Rob Sheffield Has Never Actually Listened to a Morrissey Song

"At this point, she's like the new Morrissey, except with even more eyeliner." - Rob Sheffield of Rolling Stone.

Rob Sheffield, worse than Hitler

It would be easy to dismiss this quote as: ill-conceived; a desperate ploy to sound hip; a failed attempt to score indie cred, or; worse than Hitler, and all of the preceding quips would be completely justified. However, for a magazine that prides itself for raking musicians over the coals for songwriting faux pas, a quote this horrible must be thoroughly and utterly deconstructed.

Now in theory, comparing a musician like Taylor Swift - a celebrity dating, female pop-country starlet who rose to immense fame by writing songs about boys, losing boys, falling in love with boys and thinking about boys, and whose albums have consistently reached the top of the US charts to Morrissey; the asexual(?) heterosexual(?), bisexual(?), homosexual(?), celibate, pale, pompadoured former lead singer of the Smiths, whose work has been labeled as some of the most influential in all of popular culture but who never had an album reach higher than #55 on the US Billboard charts - seems completely and utterly moronic. But actually in practice it turns out that it's much, much worse. In fact it's so bad that it needs its own list of things that it is, in fact, worse than.

Things that this quote is worse than:
Hitler
9/11
Osama Bin Laden
Socialism
Kurt Cobain being named the 12th greatest guitarist of all time by Rolling Stone
George Bush's grasp of the English Language
Paul Krugman's grasp of economic theory
Pitchfork's genuine disregard and contempt for music and humanity in general
The Devil
Larry the Cable Guy's stand-up
Tyler Perry
The Show Lil'Bush
Ja'Rule
Limp Bizkit's cover of "Behind Blue Eyes"
L33t speak
People who tailgate
The fact that the sun will explode in 5 billion years destroying the entire solar system
The Crusades
Romantic comedies starring Sandra Bullock
Seeing your parents naked
Aids
Tucker Max's views towards women
MTV's Director of Programming
The slow and inevitable aging process that is slowly destroying your body and leaving you old, wrinkly, and impotent
Waterboarding

The quote is so offensive that the only explanation is that Rob Sheffield has never heard a song by Morrissey or the Smiths. This would make sense as neither of those is the Arcade Fire or Lil Wayne.

To paraphrase Wayne Campbell, "If Rob Sheffield was an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and total sell-out in order to capitalize on Taylor Swift's burgeoning popularity."

Rolling Stone Stresses Fairness, Balance, Debate, Conversation in New Issue

Rolling Stone, one of the few bastions of integrity and fairness in the print world, has chosen to profile global warming and the environment in its latest issue. But instead of pointing fingers and name calling, Rolling Stone, as it does in all its features, promises a balanced panel of experts from both sides to debate this hot button issue. One which weighs as heavy as the mountains of snow that have fallen during this brutally cold global winter.

Global Warming. These two words have been weighing heavily on the minds of all Americans for years. Two years to be exact, since the non-profit Pew Foundation only started including it in its poll questions in 2007. In 2009's poll of America's concerns, global warming was listed as a "top priority" by a whopping 30% of respondents. In fact, global warming weighed so heavily on the minds of voters that it finished only behind the economy, jobs, terrorism,social security, education, energy, medicare, health care, deficit reduction, health insurance, helping the poor, crime, moral decline, military, tax cuts, environment, immigration, lobbyists, trade policy and Lady Gaga's penis.

Rolling Stone, seizing on the huge popularity of global warming, features two separate articles on the subject. The first is a massive overview of global warming named "As the World Burns." While at first glance this would seem like a rather inflammatory title that makes it sound like Rolling Stone is taking sides on the issue. However, the title is obviously just pointing out how incredibly hot the debate is right now. Because no one at Rolling Stone has any actual scientific background and since "As the World Burns" author Jeff Goodell has no real authority other than his opinion, Rolling Stone would never make such a claim for, or against Global Warming. Article author Jeff Goodell uses clear, calm, evenhanded language throughout and never whines, delves into histrionics, or write in an obviously out of character hip writing style in order to appeal to a certain demographic.

