Joe Steigerwald Is On Hiatus

Joe Steigerwald is currently on hiatus as he works to get his insurance license. Needless to say "This Blog Goes to 11" will return after he passes in a severely neutered form. Our readers can expect all blogs to follow standard insurance formatting. This means all stories will be subject to thorough combing by lawyers in order to not slander or debase anyone. Everything will also be published in strict adherence to code 14.12 of the insurance standard guidebook, which states no colorful language or interesting wordplay.

Needless to say, to all 4 readers of the Rolling Scone and This Blog Goes to 11 will be extremely disappointed by the results as your lovable blog Lothario becomes part of the insurance bureaucracy.

Rolling Stone Stresses Fairness, Balance, Debate, Conversation in New Issue

Rolling Stone, one of the few bastions of integrity and fairness in the print world, has chosen to profile global warming and the environment in its latest issue. But instead of pointing fingers and name calling, Rolling Stone, as it does in all its features, promises a balanced panel of experts from both sides to debate this hot button issue. One which weighs as heavy as the mountains of snow that have fallen during this brutally cold global winter.

Global Warming. These two words have been weighing heavily on the minds of all Americans for years. Two years to be exact, since the non-profit Pew Foundation only started including it in its poll questions in 2007. In 2009's poll of America's concerns, global warming was listed as a "top priority" by a whopping 30% of respondents. In fact, global warming weighed so heavily on the minds of voters that it finished only behind the economy, jobs, terrorism,social security, education, energy, medicare, health care, deficit reduction, health insurance, helping the poor, crime, moral decline, military, tax cuts, environment, immigration, lobbyists, trade policy and Lady Gaga's penis.

Rolling Stone, seizing on the huge popularity of global warming, features two separate articles on the subject. The first is a massive overview of global warming named "As the World Burns." While at first glance this would seem like a rather inflammatory title that makes it sound like Rolling Stone is taking sides on the issue. However, the title is obviously just pointing out how incredibly hot the debate is right now. Because no one at Rolling Stone has any actual scientific background and since "As the World Burns" author Jeff Goodell has no real authority other than his opinion, Rolling Stone would never make such a claim for, or against Global Warming. Article author Jeff Goodell uses clear, calm, evenhanded language throughout and never whines, delves into histrionics, or write in an obviously out of character hip writing style in order to appeal to a certain demographic.

The second feature in the newest Rolling Stone is entitled "The Climate Killers." Another seemingly polarizing title, however Rolling Stone has made sure to let its subscribers know that this is actually a typo. The actual title of the piece was "The Climate Killers?"  The feature, written by noted editor and opinion writer Tim Dickinson. But don't worry, no opinions are inserted into this piece. In an effort to maintain neutrality for the article, both Democrats and Republicans are profiled in its list of 17 Climate Killers? Neither side is given any more or less time on any given subject, and the article makes no claim that global warming will destroy all of civilization unless carbon emissions are cut 75% in 10 years.

This type of balanced, civil debate is exactly what is needed for this "hot button" issue and leave it to Rolling Stone to make sure all the sides are heard. The new Rolling Stone is available on news stands now.

The 12 Worst Things To Happen to Music This Decade

Because of the demand for arbitrary lists at the end of the year, The Rolling Scone Blog has given in to blog pressure and prepared a list of the 12 lamest things to happen to music in the past decade.

In no real order...

12.) Self-Aggrandizing Music Blogs
One of the worst developments of the past decade is the proliferation of music blogs on the internet. Now everyone with a 56k modem and an Ipod is a "music expert," mucking up the internet with their opinions and insights, forgetting of course that literally, no one cares. Fortunately most of them die off quickly, as their creators eventually figure out that 6 of the 8 people that visit their sites each day are in fact themselves, checking on their own site meters.

11.) Popular Country Music
The homogenized, sterile world in which country music operates is a world much like the one that exists on the Disney Channel. There is no swearing, no overt sexuality, everyone looks really pretty, and no one ever has a problem that can't be solved by singing about tractors or trucks. Country music has its own magazines, its own award shows, its own producers. There is little interaction between the worlds of rock and country and the results are bland, uninspired music made by talented session musicians.

10.) Awards Shows
Quick! Name the last 4 winners of the coveted Grammy for Artist of the Year. No, the answer isn't U2, U2, U2, U2. Or is it? No one knows, that's the problem, and no one cares. There are plenty of other music awards shows to ignore, like The People's Choice Awards, the MTV Music Video Awards, The Billboard Awards. The only person who seems to care about these awards is Kanye West, who makes it a yearly event to bitch about being snubbed from something. The solution to this problem is to completely ignore it until it goes away.

