trek Deep Space 9's Bajoran militia officer Kira Neyrs."

Diane Sawyer, who conducted the interview which will air on both GMA and 20/20, tried to press Rihanna on her past altercations with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown. However, Rihanna was more intent on berating herself for her hair style. An excerpt of the interview follows.


Diane Sawyer: Now, Rihanna. Why did you stay with Chris [Brown] after he continuously beat you?

Rihanna: Diane, If I may I'd like to move away from that kind of subject matter and concentrate on something much more importan; my hairstyle. It's completely ridiculous. Honestly, I bet Justin [Timberlake, her new Boyfriend] is going to dump me as soon as he see's this.

Diane Sawyer: Ok, well I think we've discussed this enough, let's talk about your growing up in Barbados.

Rihanna: I'm just going to stop you right there Diane, I don't think anyone is going to care about the upbringing of a woman with a two-toned pompadour.

Diane Sawyer: Well...

Rihanna: I almost don't even blame Chris for beating me, maybe if he hit me a little bit harder I would have gained some common sense and hired a new hairdresser.

Swine Flu Brings Rolling Scone to a Screeching Halt

The offices of Rolling Scone Online will be temporarily closed due to founder Joseph Steigerwald being stricken with the swine flu. Depending on his subsequent death or recovery, Rolling Scone will either be back up and running shortly or it will be sold to Arab industrialists for pennies on the dollar.

Blogger Has Writers Block

Steven Shaw of the Yahoo Music Blog Musicians' Fiend is in the midst of the worst writer's block of his life. His satirical blog has gone over a week without a new post and his scant readership is fading fast.

"I worry that they're gonna can me unless I put something out," Shaw told RS-Online in a phone interview on Monday.

"I've been trolling the usual magazines and websites -Rolling Stone, NME, Blender - searching for something interesting to write about. I thought about maybe mocking Lil' Wayne's recent jail sentence, but he's so last month. He over-saturated himself! I think people are glad to see him in jail just so people won't have to listen to him guest star in another shitty song. Then I figured, hell, I'll just make up some list, like The Best Songs to Listen to While Stuck in Traffic on a Monday. But I couldn't think of anything other than 'Walkin' on Sunshine' and 'Manic Monday'. I considered calling up some washed-up celebrity and asking them about their favorite songs of all time - I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff isn't doing much on a Sunday Night other than watching Baywatch reruns and listening to Kraftwerk. Any of those would have made killer blog entries, but the Saints were on TV and, well, I ended up putting it off another day. And then it turned into another day. And another. So here I sit at my computer with a blank page and a blinking cursor. Maybe I'll just make up a story about Lady Gaga having herpes."

THE ROLLING SCONE INTERVIEW: BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG

Today on the Scone: The Exclusive Rolling Scone Interview With Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.

RS: Hello, Billie.
Billie: Hello, Rolling Scone.
RS: How are you?
Billie: I'm well, and you, Mr. Scone?
RS: I am well, thank you.
...

Billie: So...
RS: Well Billy, I'd like to ask you some questions.
Billie: OK, fire away.
RS: Question one: How do you respond when people tell you you've sold out?
Billie: Well, Mr. Scone, I have to confess, it's terrible. Every time a mohawked boy with a nose ring comes in and tells me that my bands music was better on Kerplunk!, well, I die a little bit inside.
RS: So, you hate the fame and fortune, don't you?
Billie: I really do. I miss the rejection. The driving 200 miles in our old van down to an old bar just to get stiffed by the manager and chased out with a baseball bat. I hate the adoring fans. I miss our shows with 12 drunks throwing beer bottles at us because we didn't play Skynyrd covers. What I especially hate is all the money and the groupies. I bought myself a 250 GT Spyder California for about a million dollars last month. It is so choice. I had sex with two supermodels in the backseat within three hours of buying the car. And for what? I just hated myself even more than when I found out that that American Idiot sold over 14 million albums worldwide.
RS: So you hate your new album as much as everyone else does?
Billie: Yes! I hate the new album. I hate making the music that I want to make. I hate myself... I cry myself to sleep nightly when I think about how I used falsetto and piano on the last two albums. Piano?! I mean, come on! Pianos are for Air Supply and Elton John, not the band that made song about jerking off cool for the radio.
RS: So how are you going to kill yourself in order to atone for every album you've made since you went to a major label?
Billy: Well, Mr. Scone, I plan on committing Hari-kiri with the guitar I used on the recording of Dookie.
RS: Anything to say to your former fans?
Billie: I am so, so, so sorry.

