Obama to ESPN: "I Will Trade the Healthcare Bill for a Re-do on my Bracket"

On Sunday, President Barack Obama scored the first major political victory of his young campaign. The Democratic controlled Congress was finally able to secure enough votes to ram home Obama's pet health care bill over the objections of Republicans.

However all was not well with Obama as Saturday handed him his greatest defeat. Kansas, who he had picked to win the entire NCAA tournament, was stunned by Northern Iowa 69-67 in the 2nd round.

Although he was bolstered by his health care victory, anonymous White House staff members told us that his mood has been sour all weekend, even with the passage of the bill. "He's just been moping around all weekend eating potato chips, he didn't even watch Sunday's games, he just locked himself in the Lincoln room. We had to get Pelosi to come in and bust the doors down so we could tell him about his health-care win."

On Monday President elect Barack Obama told ESPN reporters that he would "absolutely trade the health care bill for a re-do on my bracket, no questions asked."

Obama, who like many of the experts picked Kansas to win it all, now faces considerably longer odds in winning his pool. Although Obama has grown accustomed to long odds throughout his political career, these may be his hardest battle yet. Barack's team, BARACKetbusters, currently sits 4th in the USGovRulz Basketball pool on Yahoo!. Currently ahead of him is Democratic Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi's BBALLbreakers, Socialist Bernie Sanders' MarxMadness, and former President George Bush's Howulikemenow. However, because Kansas was eliminated he has virtually no chance of gaining the 64 point lead he would need to acquire in order to beat any entrant that picked the championship game winner. Barring a miracle from a Cinderella team like Cornell winning it all, he will not be victorious.

Reports from the Republicans say that they are seriously considering accepting Barack's offer, and a deal could come as soon as Wednesday. Obama has stated that they have until the sweet 16 begins on Thursday.

President Obama "Destroying New Jersey is our Number One Priority"

Washington D.C - President Barack Obama outlined his plans for fixing America during his recent State of the Union Address. Near the top of his list: fixing the economy, stopping global warming and sending more troops to Afghanistan. However, Obama made sure to reiterate that his number one priority is and has been "bombing the shit out of New Jersey."

Since the premiere of the new MTV show "Jersey Shore" citizens across the United States have been calling for the destruction of New Jersey, or at the very least the state to secede from the Union.

A  viral video of a man punching "snookie" one of the "Jersey Shore" cast members in the face has spread across the internet like wildfire causing outrage in 49 of 50 states. Message boards across the internet have been bombarded with outraged posters from all across almost all of the United States. New Jersey citizens on the other hand have overwhelmingly approved the male on female assault.

In a statewide referendum, 90% of New Jeresey'ers voted "yo" when asked, "Yo broski would you sock this skank?" In a related poll 93% of respondents said "they grunt when they get their swell on at the gym."

Obama, in his address said that "destroying New Jersey is our new number one domestic priority. After seeing the reprehensible actions undertaken by the New Jersey beach goers on the MTV show "Jersey Shore" the United States has only one option, bombing the shit out of New Jersey.

The people of the United States have spoken and New Jersey is no longer welcome to participate in our great union. The guidos of New Jersey have given America a permanent black eye. I have issued executive order 13234, authorizing the United States military to begin bombing operations on the Jersey Shore. By Christmas New Jersey will be no more than a smoking crater and the guido scourge will be over."

Obama Reaches Across Aisle, Finally Earns Bipartisan Support

Barack Obama's off-the-record candor has finally earned him the bipartisan support that he has sought since becoming the 44th President of the United States. Although he has failed to drum up support across the aisle for his universal health care and economic policies, and his poll numbers have fallen to personal lows, his recent off-the-record comments about Kanye West have finally brought critics over to his side. During downtime in a recent interview, he was caught on camera saying, "He's a jackass," while discussing Kanye's recent interruption of Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. This elicited laughter from the crew filming the interview, although Obama immediately seemed to tense up in the afterwards of the remark. In recent days, he has come to embrace his candid dig at Kanye.

