Tiger Woods Finally Back in the Headlines

It's Tiger, Tiger Woods ya'll!

For all of you out there going through withdrawal from a lack of Eldrick "Tiger" Woods in the headlines. Don't worry, you're about to get what you can't live without. Tiger is back and he's all over the front page.

Yesterday, a new report from the Associated Press has revealed that Tiger Woods is home from sex rehab and once again getting into golf shape. Although there is no timetable for Tiger's return to the PGA, this latest report may add to the rumors that he will play in the Masters, April 8th-11th and thus bring balance (and viewers) back to the tour. To get into "golf shape" Tiger Woods will spend the next month drinking Pabst, eating chili-cheese hot dogs, making passes at 16 year old drink girls and smoking between "5 and 12 Cuban Cigars a day."

If that wasn't enough to get your Tiger fix, right on the heels of that story comes this poorly written little piece of comic gold. A self-penned written statement from Tiger Woods' college girlfriend, Irene Folstrom, claiming that he in fact is a great guy who never cheated on her. More specifically, and I quote,

"I’m not naive, but I can say with certainty that he was faithful during the time we dated... Well there was that one time when I found him naked with that cheerleader on the 16th green, but he explained to me that he was just teaching her how to putt. It was weird because they didn't have any clubs, and i noticed he wasn't wearing his lucky golf glove, but I trusted him then and I trust him now."

She goes on to chronicle how she and Tiger would illegally buy alcohol and talk about the future.

"Tiger would put the whiskey bottle to his lips and tell me 'bitch, I'm leavin' you for a white woman,' and I would have to talk him out of it, and then when he would sober up and say 'he wanted to make a larger contribution to society.' Looking back on that I just have to smile because obviously he didn't come through on any of those aspirations. His contributions to society have been to hawk useless products to lower income teens. I don't really know what he was talking about... unless he includes having sex with porn stars making a contribution to society."

Naturally Irene Folstrom is not trying to get rich or famous off of Tiger Woods. How can we be so sure? Because she specifically states it in the first paragraph of the story.

"Tiger Woods was my boyfriend for a year and a half while we were both undergraduates at Stanford. I've never spoken to the press about him; I'm not coming forward now for money or to advance any pathetic showbiz aspirations, but merely to stick up for a friend. I haven't seen Tiger since the late ’90s, but I know who he is at his core because we were together during some of his most formative years and I have ESPN so I was able to watch him over the past ten years, although not in person because he always ignored my phone calls."

Obviously someone so honest and trustworthy would have absolutely not ulterior motives to talk about Tiger Woods in such a good light. Although that 200k that was "placed" in her mailbox, by an "unknown" stranger probably didn't hurt.

Pittsburgh's KISS 96.1 Morning Show DJ's Joke Still Funny After 800 Times

"Ra-ra, ra-ra-ra, roma, ro-ma-ma, ga-ga, ohh la-la, I want your bad romance."

These are the lyrics to Lady Gaga's hit song, Bad Romance. When Lady Gaga sings them, they sound good, but when Kiss FM DJ Big Bob sings them in unison? Well that's just hilarious. In fact, it's so funny, that Big Bob has proceeded to sing the last 2 lines of the song in a humorous voice every time the song has been on between 6 and 10AM for the past 127 days. Because the song is on between 2 and 3 times an hour, Big Bob has made the same colorful attempt at humor over 800 times, an amazing number just in itself. But what is even more amazing is that the joke still holds the same appeal, the same hilarity as it did the first time Big Bob attempted it.

"I still sing along with the song because it's still funny when I do it. In fact, it's so funny I dont just sing at the end of Lady Gaga, I do it at the end of Miley Cyrus and the end of Ke$ha too," Big Bob told Rolling Scone in an exclusive interview. "It's akin to watching the 'Ouch Charlie' You Tube video over and over and over again, its funny the first time, but then it gets even funnier upon repeated viewings. Or like the Van Wilder movies, yes the first one was great, but are you really going to tell me that the original Van Wilder is better than Van Wilder: Freshman Year or Van Wilder: the Rise of Taj? Of course not! It's because they take the same jokes that they made in the original and just insert them in the new movies without any regard to plot or timing and then MAGIC, it's somehow even funnier the 5th, the 6th and even yes the 800th time."

Big Bob stated that he will not stop doing it until the joke loses its magic. "Maybe after its 30,000th time, you know that's what's so crazy about comedy. You can't really tell what will be funny and for how long, seriously,  I'm still laughing at that Star Wars Kid from You Tube. and I don't know anyone who doesn't think that's still hilarious. But I have lightning in a bottle here, I can't just give it up while the joke is still fresh. As soon as it's no longer hilarious, I'll stop."

Pompous Jerk Online Blog Editor Tires of Pretentious Indie Friends, Probably Won't Hang Out With Them Anymore

Joseph Steigerwald, Senior Blogger at the still unknown Rolling Scone - Online and drinker of his own intellectual Kool-Aid, has grown tired of his indie and lo-fi loving "friends." Mr. Steigerwald came to this realization during a recent party at his swanky new Mt. Washington house with a jacuzzi and a killer view that overlooks the city. During the party, two of his more opinionated "friends" were arguing about who was better, U2's the Edge or Jack White of the White Stripes. The two droned on and on about pointless minutiae, everything from who was a better guitar player to whether or not using too many guitar delay pedals made the Edge less of a musician. As Mr. Steigerwald's eyes drooped, he realized that he should probably find some friends who like Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance instead of Arcade Fire and Ryan Adams, as they would probably be more into doing keg stands and hitting on chicks. "Everyone knows that Ryan Adams is completely overrated," Mr. Steigerwald told Rolling Scone during a recent interview from his 3rd story penthouse, "I just wish that these 'friends' of mine were into good music, like the things I listen to. I have the best and most varied taste in music out of anyone. I think it's official, I'm going to start hanging out with really slutty girls and guys who drink Jagerbombs and wear Affliction t-shirts. Those are my people now."