9.) Pitchfork Becomes Important:
There are so many things wrong with Pitchfork that it's hard to chose just nine, much less only one. Pitchfork's ascension to the top of the indie taste making charts is based primarily on the fact that they are, in fact, assholes. Like an insolent 11 year old, Pitchfork has made its living by needlessly insulting the work of others, unless those "others" happen to make music that no one really wants to listen to. Pitchfork is equivalent to that annoying high school friend who only listened to bands that no one has ever heard of, thus insuring that they could scoff at anyone "still listening to Coheed and Cambria. By basically ignoring 95% of popular music, Pitchfork gives off the impression that they are cool, thus inspiring millions of gullible kids in tight jeans to mindlessly cling to their elitist opinions.

8.) The Continued Death of Rock N Roll
Rock may still be alive in neutered form, that is if you can call Trapt, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace "rock," but rock n roll has been dead since at last 1992. Guns N' Roses may still be around, but even them, rock n roll's last bastion of hope, now, sadly, sucks. Bands like Coheed and Cambria, Queens of the Stone Age, White Stripes, Ash, My Chemical Romance and the Foo Fighters continue to rock in various forms, but the bluesy take no prisoners rock n roll attitude of Zeppelin, GNR and AC/DC is long since gone.

7.) The Rise of Indie Rock
Indie rock, which towards the end of the decade finally supplanted emo as the "rock" genre of choice, is a way to inclusive genre that includes virtually every band in the world. The biggest problem with indie rock is that it just doesn't rock. There are plenty of good indie bands in the world, but as the leading flag bearer of the rock movement, they are woefully unprepared. The charts are completely dominated by rap and R&B leaving almost no space for rock. Indie rock, whose biggest bands are based almost exclusively on hype generated by Pitchfork and Rolling Stone, just can't drum up more than cursory interest.

6.) Rolling Stone's Lists
Jack White being #11 on Rolling Stone's top 100 guitarists. Edward Van Halen, who basically invented modern guitar playing is tucked up in the 70's. A blatant disregard for anything from the 70's and 80's has  
become Rolling Stone's MO. Metal doesn't even exist in the world of Rolling Stone, and that is painfully obvious by looking at their exclusive lists.

5.) Rolling Stone: The Magazine
This is the same magazine who gave Black Sabbath's Paranoid 1 star and trashed Led Zeppelin's early work. Their continued existence is one of the biggest mysteries of the music world. They continually miss the boat on new trends whilst suckling the teat of the old guard, passing out 5-star reviews to U2 and Mick Jagger's vastly uninspired work.


4.) All Music Sucks
Obviously all music doesn't suck. But really, music sucks these days. Lady Gaga is probably the most interesting artist of the past year. Radiohead now sucks. Outkast doesn't even exist in any real form. Coheed's last album was a disappointment. Ash isn't releasing any new albums and Stevie Ray Vaughn is still dead. Nickelback remains a viable musical entity. Creed reunited. Ke$ha has the #1 song in the world. Prince is a Mormon. The list could go on and on... but it won't.


3.) Led Zeppelin Reunited
Obviously this isn't a bad thing, in fact if that was the whole story it would be the greatest thing to happen to music since the electric guitar. Unfortunately the rest of the caption should read: Led Zeppelin Reunited... For One Show. God forbid they should embark on a world tour and let all their hundreds of millions of fans a chance to see them.


2.) Rolling Scone Remains Undiscovered
Somehow, despite the constant evidence to the contrary, Rolling Scone isn't the most popular blog on the internet. Despite millions and millions of incredible articles and opinions, our work remains as un-viewed as a Whoopi Goldberg porno. If there was a God then Pitchfork would be struck down and everyone would love Rolling Scone instead. Unfortunately that means that there is no God. Sorry to break the news.

1.) The Death of a Bunch of Good Musicians
Michael Jackson, Layne Staley, George Harrison, Rick James... just to name a few of the people that died. Although most of them were well past their musical primes and thus virtually useless, its still sad. Unless you hated their bands, or looked down on child molestation. Then it was a pretty good decade for everyone, except for fans of music.

Blogger Has Writers Block

Steven Shaw of the Yahoo Music Blog Musicians' Fiend is in the midst of the worst writer's block of his life. His satirical blog has gone over a week without a new post and his scant readership is fading fast.

"I worry that they're gonna can me unless I put something out," Shaw told RS-Online in a phone interview on Monday.

"I've been trolling the usual magazines and websites -Rolling Stone, NME, Blender - searching for something interesting to write about. I thought about maybe mocking Lil' Wayne's recent jail sentence, but he's so last month. He over-saturated himself! I think people are glad to see him in jail just so people won't have to listen to him guest star in another shitty song. Then I figured, hell, I'll just make up some list, like The Best Songs to Listen to While Stuck in Traffic on a Monday. But I couldn't think of anything other than 'Walkin' on Sunshine' and 'Manic Monday'. I considered calling up some washed-up celebrity and asking them about their favorite songs of all time - I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff isn't doing much on a Sunday Night other than watching Baywatch reruns and listening to Kraftwerk. Any of those would have made killer blog entries, but the Saints were on TV and, well, I ended up putting it off another day. And then it turned into another day. And another. So here I sit at my computer with a blank page and a blinking cursor. Maybe I'll just make up a story about Lady Gaga having herpes."