Pompous Jerk Online Blog Editor Tires of Pretentious Indie Friends, Probably Won't Hang Out With Them Anymore

Joseph Steigerwald, Senior Blogger at the still unknown Rolling Scone - Online and drinker of his own intellectual Kool-Aid, has grown tired of his indie and lo-fi loving "friends." Mr. Steigerwald came to this realization during a recent party at his swanky new Mt. Washington house with a jacuzzi and a killer view that overlooks the city. During the party, two of his more opinionated "friends" were arguing about who was better, U2's the Edge or Jack White of the White Stripes. The two droned on and on about pointless minutiae, everything from who was a better guitar player to whether or not using too many guitar delay pedals made the Edge less of a musician. As Mr. Steigerwald's eyes drooped, he realized that he should probably find some friends who like Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance instead of Arcade Fire and Ryan Adams, as they would probably be more into doing keg stands and hitting on chicks. "Everyone knows that Ryan Adams is completely overrated," Mr. Steigerwald told Rolling Scone during a recent interview from his 3rd story penthouse, "I just wish that these 'friends' of mine were into good music, like the things I listen to. I have the best and most varied taste in music out of anyone. I think it's official, I'm going to start hanging out with really slutty girls and guys who drink Jagerbombs and wear Affliction t-shirts. Those are my people now."

CDC Puzzled By High Concentrations of Herpes Outbreaks March 12 - April 9

The Center for Disease Control has recently undertaken an investigation into an alarming explosion of the diagnosis of genital herpes in multiple U.S. Cities starting March 12, 2009 and ending on the week of April 9th, 2009. The outbreaks, which started in San Diego, followed an unidentifiable pattern that has left many scientists baffled. The following is chart shows the first date of the increased diagnoses, the city, and the percentage above the normal amount of cases.

March 12 – San Diego, CA - +200% in Herpes Diagnoses
March 13 – Los Angeles - +212%
March 14 – San Francisco - +1142%
March 16 – Seattle, WA - +546%
March 17 – Portland, OR - +234%
March 18 – Vancouver, BC - +194%
March 21 – Denver, CO - +251%
March 23 – Minneapolis, MN - +200%
March 24 – Chicago, IL - +295%
March 25 – Pontiac, MI - +234%
March 26 – Toronto, ON - +634%
March 27 – Ottawa, ON - +333%
March 28 – Montreal, QC - +225%
March 30 – Boston, MA - +231%
March 31 – New York, NY - +251%
April 1 – Philadelphia, PA - +836%
April 2 – Washington, DC - +5342
April 3 – Richmond, VA - +236%
April 6 – Orlando, FL - +1135%
April 7 – Tampa, FL - +234%
April 8 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL - +234%
April 9 – Atlanta, GA - +234%

Following the week of April 9th, the CDC reported no incidences of increased herpes cases in any city. So far there have been no hypothesis on what caused the outbreak. CDC press correspondent Alfred Stein spoke with RS online yesterday. "So far these herpes outbreaks were contained within these selected cities and we believe that the increased number of incidences will not continue within the previously infected cities or any new cities. As of now it is suffice to say these were isolated incidents and the public need not fear any more outbreaks." Asked if the CDC has any leads, Stein assured RSonline that "[The CDC] has looked at all available data and has been analyzing any possible leads for months now. However, we have come up empty on any correlations. Therefore we here at the CDC have determined that this was just a fluke occurrence, and absolutely nothing else."

