RollingScone's Top Stories of the Week!

Brett Michaels Hit by Falling Karma
Brett Michaels, precocious star of Rock of Love and former lead singer of Poison, was hit on the head by a falling piece of karma at the Tony Awards last week. The piece of stage was knocked loose by Brett's past transgressions which range from dating Pamela Anderson to having sex with multiple floozy's for three seasons of Rock of Love without any consequences. However during the Tony awards all his previous sins finally came to a head and the piece of stage struck him in the head and knocked him out.

The Society of Tight Pants and Chuck T's (STPCT) Removes Kings of Leon from Acceptable List; Issues Warning to Grizzly Bear
The Society of Tight Pants and Chuck T's, the secret organization which regulates what kind of music that today's indie and emo kid's can like, has officially removed Kings of Leon from its list of acceptable bands to like. the STPCT had issued a warning to Kings of Leon after Molly's Chambers was used on a car commercial. However, the King's latest album, "Because of the Times" with its singles Sex on Fire and Someone Like You have received far too much radio play for the band to remain acceptably cool. Indie kids are advised to denigrate the band by saying the songwriting is too poppy and by saying that the album is over produced. Calling the band "sell-outs" is also urged. The STPCT has also issued a warning to the band Grizzly Bear due to their album making the Billboard top 10.

Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" playing on New York Radio Stations 24/7 for the Past 3 Months
For the past three months, at every minute of every day, 24/7, Lady Gaga's super hit "Poker Face" has been on the radio on one of 12 New York Radio Stations. From the Spanish language Mega 97.9 to 107.5 WBLS urban contemporary, "Poker Face" was run on a continual loop. Additionally on June 1st at 12:23am, "Poker Face" could be found on 7 of the 12 NYC radio stations simultaneously. The run was finally broken on June 11th when "Poker Face" was completely absent from the radio for 25 seconds, until Fresh 102.7 played the song and started another 4 day cycle of continuous play.

Simon Cowell: America Still Not Ready for Interesting American Idol

Simon Cowell, noted producer and star of Fox's American Idol, has released a scathing attack on every single person living in America after the surprise loss by Adam Lambert in the finals. Upset by the surprising results, which came after he all but guaranteed a victory by the flashy interesting and now un-closeted Adam Lambert, Simon Cowell released this statement yesterday to Billy Bush and Entertainment Tonight.

"I see that Americans, the wankers that they are, have absolutely no taste in anything. All that bollocks about America no longer being bigoted is complete rubbish. Sure Obama got elected, but who the hell cares about the President and Democracy, we're talking about American Idol here, we're much more popular than President Muppet, always cocking-up things around the world. Well those barmy Americans go ahead and vote for some prat named Kris, cor blimey he spells it with a K! Kris with a K. I shoulda known these are the same wankers who voted for Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. So we get this dodgy prick named Kris instead of the guy-lined Adam. I mean Christ, Brian May loved this chap, and I think he knows talent when he sees it. Americans can elect blacks, whites, Jews, girls, gays, straights, but those wankers still haven't learned how to elect a bloody interesting Idol yet. Here is my advice to you Americans who still can't figure out how to elect an idol with bollocks. You're dreadful. I hope you die, I hope your parents get divorced and you find out that you were actually born with both female and male genitals. You should just kill yourself, you're useless, you're ugly, you have a stupid laugh and you're probably going to gonorrhea and die before the age of 26."

Guitar Hero 5 Track List Exclusive!

The official track list of Harmonix's latest addition to the Guitar Hero franchise:

John Tesh - NBA on NBC Theme Song
Duke Ellington - Take the A-train
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Jesse McCartney - She's No You
Rockapella - Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Tenacious D - Karate Shnitzel
ABBA - Take a Chance on Me
Andrew W.K. - It's Time To Party
9th Symphony - Beethoven
First of Da Month - Bone Thugz N' Harmony
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk
Ella Fitzgerald - Blue Skies
Hail to the Victors - Michigan Alma Mater
Wham! - Jitterbug
Hans Zimmer - Pirates of the Caribbean Soundtrack
Joe Esposito - Your the Best
Jane Austin (as read by Merryl Streep) - Pride and Prejudice
New Kids on the Block - Hangin' Tough
Night Ranger - Sister Christian
Phil Collins - Sussudio
Prince - Little Red Corvette
Queen - Seaside Rendesvouz
The Smiths - Frankly Mr. Shankly
Soundgarden - Ty Cobb
Styx - Mr. Roboto
LFO - Summer Girls
Extreme - More than Words
Seether - Careless Whisper
Wu-Tang Clan - Wu-Tang Ain't Nothin To F--- With
Yes - Close to the Edge
3 Doors Down - Citizen Soldiers
Duck Tales - Duck Tales Theme
Lez Zeppelin - Hats Off to Roy Harper
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird (Live 2008)
Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
Will Ferrell - Afternoon Delight

