President Obama "Destroying New Jersey is our Number One Priority"

Washington D.C - President Barack Obama outlined his plans for fixing America during his recent State of the Union Address. Near the top of his list: fixing the economy, stopping global warming and sending more troops to Afghanistan. However, Obama made sure to reiterate that his number one priority is and has been "bombing the shit out of New Jersey."

Since the premiere of the new MTV show "Jersey Shore" citizens across the United States have been calling for the destruction of New Jersey, or at the very least the state to secede from the Union.

A  viral video of a man punching "snookie" one of the "Jersey Shore" cast members in the face has spread across the internet like wildfire causing outrage in 49 of 50 states. Message boards across the internet have been bombarded with outraged posters from all across almost all of the United States. New Jersey citizens on the other hand have overwhelmingly approved the male on female assault.

In a statewide referendum, 90% of New Jeresey'ers voted "yo" when asked, "Yo broski would you sock this skank?" In a related poll 93% of respondents said "they grunt when they get their swell on at the gym."

Obama, in his address said that "destroying New Jersey is our new number one domestic priority. After seeing the reprehensible actions undertaken by the New Jersey beach goers on the MTV show "Jersey Shore" the United States has only one option, bombing the shit out of New Jersey.

The people of the United States have spoken and New Jersey is no longer welcome to participate in our great union. The guidos of New Jersey have given America a permanent black eye. I have issued executive order 13234, authorizing the United States military to begin bombing operations on the Jersey Shore. By Christmas New Jersey will be no more than a smoking crater and the guido scourge will be over."

Panicked Viewers Flood MTV With Reports of Unidentified Music Video Sighting

Panicked MTV (Music Television) viewers have begun flooding the network with reports of an actual music video sighting. Just minutes before the premiere of the new MTV (Music Television) show Jersey Shore, excited guidos everywhere were shocked to discover a snippet of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video.

Older non-targeted demographics may remember a time when music videos were in regular rotation on all of the MTV (Music Television) networks. However nearly all female viewers in the 18-24 year range have never experienced an MTV (Music Television) music video.

Calls began pouring in to MTV (Music Television) headquarters in New York shortly before 10pm EST. Viewers reported seeing Lady Gaga dancing in a choreographed routine while singing Bad Romance. Many callers did not understand that these "music videos" are previously recorded and were outraged at not being notified that Lady Gaga was performing that night.

MTV (Music Television) immediately responded with a statement saying that the music video was a programming mistake and that it was shut off after only 25 seconds of airtime. MTV (Music Television) told Rolling Scone-ONLINE that the actual clip was supposed to be a promo for MTV's (Music Television) new prime time show, "Stereotyp'd," which will undoubtably set back race relations in America. The new show features different races acting exactly like their stereotypical selves, except on camera for all America to see.

Music Television appologized for the music video making it onto their airwaves and said that they would double their efforts to make sure that no music video ever aired again on Music Television.