LADY GAGA 2009 + 2010 TOUR SCHEDULE

LADY GAGA TOUR SCHEDULE

2009 -
March 12 – San Diego, CA – House of Blues
March 13 – Los Angeles, CA – Avalon
March 14 – San Francisco, CA – Mezzanine
March 16 – Seattle, WA – The Showbox / The Market
March 17 – Portland, OR – Wonder Ballroom
March 18 – Vancouver, BC – The Commodore Ballroom
March 21 – Denver, CO – Gothic Theatre
March 23 – Minneapolis, MN – Fine Line Music Café
March 24 – Chicago, IL – House of Blues
March 25 – Pontiac, MI – Crofoot Ballroom
March 26 – Toronto, ON – Elements
March 27 – Ottawa, ON – Bronson Center
March 28 – Montreal, QC – Metropolis
March 30 – Boston, MA – House of Blues
March 31 – New York, NY – Webster Hall
April 1 – Philadelphia, PA – Theatre of the Living Arts
April 2 – Washington, DC – 9:30 Club
April 3 – Richmond, VA – Toad’s Place
April 6 – Orlando, FL – House of Blues
April 7 – Tampa, FL – The Ritz
April 8 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL – Revolution
April 9 – Atlanta, GA – Centerstage
2010 -
Oct 27 - New York City
Dec 30 - Washington DC
Mar 13 - Auckland, New Zealand
Mar 15 - Christchurch, New Zealand
Mar 17 - Sydney, Australia
Mar 18 - Sydney, Australia
Mar 22 - Bruce, Australia
Mar 23 - Melbourne, Australia
Mar 24 - Melbourne, Australia
Mar 26 - Boondall, Australia
Mar 28 - Boondall, Australia
Mar 30 - Hindmarsh, Australia
Apr 2 - Perth, Australia

My Chemical Romance Vocalist Vows to One-Up Pete Wentz and Shave Other Things On Stage

Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus and Fall Out Boy frontman had a special moment during their concert on Saturday night in New York City's Madison Square Garden. Wentz beckoned Hoppus to centerstage during the Fall Out Boy set and proceeded to shave Wentz's trademark hairstyle, a long, straight shage with sideswept, choppy bangs into a no-nonsense buzzcut.

Wentz's haircut signals the end of an emo era, but not everyone is going to let the emo swoosh die quietly. In particular, My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way, longtime style rival and frenemy of Wentz, plans to make a mockery of Wentz's style evolution.

Way wrote on his band's blog:

...petey wentz declares that the emo swoosh is dead and the press goes wild? hahahahahahaha. next time we play the garden, i'm gonna whip out my junk and have matt bellamy [lead singer of Muse] give me a full manscaping...

Matthew Bellamy could not be reached for comment.

A Month in the Twitter Life of Courtney Love aka Courtneylover 79

Just Sold Kurty's rights to activizon in xchange for about 10million. Soooooo glad I killed Kurt back in 94.going to blame this all on dave and novy and come off scott free as usual. I had some concrns bout the way kurt looked but i got to pick out all his clothes and supplied the fotos and shit. I know kurt hated having fun and anything lightharted but i think the 10 i got put those thoughts str8 to bed.Grhol and Novy are gonna be so pissed. lol..

8:23 PM Sept 1st from web


Just ordered my new bumpersticker formy Bentley... LOL. It says "I killed Kurt Cobain and All I Got Was This Lousy Bupersticker." Itz funny cuz it'll be on my bentley. lol. Dave Grhol can burn in hell.btw.

4:12 PM Sept 4th from web


played new guitar hero with Kurt n it. had kurt singing som Bon Jovi, who he hated, kind of ... what the word for it.. i dunno.. too much meth in me... fuck wheres the cat... more plastic surgey in the morning... getting a new vaj. cost about 500g's... just ate a whole cake.