The second feature in the newest Rolling Stone is entitled "The Climate Killers." Another seemingly polarizing title, however Rolling Stone has made sure to let its subscribers know that this is actually a typo. The actual title of the piece was "The Climate Killers?"  The feature, written by noted editor and opinion writer Tim Dickinson. But don't worry, no opinions are inserted into this piece. In an effort to maintain neutrality for the article, both Democrats and Republicans are profiled in its list of 17 Climate Killers? Neither side is given any more or less time on any given subject, and the article makes no claim that global warming will destroy all of civilization unless carbon emissions are cut 75% in 10 years.

This type of balanced, civil debate is exactly what is needed for this "hot button" issue and leave it to Rolling Stone to make sure all the sides are heard. The new Rolling Stone is available on news stands now.

The 12 Worst Things To Happen to Music This Decade

Because of the demand for arbitrary lists at the end of the year, The Rolling Scone Blog has given in to blog pressure and prepared a list of the 12 lamest things to happen to music in the past decade.

In no real order...

12.) Self-Aggrandizing Music Blogs
One of the worst developments of the past decade is the proliferation of music blogs on the internet. Now everyone with a 56k modem and an Ipod is a "music expert," mucking up the internet with their opinions and insights, forgetting of course that literally, no one cares. Fortunately most of them die off quickly, as their creators eventually figure out that 6 of the 8 people that visit their sites each day are in fact themselves, checking on their own site meters.

11.) Popular Country Music
The homogenized, sterile world in which country music operates is a world much like the one that exists on the Disney Channel. There is no swearing, no overt sexuality, everyone looks really pretty, and no one ever has a problem that can't be solved by singing about tractors or trucks. Country music has its own magazines, its own award shows, its own producers. There is little interaction between the worlds of rock and country and the results are bland, uninspired music made by talented session musicians.

10.) Awards Shows
Quick! Name the last 4 winners of the coveted Grammy for Artist of the Year. No, the answer isn't U2, U2, U2, U2. Or is it? No one knows, that's the problem, and no one cares. There are plenty of other music awards shows to ignore, like The People's Choice Awards, the MTV Music Video Awards, The Billboard Awards. The only person who seems to care about these awards is Kanye West, who makes it a yearly event to bitch about being snubbed from something. The solution to this problem is to completely ignore it until it goes away.

9.) Pitchfork Becomes Important:
There are so many things wrong with Pitchfork that it's hard to chose just nine, much less only one. Pitchfork's ascension to the top of the indie taste making charts is based primarily on the fact that they are, in fact, assholes. Like an insolent 11 year old, Pitchfork has made its living by needlessly insulting the work of others, unless those "others" happen to make music that no one really wants to listen to. Pitchfork is equivalent to that annoying high school friend who only listened to bands that no one has ever heard of, thus insuring that they could scoff at anyone "still listening to Coheed and Cambria. By basically ignoring 95% of popular music, Pitchfork gives off the impression that they are cool, thus inspiring millions of gullible kids in tight jeans to mindlessly cling to their elitist opinions.

8.) The Continued Death of Rock N Roll
Rock may still be alive in neutered form, that is if you can call Trapt, Breaking Benjamin, and Three Days Grace "rock," but rock n roll has been dead since at last 1992. Guns N' Roses may still be around, but even them, rock n roll's last bastion of hope, now, sadly, sucks. Bands like Coheed and Cambria, Queens of the Stone Age, White Stripes, Ash, My Chemical Romance and the Foo Fighters continue to rock in various forms, but the bluesy take no prisoners rock n roll attitude of Zeppelin, GNR and AC/DC is long since gone.

7.) The Rise of Indie Rock
Indie rock, which towards the end of the decade finally supplanted emo as the "rock" genre of choice, is a way to inclusive genre that includes virtually every band in the world. The biggest problem with indie rock is that it just doesn't rock. There are plenty of good indie bands in the world, but as the leading flag bearer of the rock movement, they are woefully unprepared. The charts are completely dominated by rap and R&B leaving almost no space for rock. Indie rock, whose biggest bands are based almost exclusively on hype generated by Pitchfork and Rolling Stone, just can't drum up more than cursory interest.