Breaking News: Music Retailers to Create "Everything Except Country and Rap" Sections in Stores

In a surprising coordinated business strategy, hundreds of music retailers nationwide are changing their methods of sorting in-store inventory into musical genres, instead creating a large section called "Everything Except Country and Rap." Rap and country will be relegated to either one or two separate sections within the stores, but this has not been standardized.

A representative for Best Buy, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the decision by the American Association of Large, Non-Independent Music Retailers (AALNIMR), an organization that works closely with the RIAA and the NRA came in response to changing consumer demands.

"Before, more people had defined tastes - they were into classic rock, or alternative, or new wave, or something else. Now, nearly 70% of our poll respondents seem to have gained an appreciation for all music, except for country and rap, obviously," the representative said at a press conference this morning. "It's clear that our business model should reflect the needs of the public, not outdated notions of genre and classification."

Many customers seem happy about the change. Rick Suleck, 19, was shopping for new music at Border's in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Suleck calls himself "a huge fan of everything except country and rap." Now, he says, "It will be a lot easier to find music I will definitely like. Before I had to wade through all sorts of genre discriminations that really don't matter. At the end of the day, it's all rock and roll, right?" Suleck then displayed the Devil Fingers (a common rock and roll related hand gesture that is a fist with the palm out, except with the index and pinkie fingers pointed straight up instead of curled).

Amanda Eberstein, who was shopping yesterday at Barnes and Noble in Modesto, California, was not as excited about the announcement. She expressed concerns that "everything except country and rap" was too broad a label, asking, "Do you think this section include genre crossover acts like the Beastie Boys and Ryan Adams?"

Trent MacCoy, Eberstein's boyfriend who was shopping with her, was also unclear about the true purpose of the new section. "Will this include everything that isn't country or rap? Even things that are non-musical in nature, such as housewares, or floral arrangements."

AALNIMR representatives were unwilling to comment on these and other questions posed by Rolling Scone reporters, saying that these details had not yet been decided, as the decision-making summit, taking place in Palm Springs, California, was ongoing.

Noticeably absent from negotiations are the thousands of independent music retailers around the United States, though changes to their inventory display methods seem unlikely to change anytime soon.

Doug Baker, co-owner of West Wind Books and Records in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was unsurprised by the announcement. "The AALNIMR's decision is indicative of the current state of music listenership in this country, but definitely not indicative of the consumer base of my store and others like it."

"My customers know the differents between hi-fi and lo-fi, grunge and punk, rockabilly and psychobilly, glam and prog - they are more specific in their tastes, and want their store to recognize that."

Some artists are upset by the new genre classification. A group of country and rap artists calling themselves the Country-Rap Antidiscrimination Parnership (CRAP), are starting to put together a lawsuit to overturn the AALNIMR's decision.

Kanye West and Dolly Parton, the acting co-presidents of CRAP until the organization is officially formed, released a joint statement.

"SHIIIiiiiiiiitttttt SSSSSssson. We, the country-RAP Antidiscrimination Partnership, believe that the actions of the AALNIMR are unfairly biased against country and rap music [boob jiggle] . TTTTThhhhiiissssssssssS iiiiisssSSSSSSS BUUUUUULLLshiiiiit. WHHY IIISN'T eeeMOoOO orrrR eeeLectroniCA leFFtttt ouT???!!! How about free jazz, or classical [boob jiggle]? CRAP vooWS to PPPut aN eND to thiiiis."

Rolling Scone will be following this story closely and updating details as they become available. Don't forget to check Rolling Scone Online for the latest in music news, reviews, and terrible twos.

Fall Out Boy Facebook Face-off Fallout!

BREAKING...