This week, Obama has made the rounds on the late night shows, appearing only to say his new catch phrase, "He's a jackass!" Even his critics have grudgingly offered praise. Conservative stalwarts like Glen Beck said, "Finally, the first real, un-scripted thing that Obama has said. Something we, in both parties, can get behind." Right-wing radio mainstay Rush Limbaugh opined, "Obama is finally backing up his rhetoric about bipartisanship, I think we can all get behind him in calling Kanye West a jackass." MSNBC firebrand Keith Olbermann offered effusive praise for Obama calling him a "revolutionary" and saying that "this criticism is as important as anything Obama has said or done to date. Bravo, Mr. President." A recent Rasmussen Poll has shown a significant 10 point jump in his approval ratings since the footage aired and perhaps, more importantly, that Obama can really reach across the aisle to both parties.

Simon Cowell: America Still Not Ready for Interesting American Idol

Simon Cowell, noted producer and star of Fox's American Idol, has released a scathing attack on every single person living in America after the surprise loss by Adam Lambert in the finals. Upset by the surprising results, which came after he all but guaranteed a victory by the flashy interesting and now un-closeted Adam Lambert, Simon Cowell released this statement yesterday to Billy Bush and Entertainment Tonight.

"I see that Americans, the wankers that they are, have absolutely no taste in anything. All that bollocks about America no longer being bigoted is complete rubbish. Sure Obama got elected, but who the hell cares about the President and Democracy, we're talking about American Idol here, we're much more popular than President Muppet, always cocking-up things around the world. Well those barmy Americans go ahead and vote for some prat named Kris, cor blimey he spells it with a K! Kris with a K. I shoulda known these are the same wankers who voted for Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. So we get this dodgy prick named Kris instead of the guy-lined Adam. I mean Christ, Brian May loved this chap, and I think he knows talent when he sees it. Americans can elect blacks, whites, Jews, girls, gays, straights, but those wankers still haven't learned how to elect a bloody interesting Idol yet. Here is my advice to you Americans who still can't figure out how to elect an idol with bollocks. You're dreadful. I hope you die, I hope your parents get divorced and you find out that you were actually born with both female and male genitals. You should just kill yourself, you're useless, you're ugly, you have a stupid laugh and you're probably going to gonorrhea and die before the age of 26."

Axl Rose to Recieve 3.4 Billion Dollars in Bailout Funds

Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.

The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.

RollingScone Platinum Post: For Readers Who Make Over 1.4 Billion Dollars Only.

A new feature of RollingScone is its monthly Platinum series, which is a high-class post for readers who make over 1.9 billion dollars yearly, not for our regular slumdog peon readers.

Today on RollingScone: class, class, class! Instead of a segment on that modicum of mediocrity "rock and roll," RollingScone will be moving its focus to New York and the bright shining lights of BROAAADWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! FABULOUS!!!!!

The play in our spotlight today is the new hit, Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Barack Obama Superstar. Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber with music by Mos Def, Barack Obama Superstar looks at the meteoric rise from of Obama, from his virgin birth to his inspiring victory over George W. "Satan" Bush. In a inspired bit of casting the role of Barack Obama will be played by none other than the star of Jesus Christ Superstar I himself, Jesus Christ. In a statement, Jesus Christ said that he is very pleased to be playing the new Savior of the Earth. "I enjoyed being the Savior, but it is obvious that I have been replaced, and I wish nothing but the best for our new Lord and Savior. I hope I can live up to his incredibly high standards."

The play has already sold out its 24 show run with tickets selling for over 20,000 dollars on eBay. Barack Obama himself has prophesied that the show will be a success, however privately he has been heard complaining that he would rather have been portrayed by Will Smith.

CREATE YOUR OWN CAPTION!!! volume 1

We here at RollingScone think our fans deserve a little something for slogging through all this tripe and so we have decided to rip off the New Yorker and let you, the reader, create your own caption for this hilaaaarious picture above. Send your submissions to JStags@yahoo.com so we can mock them without mercy. If yours is chosen you will get nothing, except a byline in the smallest font that we can manage. If no one sends anything (very likely) then our editor Joseph Steigerwald will make his own because chances are he's better at it than you anyway.

