40th Anniversary of Woodstock Not Remembered by Any in Attendence

As the 40th anniversary of Woodstock came and went, only one thing was certain: no one could remember a damn thing about it. Even pinning down the date the concert actually happened required three scientists five months of intense research and testing. The date was eventually found in the pages of Ten Years After guitarist Alvin Lee's diary, which was discovered wedged between a pound of cocaine and a '69 Gibson Les Paul in his root cellar.

The last remaining musician with memories of the original Woodstock lost them in 2007 after he discovered Yanni and "The New Republic." Most of the other original attendees lost their memories through the sweet embrace of death or from copious amounts of LSD and weed. The actual original Woodstock bill has also been lost to history, and while acts from Jim Croce to the Moody Blues have been rumored to have performed, none of the musicians can remember if they actually played or if they were just having a really killer trip.

The chances that there will be enough remaining brain cells for a 50th anniversary celebration seem doubtful. When asked what he remembered about the event, at a recent 40th anniversary party, alleged concert goer Jim Benson said, "Wait, man, we're here for what? a Woodstock? whats a Woodstock, man...? oh wait you mean that little yellow bird that talks in punctuation marks? Oh man, I love that bird, man. Man, Snoopy...He always lay on top of his doghouse, man. That dog was a trip man... man."

In spite of these hindrances to historical remembrance, nostalgia - if not an actual time or date - for the legendary concert will continue in the hearts and minds of every 18 year-old Haight-Asbury panhandler, burnt-out junkie, Pitchfork staff member and dirty hippy.

Yanni Signs New 6-Year Deal with Guantanamo Bay to Supply Music for Tortures

Yanni, best known for his turgid soft-orchestral elevator muzak has signed a new 6-year deal with Guantanamo Bay his agent reported yesterday. With the new contract Yanni will become the exclusive provider of torture music for the United States until 2015. Yanni will compose between twenty to thirty brand new songs that will be used by soldiers and prison officials at the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay. The songs will be piped in to each prison cell between 11am and 3pm daily in order to soften up the Arab terror suspects. Additionally Yanni's music will be used during all water boarding sessions. Terms of the deal were not disclosed but most analysts put the number in the high seven digits.