I don't remember what day it is.
I've been listening to Kiss 96.1 for the past three weeks. No breaks, no silence, only the sounds of the Kiss Freak Show in the morning, Tall Cathy from 10 to 1... I can't remember who comes on after that. Some incompetent jackass. It's all the same... all the same.
Who am I?
The inane babbling. If i hear one more mention of the word freak show I'm going to take my own life and the lives of thousands of other innocent people. The incompetent disc jockeying, if Bubba interrupts the ending of another song with his shitty singing I'm going to rip my eyes out of my head. The incredibly stupid celebrity gossip. Who cares... WHO CARES!!! NO ONE CARES TALL CATHY, NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT VH1 SLUT TIGER WOODS WAS BANGING.
I'm okay...
I've heard Bad Romance three hundred and twenty six times... today. Brittney Spears singing about threesomes and orgies has lost all of its meaning. I can't tell if this song is Rhianna, Beyonce or Keisha. I don' think it matters.
...
I can't stop thinking about which celebrities I'd like to interview. I bet Matthew Fox has a lot of interesting things to say. I'd really like to get inside the mind of Sharon Osbourne...
I wonder what Adam Lambert is up to since his racy AMA performance? Probably something extremely interesting and relevant to our nation.
Kiss 96.1 has been playing for one whole month straight.
...
What am I becoming? I'm... changing...
My hair has begun to change colors. My tips have become frosted. My hair has begun to stand up in a spiky yet tousled style that exudes both smug self satisfaction and rebel without a comb.
...
Kiss 96.1 is still on, I can't even hear it anymore, my mind has been overwhelmed by the Tiger Woods scandal, Jersey Shore, celebrity sex tapes, who John Mayer is sleeping with. It's all too much.
I've been overwhelemed by a feeling... For the past two weeks it has slowly engulfed me...I can't fight it anymore... I want to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! No, I have to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! Where can I find a celebrity so pathetic and irrelevent that they will gladly give up their entire lives for my flim crew... I don't know if any Hollywood celebrity would ever sink so low, but I have to try...
I have another great idea for a show... I have to get together with Paris Hilton, she's the only one smart and talented enough to help me realize my dreams...
I have to host a show on E! I have to have a syndicated radio show thats broadcast across America.
My old self is dead. I am no longer the man I used to be.
...
I know who I am... I know what I have become... It all makes sense now.
...
I AM RYAN SEACREST!
...
SEACREST OUT!
Showing posts with label Scandal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scandal. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter
What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.
The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.
According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.
The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.
Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.
Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.
The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.
According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.
The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.
Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.
Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.
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