IN A FACEBOOK SHOWDOWN, THE "FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER: 5,000,000 STRONG" GROUP HAS REACHED THE 5,000,000 MARK BEFORE THE "I <3 FALL OUT BOY, FIRST TO 5,000,000!" GROUP. THE FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER GROUP REACHED THE 5,000,000 PLATEAU ON THE BACK OF ITS NEWEST MEMBER, JASON REIS. THE I <3 FALL OUT BOY GROUP HAD BEEN STUCK ON THE 4.8 MILLION MARK FOR THE PAST WEEK AS NEW MEMBERSHIP DROPPED TO -1.2% THIS PAST QUARTER. THIS NEWS HAS HIT THE IMPETUOUSLY CATCHY ROCK GROUP HARD AND REPORTS FROM GROUP LEADER PETE WENTZ-SIMPSON IS THAT THE BAND WILL DISSOLVE BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

Supergroups to Collaborate on New Album

From the RollingScone Heavenly bureau.

Heaven's #1 supergroup, "The Nirvana's" - which features Jimi Hendrix and Jesus on guitar, Jeff Buckley on vocals, Geddy Lee on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Beethoven on piano and Louie Armstrong on trumpet - has decided to collaborate with Hell's #1 supergroup, "Led Zeppelin II" on a brand new triple LP which will contain a disc from both bands and a third that combines the talents of both bands. "Led Zeppelin II's" lead singer Freddie Mercury said that it was "awesome" to finally work with Jesus and that the new album certainly is the best he's been a part of since "A Night at the Opera." The other members of Led Zeppelin II, which includes John Bonham on drums, Kurt Cobain and Randy Rhoads on guitar, Adolf Hitler on bass and The Devil on fiddle, agree that it was an honor to work with a guitar player of Jesus' caliber. "He's just otherwordly with the things he can do with a guitar," Randy Rhoads said in an interview with the Scone. "His third and fourth hands really opens up a whole new world of possibilities."

The two supergroups had tried to collaborate in the past but Led Zeppelin II's manager and fiddlist, the Devil, said that it was a violation of their contract. However, he softened his stance after God decided that he would agree to release Abaddon the Destroyer from the void 200 years earlier than originally foretold.

The album - which orginally was to be entitled "Revelation and Revolution: an Odyssey of Heaven and Hell, as Told to the Saints of Rock and Roll" - has been renamed "Stairway to Heaven" in honor of God's favorite song. The albums release is scheduled to celebrate the week before the apocalypse and will be out December 25th, 2011.


---------------------------------------------------
Early snippets from the album have already leaked onto the outernet and have the music otherworld buzzing.

Pitchfork: Although the Hell disc shows promise, the Heaven disc features way too much guitar noodling by Jesus, and does every song have to be over 7 minutes long? Jesus may be able to raise Lazarus from the dead, but not even He can bring back prog rock.

Rolling Stone: Good, not great. 3 stars from the early demos.

Spin: Love the Trumpet, Louie Armstrong has never played better. Being dead is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kerrang!: The sickest guitar solo's, the greatest bass solo's, the hardest drum solo's. The only thing that could make this 3-LP set better would be if Jesus himself played a raging 20 minute guitar solo backed up by a heavenly choir; oh wait he does."
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RollingScone, a brief history pt.1

Today on The Scone: Part one of a four part series that chronicles the unabridged, unedited, and completely untruthful history of the worlds greatest internet music blog.

The Early Days:
Founded by London noble Lord Abernathy in 1683 as a monthly periodical, the early Scone featured musings on a variety of topics like the apointment of Henry Purcell as keeper of the king's instruments at Chapel Royal and reviews of the latest popular operas (John Blow's Venus and Adonis is given the Scone's first 2-star review.) In its inaugural year the Scone had 3 columnists, 1 music critic, and one satirist.

The first controversy at the Scone was over satirist James Purcell's critique of King Charles II falling asleep at an opera. The piece was entitled "King Charles: a lazy boob, or just mentally challenged?" Purcell was sentenced to death by hanging in the month of December after a 12 minute trial found him guilty of treason. However the controversy increased the circulation tenfold and by 1686 the Scone was the most popular monthly in Britain. Unfortunately as rock music had not been invented yet, 99% of the reviews were 1-star, and most were puncuated by complaints of "not enough guitar solos." The lack of interest in the music scene led to a five year hiatus by the scone from 1687-1692 due to Lord Abernathy's addiction to opiates.

