American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter

What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.

The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.

According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.

The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.

Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.

Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.

BREAKING NEWS from the GRAMMYS

This Just In! Breaking News from the Grammy's™. In another startling upset, Metallica has been shut out once again, losing the "Best Rock Album" award to Jethro Tull. This Regarded as the front runners, the 0 time winning band, who recently decided to come back to the Grammy Awards after boycotting the event after their ...And Justice for All, lost out on the Best Hard Rock Album of the Year award to Jethro Tull. This recent announcement has caused some consternation as Jethro Tull wasn't actually nominated for any awards.

Also announced as winners at this year event:

U2 won 12 awards, including album of the year for All That You Can't Leave Behind, the 9th year in a row that this album has won the award.

Miley Cyrus won for Jailbait of the year award, supplanting last year's winner JoJo.

Jizz in my Pants won for Best Song, a first for the boys from Lonely Island.

Best Rap album was cancelled due to the fact that none of the nominators have ever listened to a rap album.