11:49 PM Sept 7th from web


@everetttrue you can assrape dave he was always a bad seed and is stillriding the shit while i take bulletsif theres a hell hes going.im not.. invr once rode kurts cotails... unless you count how he wrote all my muzik for me. but i dontcount that.

1:01 AM Sept 9th from web

howcould people blame me for all this! I cnat believe ghrol sold out kurt. I cried for hours last night after i saw kurt performing a bonjovi song in the game. If kurt was alive.. he'd probably kill himself all over again if he saw his imgage singing a jovi song. hewasalwayssosensitiveandsweet. I shouldn't have killed him. :( :( :( :(

3:04 AM Sept 13th from web


withdrew my 10million, had it put into 1dollar bills and spread it around my bed. now i sleep on my bloodmoney. Kurt would be pissed.lol.

4:02 PM Sept 14th from web


bonjvoi twittered me asking what the big deal is about kurt singing hissongs in a videogame, told me we all need to get a sense of humor. I told him to ufck off. Bonjovi is the devil and his musix is total shite. noone whow wasnt a ufkcing unct louwd lte kurt sng taht shte.

5:23 AM Sept 16th from web


Stupid Kurt woke me up from my dream about everetttrue assraping Dave Grohl. Kicked Kurt outside fed him his catchow went back to sleep.Dave Ghrohl can burn in hell.

5:51 AM Sept 19th from web


guessimgoing to have to start protecting my tweets. people keep gettingthe wrong idea about me. fucking media, always smearingme.iget blamed for verything.

2:12 PM sept 23rd from web

Ben Gibbard Gets Married, Will Cease Recording Music... Building Up Artistic Cred for Use After Divorce in 5-10

Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service frontman Ben Gibbard married actress/singer Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer, She & Him) in the indie rock wedding of the century on September 19, 2009. The couple announced their engagement last December and married in an intimate ceremony near Seattle. However, their union is bittersweet for Gibbard, who after years of writing songs that are "hopelessly romantic" but "wary of love," may finally have nothing to write about.

"Look at Zooey, she's every hipster guy's dream girl. The bangs and retro dresses, coupled with a genuine talent in multiple artistic fields. There's no way a [Gibbard] could recover from that," said Ryan Adams in an exclusive interview with Rolling Scone. "You can't marry someone that perfect without your art suffering." Adams uniquely qualified to comment on Gibbard's situation, as he married pop princess Mandy Moore earlier this year. Adams often releases multiple albums in one year, but has almost completely stalled since his marriage to Moore.

Some industry insiders are expecting Gibbard to avert a lack of material with a series of vomit-inducing duets in the vein of Mates of State or Jordan and Peter Andre. Others in the industry speculate that the expected musical drought is only temporary. They believe that Gibbard is simply preparing for the future by building up the emotional connection needed to be appropriately devastated in 5-10 years when the relationship ends. A source from his record label, Atlantic Records, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Rolling Scone that he's heard Gibbard talk about someday writing his own Sea Change (Beck's album about the end of his relationship with designer Leigh Limon).

Another unnamed source close to Gibbard agrees. "Ben's had indie girls falling at his feet for years, but waited until he found the queen of them all to settle down. He knows that the higher he sets his expectations, the harder he'll fall when she finally realizes he's a total goon. He knows that this is what has to happen for him to write the emotional indie rock that made him famous. And after the breakup, the cycle will continue."

Obama Reaches Across Aisle, Finally Earns Bipartisan Support

Barack Obama's off-the-record candor has finally earned him the bipartisan support that he has sought since becoming the 44th President of the United States. Although he has failed to drum up support across the aisle for his universal health care and economic policies, and his poll numbers have fallen to personal lows, his recent off-the-record comments about Kanye West have finally brought critics over to his side. During downtime in a recent interview, he was caught on camera saying, "He's a jackass," while discussing Kanye's recent interruption of Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. This elicited laughter from the crew filming the interview, although Obama immediately seemed to tense up in the afterwards of the remark. In recent days, he has come to embrace his candid dig at Kanye.

