RollingScone, a brief history pt.1

Today on The Scone: Part one of a four part series that chronicles the unabridged, unedited, and completely untruthful history of the worlds greatest internet music blog.

The Early Days:
Founded by London noble Lord Abernathy in 1683 as a monthly periodical, the early Scone featured musings on a variety of topics like the apointment of Henry Purcell as keeper of the king's instruments at Chapel Royal and reviews of the latest popular operas (John Blow's Venus and Adonis is given the Scone's first 2-star review.) In its inaugural year the Scone had 3 columnists, 1 music critic, and one satirist.

The first controversy at the Scone was over satirist James Purcell's critique of King Charles II falling asleep at an opera. The piece was entitled "King Charles: a lazy boob, or just mentally challenged?" Purcell was sentenced to death by hanging in the month of December after a 12 minute trial found him guilty of treason. However the controversy increased the circulation tenfold and by 1686 the Scone was the most popular monthly in Britain. Unfortunately as rock music had not been invented yet, 99% of the reviews were 1-star, and most were puncuated by complaints of "not enough guitar solos." The lack of interest in the music scene led to a five year hiatus by the scone from 1687-1692 due to Lord Abernathy's addiction to opiates.

When the scone returned in 1693 it remained for the next hundred years as a yearly 50 page book, which dropped any hint of satire and humor and instead simply reviewed every major classical and operatic piece of each year. Pieces from Bach and Vivaldi were savaged with 1 and 2 star reviews and in the hundred years only Beethoven and Mozart managed to impress the editors and writers at the scone enough to get a 3 star review. Lord Abernathy II who had taken over for his father in 1712, after Lord Abernathy I had contracted gangrene from a paper cut he had recieved from the 10 year anniversary issue, had been losing 30,000 pounds per year as circulation had dropped to less than 6 people. Lord Abernathy II eventually closed the Scone, as he was arrested and placed in a debtors prison in 1723. There he was shanked by a fellow prisoner over a crust of bread. After this the scone languished in obscurity, until a chance encounter in Philadelphia in 1776.

Music Transactions for April 2009

A quick brief of the musical transactions from the past month from all the major musical genres.

Pop:
4/03 - Agrees to trade Jessica Simpson and cash to Country for the rights to Chris Gaines.
4/12 - Placed Justin Timberlake on the 3 year disabled list.
4/21 - Agrees to terms with Leona Lewis, 2 years - 21 million dollars.

Country:
4/13 - Agrees to a 4 year - 53 million dollar extension for Taylor Swift.
4/26 - Reassigned Dierks Bentley to the minor leagues.

Rock:
4/21 - Rejected Rap's trade: Lil' Wayne and Fred Durst for Fall Out Boy and Kevin Rudolf

Rap:
4/20 - DMX arraigned on drug charges, will be placed on the PUP list for 5-6 years.
4/25 - Agrees to trade Kanye West to Emo for cash and weed

R&B:
4/2 - Releases R.Kelly
4/3 - Recalled N.E.R.D. from minors

Emo:
4/25: Acquires Kanye West from Rap

Metal:
4/1: Names Metallica captain for upcoming season
4/14: Agrees to 12 year - 100 million dollar contract extension for Mastodon

Classical:
4/2: Names Beethoven to all-decade team
4/9: Folds Operations

Jazz:
No transactions