Exclusive News: Guitar Hero: Nirvana and The Beatles: Rock Band

As the Guitar Hero and Rock Band universes expand, new details have emerged about the two latest editions; Guitar Hero: Nirvana and The Beatles: Rock Band


For the first time ever, Guitar Hero: Nirvana will include special instruments and features that are exclusive to the title. Included with the game will be a .12 gauge shotgun controller so that players can now commit suicide when the bands "fame" meter becomes too high to handle. This new "fame" meter will increase with each successfully completed song until it reaches a red zone. When the red zone is reached, the Kurt Cobain avatar will inject cocaine into his veins and wait for the player to pull the shotgun trigger, thus earning the player a game over.

Other features include a "bitch slap Courtney Love" mini game and an "intervention" feature. The intervention feature consists of a thirty minute break from playing music while band members and friends try and coax Cobain to give up drugs. This intervention feature happens every 2 successfully completed songs and makes up roughly 75% of game play.


The Beatles: Rock Band, which will be released September 9th, is the first time the Rock Band series has expanded beyond a numerical determinant, featuring multiple bands, into a single band format. The Beatles: Rock Band will feature over 30 songs, however most of the game play will instead focus on the "inner workings" of the legendary rock group the Beatles. Features include a random "quit" variable which causes a random group member to quit the band at any given point during the game. This causes the corresponding controller to go dead until the member can be convinced to rejoin the band.

Another new option in the game is the ability to perform and create "on drugs." Money earned during the performances can be used to purchase over 50 different real life drugs including heroin, LSD, acid and marijuana. Using the drugs during shows can cause different effects, from a "fuzzy" screen to the notes being reversed. Players also have the ability to "spike" their opponents characters in order to make the game more challenging. The drugs also play a key part in completing the game. Unlike the other versions of Rock Band, not all the songs can be unlocked by simply finishing all the songs, instead certain songs can only be unlocked by using certain combinations of drugs, thus releasing the "creative" energies needed to "write" the songs.

Other lesser options include a "Ridicule Ringo" mini game, in which the goal is to make him realize that he has very little talent and is basically just living off the other members genius and a Yoko Ono Band Destroyer.

New Programming Announcement from VH1

VH1, the home of all things celebrity has released it's fall 2009 schedule and beyond, and we here at the Scone could not be happier to see some of the new shows. In the wake of the disturbing celebmurdereality of his wife by VH1 regular Ryan Jenkins and his subsequent celebriticide inside a small motel in Canada, VH1 has yanked the shows in which he has appeared. Both Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3 have been cancelled and VH1 has been in panic mode trying to fill the loss on their schedule. To replace the losses VH1 has ordered the following shows to fill out its roster.

Sunday
Rock of Love 4: Boats and Ho's
Rock of Love 5: Skanks on a Plane
Rock of Love 6: Herpes of Love
Rock of Love 7: Brett Michael's Pays for Sex

Tuesday
Best Celebrity Suicides Ever
I Heart Celebrity Murders

Wednesday
I H8 the 50's
Who Gives a F--- about the 40's?

Thursday
Tool Academy 2: "People Who Should Be Killed Acting Like Assholes In Front of The Girlfriends They Don't Deserve"

Saturday
Megan Wants a Guy With a Job
Megan Wants Penicillin

40th Anniversary of Woodstock Not Remembered by Any in Attendence

As the 40th anniversary of Woodstock came and went, only one thing was certain: no one could remember a damn thing about it. Even pinning down the date the concert actually happened required three scientists five months of intense research and testing. The date was eventually found in the pages of Ten Years After guitarist Alvin Lee's diary, which was discovered wedged between a pound of cocaine and a '69 Gibson Les Paul in his root cellar.

The last remaining musician with memories of the original Woodstock lost them in 2007 after he discovered Yanni and "The New Republic." Most of the other original attendees lost their memories through the sweet embrace of death or from copious amounts of LSD and weed. The actual original Woodstock bill has also been lost to history, and while acts from Jim Croce to the Moody Blues have been rumored to have performed, none of the musicians can remember if they actually played or if they were just having a really killer trip.

The chances that there will be enough remaining brain cells for a 50th anniversary celebration seem doubtful. When asked what he remembered about the event, at a recent 40th anniversary party, alleged concert goer Jim Benson said, "Wait, man, we're here for what? a Woodstock? whats a Woodstock, man...? oh wait you mean that little yellow bird that talks in punctuation marks? Oh man, I love that bird, man. Man, Snoopy...He always lay on top of his doghouse, man. That dog was a trip man... man."

In spite of these hindrances to historical remembrance, nostalgia - if not an actual time or date - for the legendary concert will continue in the hearts and minds of every 18 year-old Haight-Asbury panhandler, burnt-out junkie, Pitchfork staff member and dirty hippy.

Rev. Sharpton, "I think 'Thriller' more than makes up for all the molesting"

In the aftermath of the Michael Jackson death, many questions have been raised about the legacy he will leave behind. Jackson had a checkered past, with allegations of drug use and child molestation, however, all those questions have been put to rest thanks to the mild mannered and soft spoken Reverend Al Sharpton Jr., who recently spoke out against critics of Jackson. While some may question why Sharpton would defend the bleach-white Jackson, critics must remember that while Micheal died a child-molesting white man, he was once a mega-successful black superstar.

Reverend Al Sharpton Jr., who has long been a vocal proponent of Michael Jackson, issued a statement saying that, "The joy that the album, 'Thriller' has brought to over 28 million Americans more than makes up for the hundred or so small children that Jackson drugged and molested in his Neverland Ranch -- just by numbers alone, the thirty million American men, women and children who have been touched by Michael's song and dance far outnumber the few that Michael touched sexually. If he had never released 'Thriller' and instead was just judged on 'Bad' or 'Dangerous', I could see how all the sexual abuse might tarnish his legacy. But c'mon, we're talkin' about over 100 million copies sold around the world and seven top ten singles from one album -- seven. It's outrageous, it's ludicrous, it's so beyond bad it's good. 'Billie Jean' alone would make up for most of the molestations. Throw in 'The Girl is Mine', 'Thriller', 'Wanna Be Startin' Something', 'Beat It', 'Human Nature', and 'P.Y.T.' and Micheal could have bombed the World Trade Centers and I would still forgive him. Michael was the greatest, the king of pop, the sultan of soul, the greatest the world has ever seen, he was and will always be a king in our eyes, even though he wasn't a black man anymore and truly had nothing to do with our race and in many ways was a disgrace to every black man women and child in the world. However, let's not forget that he could moon walk better than Jesus; So that's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for America."