This week, Obama has made the rounds on the late night shows, appearing only to say his new catch phrase, "He's a jackass!" Even his critics have grudgingly offered praise. Conservative stalwarts like Glen Beck said, "Finally, the first real, un-scripted thing that Obama has said. Something we, in both parties, can get behind." Right-wing radio mainstay Rush Limbaugh opined, "Obama is finally backing up his rhetoric about bipartisanship, I think we can all get behind him in calling Kanye West a jackass." MSNBC firebrand Keith Olbermann offered effusive praise for Obama calling him a "revolutionary" and saying that "this criticism is as important as anything Obama has said or done to date. Bravo, Mr. President." A recent Rasmussen Poll has shown a significant 10 point jump in his approval ratings since the footage aired and perhaps, more importantly, that Obama can really reach across the aisle to both parties.

REVIEW: Muse - The Resistance

MUSE - THE RESISTANCE
Quick Take: Muse ups the classical influences, but still finds room to rock.

Best Track(s): Guiding Light, Resistance

If you’re listening to the new Muse album “The Resistance,” chances are you’re not a regular Pitchfork reader. In fact if you find yourself enjoying skillful instrumental interplay that adorns the early troika of songs (“Uprising”, “Resistance”, “Undisclosed Desires,”) opening the album, you may in fact be one of the increasingly scarce fans of MUSIC. That’s music as in big bold, multi-tracked guitars, bass lines that scamper from the first frets of E to the heights of G, drums that confound the senses, pianos with endless octaves and strings, STRINGS, STRINGS everywhere. You don’t listen to music for introspective lyrics; in fact you probably don’t even listen to the verses. You’re just in it for those fist pumping choruses, full of we(s) and us(s) and resistance(s) and uprising(s) never break us(s). These are the things you crave in your MUSIC, and fortunately for you, Muse is about to tickle your fancy (if that’s your sort of thing read on.)

If you made it past the first 15 seconds of the opener “Uprising” you will probably be absolutely in love the rest of the album… Actually scratch that, if you were able to look at the track listing and a three part orchestral piece called “Exogenesis: Orchestra” didn’t cause you to either a) vomit or b) stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and hum the latest Grizzly Bear album for the next 15 minutes you will probably be absolutely in LOVE with the rest of the album. Muse lives in a black and white world and you’re either with us, or against us.

“The Resistance,” is the fifth studio album from the worlds first and only space-prog-rock-opera-wtf band. If you’re still reading this review, you probably are a Muse fan, otherwise you’d be reading this review on PITCHFORK or ROLLING STONE and you would probably be smirking while reading the slightly derogatory, better than thou review which of course will be giving the album between 2.5 and 3 stars and then flipping (or browsing) to the breaking news that says “omg Pavement is getting back together!...” the 2.5 to 3 stars that is just enough to placate the fans, but not high enough to turn off all the cool kids who hate Muse from thinking that said magazine is losing its edge.

Alright, now that we’ve dispensed with the haters, what’s next? Oh, the music. OK, think of “Black Holes and Revelations,” now blow that up by about 15, ramp up the classical music influences by 10, multiply the insanity of Matt Bellamy by 9.6, end with a three part symphony and ta-da! new Muse. The music itself is impossible to quantify on its own, either you know what Muse sounds like or you don’t. What started as a sort of quasi-Radiohead sound has now fused with Beethoven, Gershwin and Queen and then sautéed with Spinal Tap, these songs go up to 11, (or 12… or 13). Each successive album has increased the intensity, and theatrics. In comparison, "Showbiz" and "Origin of Symmetry" sounds like exhibitions of restraint. Even “Absolution” and “Revelations” had their downtime, a break or two in the insanity and a chance to cleanse your aural palate. No dice here; “The Resistance,” keeps on hitting. It actually can become overwhelming in some places if you try and listen to things individually. In these instances don’t panic, just let the waves of sound pummel you until the song ends.

