A quick brief of the musical transactions from the past month from all the major musical genres.
Pop:
4/03 - Agrees to trade Jessica Simpson and cash to Country for the rights to Chris Gaines.
4/12 - Placed Justin Timberlake on the 3 year disabled list.
4/21 - Agrees to terms with Leona Lewis, 2 years - 21 million dollars.
Country:
4/13 - Agrees to a 4 year - 53 million dollar extension for Taylor Swift.
4/26 - Reassigned Dierks Bentley to the minor leagues.
Rock:
4/21 - Rejected Rap's trade: Lil' Wayne and Fred Durst for Fall Out Boy and Kevin Rudolf
Rap:
4/20 - DMX arraigned on drug charges, will be placed on the PUP list for 5-6 years.
4/25 - Agrees to trade Kanye West to Emo for cash and weed
R&B:
4/2 - Releases R.Kelly
4/3 - Recalled N.E.R.D. from minors
Emo:
4/25: Acquires Kanye West from Rap
Metal:
4/1: Names Metallica captain for upcoming season
4/14: Agrees to 12 year - 100 million dollar contract extension for Mastodon
Classical:
4/2: Names Beethoven to all-decade team
4/9: Folds Operations
Jazz:
No transactions
Showing posts with label Jessica Simpson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jessica Simpson. Show all posts
Friday, May 1, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
John Mayer Named "Smug Magazine's" Artist of the Year.
In breaking news, RollingScone has received word that John Mayer has received Smug Magazine's coveted Artist of the Year Award. RollingScone has an exclusive excerpt from Smug's upcoming May issue.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
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