Sample Examples:
Beyonce (to Pete Seeger): Oh Mr. Seeger, I really like that "Night Moves" song, and "Turn the Page" is one of my all-time favorites!

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): Oh hey, how's the marriage you two. My kids really like that "Crazy in Love" song you guys did.

Bruce Springsteen (to Beyonce): Your Music is bullshit.

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): They let you guys run for president?

Will.i.am (to himself): What the hell's an inauguration.

Beyonce (to herself): Is this Bono...?

Pete Seeger (to himself): Hopefully someone will mistake me for Willie Nelson and give me a joint.



(Pete Seeger, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce Knowles, and will.i.am at the We Are One concert at the Lincoln Memorial during festivities for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Photo courtesy Alex Brandon of the Associated Press.)

RollingScone EXCLUSIVE: First look at Obama Inauguration Theme Song

In an exclusive story, RollingScone has uncovered the formerly secret lyrics to the Barack Obama Inauguration Theme Song. The song, which was chosen in a contest won by little known soul singer Lady D, will be played on Tuesday during the Inauguration. The inspirational melody was inspired by John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change," "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito and the intro is a direct keyboard homage to "Final Countdown" by Europe.

The previously unknown lyrics to Lady D's "Go Higher."

To all the spirits gone before us,
to all the ones who know us,
we've been here waiting,
waiting for a change.

A change in all of our lives,
a change coming 'cuz of our cries,
embodied in just one man,
a man who says, yes we can!

Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep Barack down,
Obama's the best around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

Obama's gonna change the nation,
gonna fix the economy,
reverse global warming,
clean up Iraq and spark world harmony.

Obama's gonna outlaw all things that are bad,
like crying babies, and clowns that are sad.
No more murder, guns or divorce,
What about healthcare? Universal, of course!

Obama's gonna fix the BCS,
Obama's gonna join the Washington Wizards
and win an NBA championship
then he's gonna become a wide reciever for the Redskins,
and catch 200 catches, and win the MVP and a Super Bowl,
then he's gonna fly to Pakistan and use his x-ray vision to find Bin Laden
and then he's gonna star in his very own motion picture and it'll gross 500 million dollars
and then when the aliens come, Obama's gonna fight them off with his bare hands, and blow up the Alien's mothership with his Change Power and then he's -

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

(guitar solo)

Fight! till you drop,
never stop! You can't give up!
Until you reach the top! (Fight!)
You're the best in town! (Fight!)
Listen to that sound! (Fight!)
A little bit of all you got, will never bring you down!

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down. (Nothing!)
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down. (Nothing!)

RollingScone EXCLUSIVE!: Sufjan Stevens Declares Washington D.C. Subject of Next Album in Fifty States Project

Folk singer-songwriter-musician Sufjan Stevens, in an inexpected move, has declared Washington D.C. to be the third album of his ongoing project to write an album about all of the fifty United States of America. The first two albums in the series reflected on the history and geography of Michigan, Stevens' home state, and Illinois. Although there has been much speculation about the next state chosen for the project, with Oregon, California, New Jersey, and New York mentioned most often, but choosing the District of Columbia was the subject of his next album was an unexpected move, especially since it is not actually a state. However, according to Stevens, was the basis of its appeal in his nationwide musical adventure.

"The District of Columbia was a really interesting subject for this album. Residents of Washington D.C. enjoy less self-governance than anyone else in the nation. They couldn't even vote for president until 1961! With the historic election of Barack Obama, I became more interested in the musical possibilities of the folklore and mystery of the United States government," says Stevens.

The album is expected be a significant musical departure for Stevens from his normal soulful melancholy, orchestral folk, possibly incorporating musical elements previously unused by Stevens, including patriotic songs, jazz, rap, and hardcore.