The 12 Worst Things To Happen to Music This Decade

Because of the demand for arbitrary lists at the end of the year, The Rolling Scone Blog has given in to blog pressure and prepared a list of the 12 lamest things to happen to music in the past decade.

In no real order...

12.) Self-Aggrandizing Music Blogs
One of the worst developments of the past decade is the proliferation of music blogs on the internet. Now everyone with a 56k modem and an Ipod is a "music expert," mucking up the internet with their opinions and insights, forgetting of course that literally, no one cares. Fortunately most of them die off quickly, as their creators eventually figure out that 6 of the 8 people that visit their sites each day are in fact themselves, checking on their own site meters.

11.) Popular Country Music
The homogenized, sterile world in which country music operates is a world much like the one that exists on the Disney Channel. There is no swearing, no overt sexuality, everyone looks really pretty, and no one ever has a problem that can't be solved by singing about tractors or trucks. Country music has its own magazines, its own award shows, its own producers. There is little interaction between the worlds of rock and country and the results are bland, uninspired music made by talented session musicians.

10.) Awards Shows
Quick! Name the last 4 winners of the coveted Grammy for Artist of the Year. No, the answer isn't U2, U2, U2, U2. Or is it? No one knows, that's the problem, and no one cares. There are plenty of other music awards shows to ignore, like The People's Choice Awards, the MTV Music Video Awards, The Billboard Awards. The only person who seems to care about these awards is Kanye West, who makes it a yearly event to bitch about being snubbed from something. The solution to this problem is to completely ignore it until it goes away.

9.) Pitchfork Becomes Important:
There are so many things wrong with Pitchfork that it's hard to chose just nine, much less only one. Pitchfork's ascension to the top of the indie taste making charts is based primarily on the fact that they are, in fact, assholes. Like an insolent 11 year old, Pitchfork has made its living by needlessly insulting the work of others, unless those "others" happen to make music that no one really wants to listen to. Pitchfork is equivalent to that annoying high school friend who only listened to bands that no one has ever heard of, thus insuring that they could scoff at anyone "still listening to Coheed and Cambria. By basically ignoring 95% of popular music, Pitchfork gives off the impression that they are cool, thus inspiring millions of gullible kids in tight jeans to mindlessly cling to their elitist opinions.

8.) The Continued Death of Rock N Roll
Rock may still be alive in neutered form, that is if you can call Trapt, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace "rock," but rock n roll has been dead since at last 1992. Guns N' Roses may still be around, but even them, rock n roll's last bastion of hope, now, sadly, sucks. Bands like Coheed and Cambria, Queens of the Stone Age, White Stripes, Ash, My Chemical Romance and the Foo Fighters continue to rock in various forms, but the bluesy take no prisoners rock n roll attitude of Zeppelin, GNR and AC/DC is long since gone.

7.) The Rise of Indie Rock
Indie rock, which towards the end of the decade finally supplanted emo as the "rock" genre of choice, is a way to inclusive genre that includes virtually every band in the world. The biggest problem with indie rock is that it just doesn't rock. There are plenty of good indie bands in the world, but as the leading flag bearer of the rock movement, they are woefully unprepared. The charts are completely dominated by rap and R&B leaving almost no space for rock. Indie rock, whose biggest bands are based almost exclusively on hype generated by Pitchfork and Rolling Stone, just can't drum up more than cursory interest.

6.) Rolling Stone's Lists
Jack White being #11 on Rolling Stone's top 100 guitarists. Edward Van Halen, who basically invented modern guitar playing is tucked up in the 70's. A blatant disregard for anything from the 70's and 80's has  
become Rolling Stone's MO. Metal doesn't even exist in the world of Rolling Stone, and that is painfully obvious by looking at their exclusive lists.

5.) Rolling Stone: The Magazine
This is the same magazine who gave Black Sabbath's Paranoid 1 star and trashed Led Zeppelin's early work. Their continued existence is one of the biggest mysteries of the music world. They continually miss the boat on new trends whilst suckling the teat of the old guard, passing out 5-star reviews to U2 and Mick Jagger's vastly uninspired work.


