Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.
Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.
If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star
Showing posts with label John Mayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John Mayer. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
John Mayer Named "Smug Magazine's" Artist of the Year.
In breaking news, RollingScone has received word that John Mayer has received Smug Magazine's coveted Artist of the Year Award. RollingScone has an exclusive excerpt from Smug's upcoming May issue.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
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