6.) Rolling Stone's Lists
Jack White being #11 on Rolling Stone's top 100 guitarists. Edward Van Halen, who basically invented modern guitar playing is tucked up in the 70's. A blatant disregard for anything from the 70's and 80's has  
become Rolling Stone's MO. Metal doesn't even exist in the world of Rolling Stone, and that is painfully obvious by looking at their exclusive lists.

5.) Rolling Stone: The Magazine
This is the same magazine who gave Black Sabbath's Paranoid 1 star and trashed Led Zeppelin's early work. Their continued existence is one of the biggest mysteries of the music world. They continually miss the boat on new trends whilst suckling the teat of the old guard, passing out 5-star reviews to U2 and Mick Jagger's vastly uninspired work.


4.) All Music Sucks
Obviously all music doesn't suck. But really, music sucks these days. Lady Gaga is probably the most interesting artist of the past year. Radiohead now sucks. Outkast doesn't even exist in any real form. Coheed's last album was a disappointment. Ash isn't releasing any new albums and Stevie Ray Vaughn is still dead. Nickelback remains a viable musical entity. Creed reunited. Ke$ha has the #1 song in the world. Prince is a Mormon. The list could go on and on... but it won't.


3.) Led Zeppelin Reunited
Obviously this isn't a bad thing, in fact if that was the whole story it would be the greatest thing to happen to music since the electric guitar. Unfortunately the rest of the caption should read: Led Zeppelin Reunited... For One Show. God forbid they should embark on a world tour and let all their hundreds of millions of fans a chance to see them.


2.) Rolling Scone Remains Undiscovered
Somehow, despite the constant evidence to the contrary, Rolling Scone isn't the most popular blog on the internet. Despite millions and millions of incredible articles and opinions, our work remains as un-viewed as a Whoopi Goldberg porno. If there was a God then Pitchfork would be struck down and everyone would love Rolling Scone instead. Unfortunately that means that there is no God. Sorry to break the news.

1.) The Death of a Bunch of Good Musicians
Michael Jackson, Layne Staley, George Harrison, Rick James... just to name a few of the people that died. Although most of them were well past their musical primes and thus virtually useless, its still sad. Unless you hated their bands, or looked down on child molestation. Then it was a pretty good decade for everyone, except for fans of music.

Rolling Stone: New Panel Consisting of Radiohead Names Radiohead Best Artist of the Decade

In a new exclusive poll from Rolling Stone magazine, the band Radiohead has named the band Radiohead as the band of the decade.

The new Rolling Stone magazine details the best albums, artists and songs of the decade by polling a panel of different artists and industry insiders. A panel consisting of the band Radiohead was polled to determine the best artist of the decade. Radiohead chose the band Radiohead as their first choice, coming in second was Thom Yorke as a solo artist and then Johnny Greenwood as a solo artist. Gnarls Barkley was chosen to pick the best song of the decade; which turned out to be Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." Thom Yorke, lead singer of Radiohead picked the best LP of the decade, Radiohead's Kid A.

Kanye West decided that all of his own albums would be on the top 100, even the critically mixed 808's and Heartbreak. "I am the genius voice of a generation. All my albums should be treated as equal masterpieces."

The new Rolling Stone also features pitchfork aping album reviews, insane Liberal political commentary by Matt Taibbi and tasteful photos of  17 year old Taylor Lautner sans clothes.

REVIEW: Muse - The Resistance

MUSE - THE RESISTANCE
Quick Take: Muse ups the classical influences, but still finds room to rock.