4.) All Music Sucks
Obviously all music doesn't suck. But really, music sucks these days. Lady Gaga is probably the most interesting artist of the past year. Radiohead now sucks. Outkast doesn't even exist in any real form. Coheed's last album was a disappointment. Ash isn't releasing any new albums and Stevie Ray Vaughn is still dead. Nickelback remains a viable musical entity. Creed reunited. Ke$ha has the #1 song in the world. Prince is a Mormon. The list could go on and on... but it won't.


3.) Led Zeppelin Reunited
Obviously this isn't a bad thing, in fact if that was the whole story it would be the greatest thing to happen to music since the electric guitar. Unfortunately the rest of the caption should read: Led Zeppelin Reunited... For One Show. God forbid they should embark on a world tour and let all their hundreds of millions of fans a chance to see them.


2.) Rolling Scone Remains Undiscovered
Somehow, despite the constant evidence to the contrary, Rolling Scone isn't the most popular blog on the internet. Despite millions and millions of incredible articles and opinions, our work remains as un-viewed as a Whoopi Goldberg porno. If there was a God then Pitchfork would be struck down and everyone would love Rolling Scone instead. Unfortunately that means that there is no God. Sorry to break the news.

1.) The Death of a Bunch of Good Musicians
Michael Jackson, Layne Staley, George Harrison, Rick James... just to name a few of the people that died. Although most of them were well past their musical primes and thus virtually useless, its still sad. Unless you hated their bands, or looked down on child molestation. Then it was a pretty good decade for everyone, except for fans of music.

REVIEW: Muse - The Resistance

MUSE - THE RESISTANCE
Quick Take: Muse ups the classical influences, but still finds room to rock.

Best Track(s): Guiding Light, Resistance

If you’re listening to the new Muse album “The Resistance,” chances are you’re not a regular Pitchfork reader. In fact if you find yourself enjoying skillful instrumental interplay that adorns the early troika of songs (“Uprising”, “Resistance”, “Undisclosed Desires,”) opening the album, you may in fact be one of the increasingly scarce fans of MUSIC. That’s music as in big bold, multi-tracked guitars, bass lines that scamper from the first frets of E to the heights of G, drums that confound the senses, pianos with endless octaves and strings, STRINGS, STRINGS everywhere. You don’t listen to music for introspective lyrics; in fact you probably don’t even listen to the verses. You’re just in it for those fist pumping choruses, full of we(s) and us(s) and resistance(s) and uprising(s) never break us(s). These are the things you crave in your MUSIC, and fortunately for you, Muse is about to tickle your fancy (if that’s your sort of thing read on.)

If you made it past the first 15 seconds of the opener “Uprising” you will probably be absolutely in love the rest of the album… Actually scratch that, if you were able to look at the track listing and a three part orchestral piece called “Exogenesis: Orchestra” didn’t cause you to either a) vomit or b) stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and hum the latest Grizzly Bear album for the next 15 minutes you will probably be absolutely in LOVE with the rest of the album. Muse lives in a black and white world and you’re either with us, or against us.

“The Resistance,” is the fifth studio album from the worlds first and only space-prog-rock-opera-wtf band. If you’re still reading this review, you probably are a Muse fan, otherwise you’d be reading this review on PITCHFORK or ROLLING STONE and you would probably be smirking while reading the slightly derogatory, better than thou review which of course will be giving the album between 2.5 and 3 stars and then flipping (or browsing) to the breaking news that says “omg Pavement is getting back together!...” the 2.5 to 3 stars that is just enough to placate the fans, but not high enough to turn off all the cool kids who hate Muse from thinking that said magazine is losing its edge.