When the scone returned in 1693 it remained for the next hundred years as a yearly 50 page book, which dropped any hint of satire and humor and instead simply reviewed every major classical and operatic piece of each year. Pieces from Bach and Vivaldi were savaged with 1 and 2 star reviews and in the hundred years only Beethoven and Mozart managed to impress the editors and writers at the scone enough to get a 3 star review. Lord Abernathy II who had taken over for his father in 1712, after Lord Abernathy I had contracted gangrene from a paper cut he had recieved from the 10 year anniversary issue, had been losing 30,000 pounds per year as circulation had dropped to less than 6 people. Lord Abernathy II eventually closed the Scone, as he was arrested and placed in a debtors prison in 1723. There he was shanked by a fellow prisoner over a crust of bread. After this the scone languished in obscurity, until a chance encounter in Philadelphia in 1776.

Old Crow Medicine Show 5/22/09

Yeah, does Alison Krauss play the fiddle like that? I think not.


Old Crow Medicine Show at Carnegie Library of Homestead

Friday, May 22 2009

“What kind of music do you like?” “Everything except country and/or rap.” Well, hypothetical rock fan, you shouldn't be so hasty to scorn country-ish things. The Scone likes its rock, its big guitars and technical skill. That’s fine, that’s sometimes the best kind of music -- but let’s make room for some hot fiddle licks. There’s plenty of room in the big book of bands that rock for Old Crow Medicine Show, even if they contain an instrument you have never heard of (that would the guitjo, or banjitar if you prefer. It’s what is says on the tin, a hybrid of banjo and guitar.) At just about every show they’ve played in their 11 years together, Old Crow proves that you can rock hard, even if you’re playing a song about cocaine from the 1920s. But they’re not just some novelty, nostalgia old time band, these days they lean more towards the original tunes than the fiddle scorchers of yore. Their ’08 album, “Tennessee Pusher” poked its toe into some post-WWII influences and even has the occasional drums and organ! But at the show, Old Crow gave the audience a healthy mix of old tunes, covers, stuff from their “first” album, and plenty from “Tennessee Pusher.” Highlights were the blistering love scorned “Fall on my Knees”, the slow, atmospheric drug dealer song, “Tennessee Pusher” and the obligatory playing of “Wagon Wheel” which is the band’s frat-happy crossover hit. It’s a great song, but maybe not their best, and the audience members yelling for it were obnoxious and oblivious. (Ladies and gents, they play it every show, they’re gonna play it, just wait in the lobby if that’s all you came for.)

The sound at Homestead Library is phenomenally clear, (though this reviewer was admittedly at front row center, so perhaps I’m a little biased in the venue’s favor) and the place is small, (about 1100 capacity?) but beautiful. The audience sat in Pittsburgh awkwardness for a few hot opening tunes, (one of the downsides of a venue with seats) then guitar player/vocalist Willie Watson urged the audience to get dancing, and they seemed more than happy to.

With plenty of onstage banter, and Pittsburgh pandering, the band was in great spirits (better than in Columbus in January. Take that, Ohio!) Their energy was through the roof, with Willie Watson running in circles and twitching, fiddle player Ketch Secor fraying bow hairs and sending rosin dust into the air, or wailing on the harmonica. All of them except guitjo player Kevin Hayes, and bassist Morgin Jahnig switch instruments. Ketch Secor’s classic country voice (not “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” country) harmonizes well with Willie Watson’s vocals, which are more straight from the holler than a man from upstate New York has a right to sound.

But rock fans are still rolling their eyes perhaps, picturing a hick ho-down or the occasionally soulless technical proficiency of bluegrass. But this isn’t Alison Krause (no offense to her), and Old Crow is not the top of the technical heap in instrumentation. They’re more old time than bluegrass, and the former is usually more sloppy and reckless, without all the polished solos of the latter. So, it’s not rock, and they’re not even the Slash of bluegrass, so who likes this stuff? Well, douchebag modern country fans sometimes come for “Wagon Wheel.” But ignore them and their incessant yelling. This punk fan fell in love with the band because of they dig up and polish off ancient, dusty songs from way back, that nobody under 70 is likely to hear or seek out anymore; they’re great lyricists and singers, their instrumentation is solid as hell, but most of all their fiery, endless enthusiasm is what makes me listen over and over. They play fast and dirty, but it sounds great. They’re the punks of bluegrass. Drop that bias against anything southern-flavored. Their studio albums are great, but the live shows will knock you on your ass as much as any rock and roll.

Exclusive Look at How Rolling Stone Rates Albums

Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.

Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.

If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star

This Week's Top Stories!

Rush to go back in time to kill selves in order to grace cover of Rolling Stone, become critical darlings.
Rush, ignored by Rolling Stone Magazine for the past 40 years, has decided to go back in time using Doc Brown's DeLorean in order to kill themselves just after their epic album 2112 in order to earn themselves an opportunity to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. By killing themselves at the height of their artistic output they guarantee at least 4 Rolling Stone covers, a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and inclusions on critics "greatest of" lists.

Scott Stapp escapes from Hell, returns to earth to collect 10,000,000 souls.
Scott Stapp, who was bound by rock and sent to hell by Dave Grohl and Jack Black in 2002, has escaped from his prison at the 12th circle of hell and has returned to the earth in order to collect souls in order to ressurect the "band" Creed and cast the earth back into darkness.

Michigan man puts Fleet Foxes album on Ipod in order to keep up appearances.
Billy Kemp of Lansing Michigan has put the latest self titeld Fleet Foxes album on his Ipod just to keep up the appearance that he listens to new hip music, in order to impress his indie friends if they happen to check his playlist. Nestled between Flava Flav and Flickerstick, Fleet Foxes currently boasts 0 plays. Although Mr. Kemp can't name any of their songs, he says that "just having them on my playlist has impressed three people and possibly gotten me a date for Friday with that cute girl from the local indpendent coffee shop.

Rough Economy Shutters Kazoo World Magazine; Hits Kazoo Industry Hard

The Kazoo industry, once seen as the unbreakable link in the musical instrument industry, received more bad news as the rough global economy has forced the venerable Kazoo World Magazine, offshoot of the more successful Guitar World Magazine, to shut down its printing presses and close its doors forever. Kazoo World Magazine follows in the footsteps of Kazoo Aficionado, Kazoo Woman's Journal, Kazoo Weekly, Kazoo Bi-Weekly, and Metal Kazoo magazine as the latest casualties of slumping kazoo sales. With these latest closings, only the prestigious 200 year old Kazooist Quarterly remains in the red.

Recent reports show a 75% drop in retail kazoo sales in the past year after years of double digit sales gains. Kazoo makers like Kazoo's Unlimited and Anderson's Kazoo's have recently asked the government for massive billion dollar loans in order to keep their companies afloat and the kazoo assembly lines running at full capacity. Anderson's Kazoo CEO Richard Watkins has said that the company has about 50 million dollars in reserves but at current projections that will only last til the end of May. If both companies fold Watkins estimates that over 200,000 jobs will be lost in America alone and upwards of 400,000 globally.

Yanni Signs New 6-Year Deal with Guantanamo Bay to Supply Music for Tortures

Yanni, best known for his turgid soft-orchestral elevator muzak has signed a new 6-year deal with Guantanamo Bay his agent reported yesterday. With the new contract Yanni will become the exclusive provider of torture music for the United States until 2015. Yanni will compose between twenty to thirty brand new songs that will be used by soldiers and prison officials at the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay. The songs will be piped in to each prison cell between 11am and 3pm daily in order to soften up the Arab terror suspects. Additionally Yanni's music will be used during all water boarding sessions. Terms of the deal were not disclosed but most analysts put the number in the high seven digits.

Asher Roth Understands White, College-Educated 20-somethings

The fascination of white college students with hip-hop and rap is not new, but rarely has a white college graduate been able to successfully cross-over into the genre. But this is all about to change. Meet Asher Roth.

Asher Roth, a 22-year-old from Morrisville, PA, dropped his debut album Asleep in the Bread Aisle on April 20, 2009. The album's tracks have names like "Lark on my Go-Kart," "I Love College," and "Be By Myself," which features Cee-Lo. "I Love College," the album's first single, is a feel-good anthem about drinking, smoking weed, dancing, Thirsty Thursdays, and naked girls. The music is an even mix of real instruments and beats, with guitars on "I Love College" and some keyboard on "Lark" The rhymes are clever and he has a sense of humor about the whole thing, but it's clear that Asher Roth is writing about what he knows in the genre he happens to love. Less psychopath than Eminem, more coherent than the Beastie Boys, Asher Roth has what it takes to overtake his predecessors as the most commercially successful white rapper ever.