Uprising begins the album in the album in the usual Muse fashion. A left cross to the face, a synth line that could have been lifted from Nightmare on Elm Street, with a shout along chorus, and a killer bass line. Resistance finds them in their most familiar state of play, a la “Revelations'” Starlight and Invincible. Undisclosed Desires finds them in Depeche Mode territory, with dancing synth lines and a drum machine beat. Guiding Light, the best song on the album builds slowly, with shimmering synths, a killer 3 second guitar solo until it builds up enough emotion for one more breaking chorus. MK Ultra is a driving rock song dressed up with octave jumping synths. The United States of Eurasia, is a song that cannot possibly be described in words, but be prepared for a chorus from an off-Broadway play, a soothing piano solo, echoes of Rush’s 2112 and a instrumental break that sounds like it was lifted from Final Fantasy. As the album progresses the songs get grander, more complicated, culminating in the three part Exogenesis Orchestra. If that wasn’t enough, Bellamy also sings in French.

What binds the songs together throughout the album (besides their extravagance,) is Muse's willingness to sound like nothing else in music, and the incredible dexterity and skill of the three main players. Matthew Bellamy, who handles vocals, guitar and piano may be the most talented triple threat in popular music. He also may be one of the most grandiose and over the top, but he never operates in guitar hero territory, he sticks to indelible production, which adds big shiny lairs of sound to every track. Strings are everywhere, and his guitar takes a backseat to his voice. Bellamy may take most of the credit for the sound but Christopher Wolstenholme’s bass cannot be ignored. Previously it could be heard as the centerpiece for songs like Muscle Museum and Hysteria. For “The Resistance” it occupies a slightly lower place in the mix, but his mix of boogie and drive is still integral to the sound and just sounds awesome on songs like Resistance and MK Ultra. Drummer Dominic Howard tends to get lost in the space opera, but his drumming is the perfect kind of backing for this type of music and propels the music perfectly. He locks in perfectly with Wolsetnholme to add the punishing riffs that bring the band its heavy sound. But when necessary he can provide the funky dance beats (I Belong to You), in the rare time that Muse comes down from their usual dominion in the dark matter.

“The Resistance” is an excellent album from end to end, and although its not quite as revolutionary as “Blackholes and Revelations” or as driving and urgent as “Absolution,” it still represents another step in the evolution the band. It has to be noted that the sound hasn’t strayed too far from the driving bass, neo classical piano and tremolo guitar solo ground work which was laid out on the very first song on their 1999 debut, “Showbiz’s” Sunburn. But while the sound may be technically similar, but “The Resistance” relies on its classical roots over the hard charging rock of their past.

Muse isn’t for everyone, this I fully understand and have accepted. You either like them or you don’t, and the sound isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Because of that I am prepared to offer two completely different ratings: one for the Muse fans, and the other for the assholes that have no idea what good music sounds like and probably listen to Pavement, and are dumb.

Verdict:
(For Muse Fans and Smart Good Looking People): B+
(Pavement and Pitchfork Fans): C-

Kanye West Issues Apology to Taylor Swift After Reading Your Facebook Status

Kanye West, whose stump speech for Beyonce having the best video of the decade came during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video, has decided to issue an apology after reading the harsh responses on Facebook. Kanye West, who has admitted that he spends most of his days trolling Facebook looking for mentions of his name in status updates, was taken aback by the negative comments and status updates that went up by the millions just seconds after his faux pas.

"I'm Kanye West, so I figured that anything I do would be greeted by adoration." Kanye West said in an exclusive interview after the VMA's. "But then I went on Facebook and searched for my name... and I was horrified. Amanda Lynn of San Jose St. University said that 'I was an asshole for interrupting sweet little Swift,' Kyla Anderson wrote that 'I now officially hate Kanye West.' But the most damning of all was Jackie Stouffer of Mt. Union High School's poll on whether or not I was out of line for interrupting Taylor Swift. I couldn't believe it! 90% of the 10 respondents said 'yes'. I haven't had this many negative comments since the fish sticks incident. Therefore I would like to apologize to Taylor, even though she doesn't care about black people."