Tiger Woods Finally Back in the Headlines

It's Tiger, Tiger Woods ya'll!

For all of you out there going through withdrawal from a lack of Eldrick "Tiger" Woods in the headlines. Don't worry, you're about to get what you can't live without. Tiger is back and he's all over the front page.

Yesterday, a new report from the Associated Press has revealed that Tiger Woods is home from sex rehab and once again getting into golf shape. Although there is no timetable for Tiger's return to the PGA, this latest report may add to the rumors that he will play in the Masters, April 8th-11th and thus bring balance (and viewers) back to the tour. To get into "golf shape" Tiger Woods will spend the next month drinking Pabst, eating chili-cheese hot dogs, making passes at 16 year old drink girls and smoking between "5 and 12 Cuban Cigars a day."

If that wasn't enough to get your Tiger fix, right on the heels of that story comes this poorly written little piece of comic gold. A self-penned written statement from Tiger Woods' college girlfriend, Irene Folstrom, claiming that he in fact is a great guy who never cheated on her. More specifically, and I quote,

"I’m not naive, but I can say with certainty that he was faithful during the time we dated... Well there was that one time when I found him naked with that cheerleader on the 16th green, but he explained to me that he was just teaching her how to putt. It was weird because they didn't have any clubs, and i noticed he wasn't wearing his lucky golf glove, but I trusted him then and I trust him now."

She goes on to chronicle how she and Tiger would illegally buy alcohol and talk about the future.

"Tiger would put the whiskey bottle to his lips and tell me 'bitch, I'm leavin' you for a white woman,' and I would have to talk him out of it, and then when he would sober up and say 'he wanted to make a larger contribution to society.' Looking back on that I just have to smile because obviously he didn't come through on any of those aspirations. His contributions to society have been to hawk useless products to lower income teens. I don't really know what he was talking about... unless he includes having sex with porn stars making a contribution to society."

Naturally Irene Folstrom is not trying to get rich or famous off of Tiger Woods. How can we be so sure? Because she specifically states it in the first paragraph of the story.

"Tiger Woods was my boyfriend for a year and a half while we were both undergraduates at Stanford. I've never spoken to the press about him; I'm not coming forward now for money or to advance any pathetic showbiz aspirations, but merely to stick up for a friend. I haven't seen Tiger since the late ’90s, but I know who he is at his core because we were together during some of his most formative years and I have ESPN so I was able to watch him over the past ten years, although not in person because he always ignored my phone calls."

Obviously someone so honest and trustworthy would have absolutely not ulterior motives to talk about Tiger Woods in such a good light. Although that 200k that was "placed" in her mailbox, by an "unknown" stranger probably didn't hurt.

Tiger Woods Story Completely Devoid of Any Connection to Music, No Reason To Be Covered by Music Blogs... at All

There is breaking news on the Tiger Woods story. But you will find no such coverage here. If someone is looking for a story on Tiger Woods they should check ESPN, or US Weekly, or one of the literally thousands of blogs that are falling all over themselves to chime in on the debate.

One could easily peruse websites and blogs like:
http://web.tigerwoods.com/news/article/200912117801012/news/,
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=4744216,
http://www.tmz.com/category/tiger-woods/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232544/Tiger-Woods-Jaimee-Grubbs-Kalika-Moquin-named-mistresses.html

to find all they need to know about the Tiger Woods story. Why coming to a blog like This Blog Goes to 11 would be as pointless as marrying Tiger Woods and expecting him to be faithful.

Why should a curious web surfer check a different blog? Because a music blog like the Rolling Scone has no reason to cover such a story as it has nothing to do with music or radio or anything even remotely close to something that could reasonably be blogged about by this esteemed blog or its parent company This Blog Goes to 11. 

 The only sniff of music involved in the Tiger Woods case would be his first mistress Jamie Grubbs, who appeared on the cable show "Tool Academy." "Tool Academy" of course was broadcast on VH1. The same VH1 which now exclusively runs programming that deals with "celebreality" and pointless lists, was rumored to show music videos. However making the leap from Tiger Woods to Jamie Grubbs to something that could be covered by a musically exclusive blog would go against all the blogging rules of etiquette and would never be tolerated in the blogosphere community.

Sure Tiger Woods is a sycophantic liar who only cares about his career and has abandoned his wife and kids to have a few dozen affairs with women not as hot as his wife, and his possible involvement with steroids only invites more criticism. However, this doesn't mean he's fair game for just any blogger to criticize. Only bloggers qualified in entertainment, law, sports, marriage, family, golf, sex, women, men, grass, arcitechture, gatorade, iron, wood, CBS, business, African-American issues, Asian interests or scandals should venture forth their opinion on the matter.

Needless to say Rolling Scone and This Blog Goes to 11 would never think of stooping to those depths stooped by less prestigious blogs. Rest assured you will NEVER see any coverage of the Tiger Woods story on these hallowed walls.

The Eyes of Seacrest, Pt 1.

I don't remember what day it is.

I've been listening to Kiss 96.1 for the past three weeks. No breaks, no silence, only the sounds of the Kiss Freak Show in the morning, Tall Cathy from 10 to 1... I can't remember who comes on after that. Some incompetent jackass. It's all the same... all the same. 

Who am I?


The inane babbling. If i hear one more mention of the word freak show I'm going to take my own life and the lives of thousands of other innocent people. The incompetent disc jockeying, if Bubba interrupts the ending of another song with his shitty singing I'm going to rip my eyes out of my head. The incredibly stupid celebrity gossip. Who cares... WHO CARES!!! NO ONE CARES TALL CATHY, NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT VH1 SLUT TIGER WOODS WAS BANGING.


I'm okay...


I've heard Bad Romance three hundred and twenty six times... today. Brittney Spears singing about threesomes and orgies has lost all of its meaning. I can't tell if this song is Rhianna, Beyonce or Keisha. I don' think it matters. 


...


I can't stop thinking about which celebrities I'd like to interview. I bet Matthew Fox has a lot of interesting things to say. I'd really like to get inside the mind of Sharon Osbourne...


I wonder what Adam Lambert is up to since his racy AMA performance? Probably something extremely interesting and relevant to our nation.


Kiss 96.1 has been playing for one whole month straight.


...


What am I becoming? I'm... changing...


My hair has begun to change colors. My tips have become frosted. My hair has begun to stand up in a spiky yet tousled style that exudes both smug self satisfaction and rebel without a comb.


...


Kiss 96.1 is still on, I can't even hear it anymore, my mind has been overwhelmed by the Tiger Woods scandal, Jersey Shore, celebrity sex tapes, who John Mayer is sleeping with. It's all too much. 


I've been overwhelemed by a feeling... For the past two weeks it has slowly engulfed me...I can't fight it anymore... I want to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! No, I have to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! Where can I find a celebrity so pathetic and irrelevent that they will gladly give up their entire lives for my flim crew... I don't know if any Hollywood celebrity would ever sink so low, but I have to try...


I have another great idea for a show... I have to get together with Paris Hilton, she's the only one smart and talented enough to help me realize my dreams...

I have to host a show on E! I have to have a syndicated radio show thats broadcast across America.


My old self is dead. I am no longer the man I used to be.



...

I know who I am... I know what I have become... It all makes sense now.

  
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I AM RYAN SEACREST!




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SEACREST OUT!