Best Track(s): Guiding Light, Resistance

If you’re listening to the new Muse album “The Resistance,” chances are you’re not a regular Pitchfork reader. In fact if you find yourself enjoying skillful instrumental interplay that adorns the early troika of songs (“Uprising”, “Resistance”, “Undisclosed Desires,”) opening the album, you may in fact be one of the increasingly scarce fans of MUSIC. That’s music as in big bold, multi-tracked guitars, bass lines that scamper from the first frets of E to the heights of G, drums that confound the senses, pianos with endless octaves and strings, STRINGS, STRINGS everywhere. You don’t listen to music for introspective lyrics; in fact you probably don’t even listen to the verses. You’re just in it for those fist pumping choruses, full of we(s) and us(s) and resistance(s) and uprising(s) never break us(s). These are the things you crave in your MUSIC, and fortunately for you, Muse is about to tickle your fancy (if that’s your sort of thing read on.)

If you made it past the first 15 seconds of the opener “Uprising” you will probably be absolutely in love the rest of the album… Actually scratch that, if you were able to look at the track listing and a three part orchestral piece called “Exogenesis: Orchestra” didn’t cause you to either a) vomit or b) stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and hum the latest Grizzly Bear album for the next 15 minutes you will probably be absolutely in LOVE with the rest of the album. Muse lives in a black and white world and you’re either with us, or against us.

“The Resistance,” is the fifth studio album from the worlds first and only space-prog-rock-opera-wtf band. If you’re still reading this review, you probably are a Muse fan, otherwise you’d be reading this review on PITCHFORK or ROLLING STONE and you would probably be smirking while reading the slightly derogatory, better than thou review which of course will be giving the album between 2.5 and 3 stars and then flipping (or browsing) to the breaking news that says “omg Pavement is getting back together!...” the 2.5 to 3 stars that is just enough to placate the fans, but not high enough to turn off all the cool kids who hate Muse from thinking that said magazine is losing its edge.

Alright, now that we’ve dispensed with the haters, what’s next? Oh, the music. OK, think of “Black Holes and Revelations,” now blow that up by about 15, ramp up the classical music influences by 10, multiply the insanity of Matt Bellamy by 9.6, end with a three part symphony and ta-da! new Muse. The music itself is impossible to quantify on its own, either you know what Muse sounds like or you don’t. What started as a sort of quasi-Radiohead sound has now fused with Beethoven, Gershwin and Queen and then sautéed with Spinal Tap, these songs go up to 11, (or 12… or 13). Each successive album has increased the intensity, and theatrics. In comparison, "Showbiz" and "Origin of Symmetry" sounds like exhibitions of restraint. Even “Absolution” and “Revelations” had their downtime, a break or two in the insanity and a chance to cleanse your aural palate. No dice here; “The Resistance,” keeps on hitting. It actually can become overwhelming in some places if you try and listen to things individually. In these instances don’t panic, just let the waves of sound pummel you until the song ends.

Uprising begins the album in the album in the usual Muse fashion. A left cross to the face, a synth line that could have been lifted from Nightmare on Elm Street, with a shout along chorus, and a killer bass line. Resistance finds them in their most familiar state of play, a la “Revelations'” Starlight and Invincible. Undisclosed Desires finds them in Depeche Mode territory, with dancing synth lines and a drum machine beat. Guiding Light, the best song on the album builds slowly, with shimmering synths, a killer 3 second guitar solo until it builds up enough emotion for one more breaking chorus. MK Ultra is a driving rock song dressed up with octave jumping synths. The United States of Eurasia, is a song that cannot possibly be described in words, but be prepared for a chorus from an off-Broadway play, a soothing piano solo, echoes of Rush’s 2112 and a instrumental break that sounds like it was lifted from Final Fantasy. As the album progresses the songs get grander, more complicated, culminating in the three part Exogenesis Orchestra. If that wasn’t enough, Bellamy also sings in French.