Roth's music background is alarmingly unremarkable. He says, "The first CD I ever bought was Dave Matthews Band's Crash...That is how suburban I am...I finally got into hip hop in '98 when I heard the Annie sample with Jay-Z...When I wrote my A Milli freestyle, that was me listening to 10 years of hip hop and not relating to it at all. Like, Damn I don’t sell coke. Damn, I don’t have cars or 25-inch rims. I don't have guns. I finally got to a point where I had the confidence to do this thing myself, and I was making music for me. And it turns out, a lot of people feel the same way I do."

His autobiography on MySpace invites a little more insight into the mind of Asher Roth:

"When I'm not rhyming I find time to purchase rare kindergarten art off ebay. As I was recently enlightened that it portrays the soul in its purest form. On the weekends I like to watch football and dance in celebration of the coming week. I collect business cards purely for prank phone calls and pay my rent by doing BICH Work (Boys In Cougar Homes). My boy Greg Mike and I, both started living by the credo...WWJD. What Would JEEZY Do? More often than not we find ourselves going with answers.."YEEAAHHH" and "HAHAAAA." Ever since I've been living a much more positive lifestyle."

Whatever that means. Listen to his tracks at www.myspace.com/asherroth

Music Transactions for April 2009

A quick brief of the musical transactions from the past month from all the major musical genres.

Pop:
4/03 - Agrees to trade Jessica Simpson and cash to Country for the rights to Chris Gaines.
4/12 - Placed Justin Timberlake on the 3 year disabled list.
4/21 - Agrees to terms with Leona Lewis, 2 years - 21 million dollars.

Country:
4/13 - Agrees to a 4 year - 53 million dollar extension for Taylor Swift.
4/26 - Reassigned Dierks Bentley to the minor leagues.

Rock:
4/21 - Rejected Rap's trade: Lil' Wayne and Fred Durst for Fall Out Boy and Kevin Rudolf

Rap:
4/20 - DMX arraigned on drug charges, will be placed on the PUP list for 5-6 years.
4/25 - Agrees to trade Kanye West to Emo for cash and weed

R&B:
4/2 - Releases R.Kelly
4/3 - Recalled N.E.R.D. from minors

Emo:
4/25: Acquires Kanye West from Rap

Metal:
4/1: Names Metallica captain for upcoming season
4/14: Agrees to 12 year - 100 million dollar contract extension for Mastodon

Classical:
4/2: Names Beethoven to all-decade team
4/9: Folds Operations

Jazz:
No transactions

From the Desk of Jann Wenner; Re: New Music Genre's To Keep an Eye On

To: Rolling Stone Staff
From: Janny W.(Your Boss)
Re: New Music Genre's to Keep an Eye On

Hey Guys,

I've been doing a lot of research lately scrounging around the nether-worlds of the music industry and I've come across some new sounds that I think you guys at the Stone should keep an "ear" on. I'm not sure if you guys are up on these things but one new hot genre that I keep hearing the kids talk about is something called "contry." (sp?) Apparently it's pretty big in the South, which I know we don't want to talk or think about but if it may be something to look into. If you could check out Johnny Cash, Hank Williams and Waylon Jennings, those guys seem to the big thing at the moment with those racist southern hicks.

Also there's something called "metal" (met-el) (like the stuff that buildings are made out of). Apparently this type of music features up to 2 guitars, sometimes with fast solo's. Now calm down, I know what you guys are thinking and I assure you that I hate that stuff as much as you. However, if it's going to be popular with the kids I don't want to miss out on it like we did with grunge. If you guys could make sure you check out what the kids are wearing at the malls, (do kids still shop at Sears?) check out the arcades etc. I heard something about a band called Iron Maiden, so do some Internet research and check those guys out if you could.

Thanks a lot guys,

Janny

(PS. keep that Obama love comin', here's some suggestions: Obama's favorite rapper, What's On Obama's Ipod, 100 Greatest things about Obama, How Obama saved the country, Obama; bigger than Jesus.)

(PPS. No more mentions of that 4-stars we gave the Jonas Brothers album. If anyone asks it was a typo.)

John Mayer Named "Smug Magazine's" Artist of the Year.

In breaking news, RollingScone has received word that John Mayer has received Smug Magazine's coveted Artist of the Year Award. RollingScone has an exclusive excerpt from Smug's upcoming May issue.

"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.

The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...

... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.

A Brief Look Inside the Mind of J. Steigerwald: RollingScone Creator

Today's feature is a list of the last 66 songs played on Mr. Steigerwald's Ipod.

1. Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
2. Shotgun Down the Avalanche - Shawn Colvin
3. What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy
4. Can We Still Be Friends - Todd Rundgren
5. Little Wing - Stevie Ray Vaughn
6. Casual Affair - Tonic
7. Hush - Deep Purple
8. Fire Island - Fountains of Wayne
9. Lit Up - Buckcherry
10. Dancing Through Sunday - AFI
11. Oh What a Night - Four Seasons
12. West Coast Smoker - Fall Out Boy
13. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy
14. w.a.m.s - Fall Out Boy
15. Tiffany Blews - Fall Out Boy
16. 27 - Fall Out Boy
17. (Coffee's for Closers) - Fall Out Boy
18. The Shipped Gold Standard - Fall Out Boy
19. Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown - Fall Out Boy
20. America's Suitehearts - Fall Out Boy
21. She's My Winona - Fall Out Boy
22. I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy
23. Disloyal Order of Buffaloes - Fall Out Boy
24. Running On Empty - Jackson Browne
25. Monsters - Matchbook Romance
26. The Velorium Camper I: Faint of Heart - Coheed and Cambria
27. Bizzare Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
28. Move Along - All American Rejects
29. Back in the USSR - Beatles
30. Raspberry Beret - Prince
31. Cancer - My Chemical Romance
32. Palace of Excess - Ash
33. Afterlife - Avenged Sevenfold
34. Rock You Hard - The Dan Band
35. Day Job - Gin Blossoms
36. Shake It - Metro Station
37. Together Forever - Rick Astley
38. Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
39. Starcrossed - Ash
40. Crush - Jennifer Page
41. Lady Madonna - Beatles
42. Killer Queen - Sum 41
43. I Touch Myself - Divinyls
44. Pressure - Billy Joel
45. Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
46. American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
47. Chemistry - Semisonic
48. Better - Guns N Roses
49. The Big Medley - Dream Theater
50. The Door - Silverchair
51. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance
52. Eternal Life - Jeff Buckley
53. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - Police
54. My Favorite Things - Silverchair
55. Love Rears It's Ugly Head - Living Colour
56. Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
57. Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains
58. Winning Days - The Vines
59. You're My Best Friend - Queen
60. Shout it Out Loud - Kiss
61. Irish Blood, English Heart - Morrissey
62. Fields of Gold - Sting
63. Alien Angel - Three
64. Take it Off - The Donnas
65. Where to Now St. Peter - Elton John
66. On Fire -Van Halen

Axl Rose to Recieve 3.4 Billion Dollars in Bailout Funds

Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.

The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.

RollingScone Platinum Post: For Readers Who Make Over 1.4 Billion Dollars Only.

A new feature of RollingScone is its monthly Platinum series, which is a high-class post for readers who make over 1.9 billion dollars yearly, not for our regular slumdog peon readers.

Today on RollingScone: class, class, class! Instead of a segment on that modicum of mediocrity "rock and roll," RollingScone will be moving its focus to New York and the bright shining lights of BROAAADWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! FABULOUS!!!!!

The play in our spotlight today is the new hit, Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Barack Obama Superstar. Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber with music by Mos Def, Barack Obama Superstar looks at the meteoric rise from of Obama, from his virgin birth to his inspiring victory over George W. "Satan" Bush. In a inspired bit of casting the role of Barack Obama will be played by none other than the star of Jesus Christ Superstar I himself, Jesus Christ. In a statement, Jesus Christ said that he is very pleased to be playing the new Savior of the Earth. "I enjoyed being the Savior, but it is obvious that I have been replaced, and I wish nothing but the best for our new Lord and Savior. I hope I can live up to his incredibly high standards."

The play has already sold out its 24 show run with tickets selling for over 20,000 dollars on eBay. Barack Obama himself has prophesied that the show will be a success, however privately he has been heard complaining that he would rather have been portrayed by Will Smith.

Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just an Internet Celebrity

While James Iha is gallivanting around with Taylor Hanson, his former frontman Billy Corgan has been seen wandering around Bravo events with another high-pitched singer who is inexplicably still famous: Myspace's very own Tila Tequila.

What. The. Hell.

I don't know what brough these two lovebirds together, or even if they are even together, but I hope that the pictures that have been popping up with these two eventually result in a Smashing Tequila Zwan album of overwrought, trippy duets about biocuriosity, perpetual baldness, and finding fame and relevance on the internet.