Alright, now that we’ve dispensed with the haters, what’s next? Oh, the music. OK, think of “Black Holes and Revelations,” now blow that up by about 15, ramp up the classical music influences by 10, multiply the insanity of Matt Bellamy by 9.6, end with a three part symphony and ta-da! new Muse. The music itself is impossible to quantify on its own, either you know what Muse sounds like or you don’t. What started as a sort of quasi-Radiohead sound has now fused with Beethoven, Gershwin and Queen and then sautéed with Spinal Tap, these songs go up to 11, (or 12… or 13). Each successive album has increased the intensity, and theatrics. In comparison, "Showbiz" and "Origin of Symmetry" sounds like exhibitions of restraint. Even “Absolution” and “Revelations” had their downtime, a break or two in the insanity and a chance to cleanse your aural palate. No dice here; “The Resistance,” keeps on hitting. It actually can become overwhelming in some places if you try and listen to things individually. In these instances don’t panic, just let the waves of sound pummel you until the song ends.

Uprising begins the album in the album in the usual Muse fashion. A left cross to the face, a synth line that could have been lifted from Nightmare on Elm Street, with a shout along chorus, and a killer bass line. Resistance finds them in their most familiar state of play, a la “Revelations'” Starlight and Invincible. Undisclosed Desires finds them in Depeche Mode territory, with dancing synth lines and a drum machine beat. Guiding Light, the best song on the album builds slowly, with shimmering synths, a killer 3 second guitar solo until it builds up enough emotion for one more breaking chorus. MK Ultra is a driving rock song dressed up with octave jumping synths. The United States of Eurasia, is a song that cannot possibly be described in words, but be prepared for a chorus from an off-Broadway play, a soothing piano solo, echoes of Rush’s 2112 and a instrumental break that sounds like it was lifted from Final Fantasy. As the album progresses the songs get grander, more complicated, culminating in the three part Exogenesis Orchestra. If that wasn’t enough, Bellamy also sings in French.

What binds the songs together throughout the album (besides their extravagance,) is Muse's willingness to sound like nothing else in music, and the incredible dexterity and skill of the three main players. Matthew Bellamy, who handles vocals, guitar and piano may be the most talented triple threat in popular music. He also may be one of the most grandiose and over the top, but he never operates in guitar hero territory, he sticks to indelible production, which adds big shiny lairs of sound to every track. Strings are everywhere, and his guitar takes a backseat to his voice. Bellamy may take most of the credit for the sound but Christopher Wolstenholme’s bass cannot be ignored. Previously it could be heard as the centerpiece for songs like Muscle Museum and Hysteria. For “The Resistance” it occupies a slightly lower place in the mix, but his mix of boogie and drive is still integral to the sound and just sounds awesome on songs like Resistance and MK Ultra. Drummer Dominic Howard tends to get lost in the space opera, but his drumming is the perfect kind of backing for this type of music and propels the music perfectly. He locks in perfectly with Wolsetnholme to add the punishing riffs that bring the band its heavy sound. But when necessary he can provide the funky dance beats (I Belong to You), in the rare time that Muse comes down from their usual dominion in the dark matter.

“The Resistance” is an excellent album from end to end, and although its not quite as revolutionary as “Blackholes and Revelations” or as driving and urgent as “Absolution,” it still represents another step in the evolution the band. It has to be noted that the sound hasn’t strayed too far from the driving bass, neo classical piano and tremolo guitar solo ground work which was laid out on the very first song on their 1999 debut, “Showbiz’s” Sunburn. But while the sound may be technically similar, but “The Resistance” relies on its classical roots over the hard charging rock of their past.

Muse isn’t for everyone, this I fully understand and have accepted. You either like them or you don’t, and the sound isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Because of that I am prepared to offer two completely different ratings: one for the Muse fans, and the other for the assholes that have no idea what good music sounds like and probably listen to Pavement, and are dumb.

Verdict:
(For Muse Fans and Smart Good Looking People): B+
(Pavement and Pitchfork Fans): C-

Exclusive Look at How Rolling Stone Rates Albums

Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.

Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.

If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star