What binds the songs together throughout the album (besides their extravagance,) is Muse's willingness to sound like nothing else in music, and the incredible dexterity and skill of the three main players. Matthew Bellamy, who handles vocals, guitar and piano may be the most talented triple threat in popular music. He also may be one of the most grandiose and over the top, but he never operates in guitar hero territory, he sticks to indelible production, which adds big shiny lairs of sound to every track. Strings are everywhere, and his guitar takes a backseat to his voice. Bellamy may take most of the credit for the sound but Christopher Wolstenholme’s bass cannot be ignored. Previously it could be heard as the centerpiece for songs like Muscle Museum and Hysteria. For “The Resistance” it occupies a slightly lower place in the mix, but his mix of boogie and drive is still integral to the sound and just sounds awesome on songs like Resistance and MK Ultra. Drummer Dominic Howard tends to get lost in the space opera, but his drumming is the perfect kind of backing for this type of music and propels the music perfectly. He locks in perfectly with Wolsetnholme to add the punishing riffs that bring the band its heavy sound. But when necessary he can provide the funky dance beats (I Belong to You), in the rare time that Muse comes down from their usual dominion in the dark matter.

“The Resistance” is an excellent album from end to end, and although its not quite as revolutionary as “Blackholes and Revelations” or as driving and urgent as “Absolution,” it still represents another step in the evolution the band. It has to be noted that the sound hasn’t strayed too far from the driving bass, neo classical piano and tremolo guitar solo ground work which was laid out on the very first song on their 1999 debut, “Showbiz’s” Sunburn. But while the sound may be technically similar, but “The Resistance” relies on its classical roots over the hard charging rock of their past.

Muse isn’t for everyone, this I fully understand and have accepted. You either like them or you don’t, and the sound isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Because of that I am prepared to offer two completely different ratings: one for the Muse fans, and the other for the assholes that have no idea what good music sounds like and probably listen to Pavement, and are dumb.

Verdict:
(For Muse Fans and Smart Good Looking People): B+
(Pavement and Pitchfork Fans): C-

Supergroups to Collaborate on New Album

From the RollingScone Heavenly bureau.

Heaven's #1 supergroup, "The Nirvana's" - which features Jimi Hendrix and Jesus on guitar, Jeff Buckley on vocals, Geddy Lee on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Beethoven on piano and Louie Armstrong on trumpet - has decided to collaborate with Hell's #1 supergroup, "Led Zeppelin II" on a brand new triple LP which will contain a disc from both bands and a third that combines the talents of both bands. "Led Zeppelin II's" lead singer Freddie Mercury said that it was "awesome" to finally work with Jesus and that the new album certainly is the best he's been a part of since "A Night at the Opera." The other members of Led Zeppelin II, which includes John Bonham on drums, Kurt Cobain and Randy Rhoads on guitar, Adolf Hitler on bass and The Devil on fiddle, agree that it was an honor to work with a guitar player of Jesus' caliber. "He's just otherwordly with the things he can do with a guitar," Randy Rhoads said in an interview with the Scone. "His third and fourth hands really opens up a whole new world of possibilities."

The two supergroups had tried to collaborate in the past but Led Zeppelin II's manager and fiddlist, the Devil, said that it was a violation of their contract. However, he softened his stance after God decided that he would agree to release Abaddon the Destroyer from the void 200 years earlier than originally foretold.

The album - which orginally was to be entitled "Revelation and Revolution: an Odyssey of Heaven and Hell, as Told to the Saints of Rock and Roll" - has been renamed "Stairway to Heaven" in honor of God's favorite song. The albums release is scheduled to celebrate the week before the apocalypse and will be out December 25th, 2011.


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Early snippets from the album have already leaked onto the outernet and have the music otherworld buzzing.

Pitchfork: Although the Hell disc shows promise, the Heaven disc features way too much guitar noodling by Jesus, and does every song have to be over 7 minutes long? Jesus may be able to raise Lazarus from the dead, but not even He can bring back prog rock.

Rolling Stone: Good, not great. 3 stars from the early demos.

Spin: Love the Trumpet, Louie Armstrong has never played better. Being dead is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kerrang!: The sickest guitar solo's, the greatest bass solo's, the hardest drum solo's. The only thing that could make this 3-LP set better would be if Jesus himself played a raging 20 minute guitar solo backed up by a heavenly choir; oh wait he does."
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Exclusive Look at How Rolling Stone Rates Albums

Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.

Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.

If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star