Axl Rose to Recieve 3.4 Billion Dollars in Bailout Funds

Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.

The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Today on the RollingScone, an Editorial... from Satan!

Lucifer D. Satan here, (the D stands for Delightful!). Today I would like to talk to you, dear RollingScone readers, about something that has been bugging me lately: the lack of props that have been shown to me in recent years. Doesn't anyone remember the good ol' days when artists were selling their souls to me left and right just for the opportunity to write a killer rock song. Robert Johnson, Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, The Monkee's; all wrote I.O.U's that their asses are gonna be cashin real soon. (Well except for the Stones, I gave them immortal life.) I used to get respect from the Blues community, they knew that I was the source of all their howlin' and pickin'. But today, nothing! You think Britney Spears sold out for all that "talent?" of course not, that's all Louisiana home cookin' right there. I mean I gave Axl Rose his soul back after the Use Your Illusion tour and look what happened, 13 damn years and all we got was Chinese Democracy? Good Lord! And don't think I haven't noticed all you heathens mocking me in your movies and TV shows.

First off, to Ralph "Karate Kid" Macchio, yeah you were great in Karate Kid, but there's no way you could handle what my shits bringin'. I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back, blindfolded while making out with Jamie Gertz. I love that one of my clients, Stevie Vai, played me in the movie, he's a real B.A. but c'mon! RALPH MACCHIO, and he didn't even have Pat Morita or that hot Shue girl to root him on. I definitely woulda put him in a body bag. Notice to Charlie Daniels, even if I did play the fiddle, which I don't 'cuz it's gay, I would still be able to kick your ass. Will Farrell and Garth Brooks, What The F!!!. You wanna compare songs? How bout Stairway to Heaven, Hey Jude, Sympathy for the Devil. I almost shit a brick when I saw that "skit." I'm the Devil, I think I know how to rock. And P.S. see you guys in about a week.

I don't even get my name in the liner notes anymore. At least Zeppelin gave me a shout out if you play Zeppelin IV backwards. And I'm pretty sure I made it into a few song lyrics back in the 70's. Chris Brown may be beating Rihanna in my name, but he sure ain't shoutin' my praises in his damn liner notes, or on Entertainment Tonight. Well whatever, I don't need any of your acknowledgements, I'll see you all soon anyway, when you're burning in hell!