Failed Terrorist Wants To Release EP

Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab, the 23-year-old Nigerian who attempted to detonate an explosive on Christmas Day on a flight from Amsterdam to Detroit, plans to use his newfound fame to release a solo EP, sources say. Mutallab, who has been charged with attempting to blow up a U.S. passenger plane, is being held at the Federal Correctional Institution in Milan, Michigan.

"Mutallab has spent his time in his cell singing songs in Arabic. Although I didn't recognize all of them, one of the guards told me it was the tune of Lady Gaga's 'Bad Romance,' and I think I recall another to the tune was Beyonce's 'Single Ladies.' He even had some of the dance moves!" says a source from within the facility. The source reports that after these random outbursts of music, Mutallab shouts in English about how he writes musical parodies of American pop songs, re-writing them in Arabic to praise Al-Qaeda, the Taliban, and other political organizations he is associated with, and that this is going to reach moderate, Arabic-speaking youths who are entranced by Western culture and values.

"He's hoping that the media circus surrounding his trial will somehow allow him to record a few of his songs to spread Islamic extremism by using the culture it seeks to destroy," another source has speculated.

Although Al-Qaeda has claimed responsibility for his terrorist actions, they do not support his musical pursuits. According to a spokesman for Al-Qaeda, in a video released to Al-Jazeera, "Mutallab's bravery and sense of duty are to be commended, but this guy wants to be a singer? The only reason this guy is a celebrity is because he set his underwear on fire. Even Snooki's injuries were more severe than that."

The Eyes of Seacrest, Pt 1.

I don't remember what day it is.

I've been listening to Kiss 96.1 for the past three weeks. No breaks, no silence, only the sounds of the Kiss Freak Show in the morning, Tall Cathy from 10 to 1... I can't remember who comes on after that. Some incompetent jackass. It's all the same... all the same. 

Who am I?


The inane babbling. If i hear one more mention of the word freak show I'm going to take my own life and the lives of thousands of other innocent people. The incompetent disc jockeying, if Bubba interrupts the ending of another song with his shitty singing I'm going to rip my eyes out of my head. The incredibly stupid celebrity gossip. Who cares... WHO CARES!!! NO ONE CARES TALL CATHY, NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT VH1 SLUT TIGER WOODS WAS BANGING.


I'm okay...


I've heard Bad Romance three hundred and twenty six times... today. Brittney Spears singing about threesomes and orgies has lost all of its meaning. I can't tell if this song is Rhianna, Beyonce or Keisha. I don' think it matters. 


...


I can't stop thinking about which celebrities I'd like to interview. I bet Matthew Fox has a lot of interesting things to say. I'd really like to get inside the mind of Sharon Osbourne...


I wonder what Adam Lambert is up to since his racy AMA performance? Probably something extremely interesting and relevant to our nation.


Kiss 96.1 has been playing for one whole month straight.


...


What am I becoming? I'm... changing...


My hair has begun to change colors. My tips have become frosted. My hair has begun to stand up in a spiky yet tousled style that exudes both smug self satisfaction and rebel without a comb.


...


Kiss 96.1 is still on, I can't even hear it anymore, my mind has been overwhelmed by the Tiger Woods scandal, Jersey Shore, celebrity sex tapes, who John Mayer is sleeping with. It's all too much. 


I've been overwhelemed by a feeling... For the past two weeks it has slowly engulfed me...I can't fight it anymore... I want to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! No, I have to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! Where can I find a celebrity so pathetic and irrelevent that they will gladly give up their entire lives for my flim crew... I don't know if any Hollywood celebrity would ever sink so low, but I have to try...


I have another great idea for a show... I have to get together with Paris Hilton, she's the only one smart and talented enough to help me realize my dreams...

I have to host a show on E! I have to have a syndicated radio show thats broadcast across America.


My old self is dead. I am no longer the man I used to be.



...

I know who I am... I know what I have become... It all makes sense now.

  
...


I AM RYAN SEACREST!




...




SEACREST OUT!

American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter

What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.

The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.

According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.

The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.

Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.

Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.

Kanye West Issues Apology to Taylor Swift After Reading Your Facebook Status

Kanye West, whose stump speech for Beyonce having the best video of the decade came during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video, has decided to issue an apology after reading the harsh responses on Facebook. Kanye West, who has admitted that he spends most of his days trolling Facebook looking for mentions of his name in status updates, was taken aback by the negative comments and status updates that went up by the millions just seconds after his faux pas.

"I'm Kanye West, so I figured that anything I do would be greeted by adoration." Kanye West said in an exclusive interview after the VMA's. "But then I went on Facebook and searched for my name... and I was horrified. Amanda Lynn of San Jose St. University said that 'I was an asshole for interrupting sweet little Swift,' Kyla Anderson wrote that 'I now officially hate Kanye West.' But the most damning of all was Jackie Stouffer of Mt. Union High School's poll on whether or not I was out of line for interrupting Taylor Swift. I couldn't believe it! 90% of the 10 respondents said 'yes'. I haven't had this many negative comments since the fish sticks incident. Therefore I would like to apologize to Taylor, even though she doesn't care about black people."

CREATE YOUR OWN CAPTION!!! volume 1

We here at RollingScone think our fans deserve a little something for slogging through all this tripe and so we have decided to rip off the New Yorker and let you, the reader, create your own caption for this hilaaaarious picture above. Send your submissions to JStags@yahoo.com so we can mock them without mercy. If yours is chosen you will get nothing, except a byline in the smallest font that we can manage. If no one sends anything (very likely) then our editor Joseph Steigerwald will make his own because chances are he's better at it than you anyway.

Sample Examples:
Beyonce (to Pete Seeger): Oh Mr. Seeger, I really like that "Night Moves" song, and "Turn the Page" is one of my all-time favorites!

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): Oh hey, how's the marriage you two. My kids really like that "Crazy in Love" song you guys did.

Bruce Springsteen (to Beyonce): Your Music is bullshit.

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): They let you guys run for president?

Will.i.am (to himself): What the hell's an inauguration.

Beyonce (to herself): Is this Bono...?

Pete Seeger (to himself): Hopefully someone will mistake me for Willie Nelson and give me a joint.



(Pete Seeger, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce Knowles, and will.i.am at the We Are One concert at the Lincoln Memorial during festivities for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Photo courtesy Alex Brandon of the Associated Press.)