A Brief History of the RollingScone, part deux.

A Brief History of the Scone, part 1.


The not as early, but still pretty early in the big picture days:

From 1723-1776 the Scone of London, as it was renamed following the murder of Lord Abernathy II, was no longer issued in any print format and simply lay fallow as merely an intellectual property. When Lord Abernathy was shanked by James Cromwell in the Dining Hall of London's Earls Court Debtors Prison, his last words were "Give the Scone to my Son Greg...," Which of course was amended to "Give the Scone to my sun, who warms all of England, the great and gregarious King George II." The Scone, whose value was appraised at 1/100,000th of a pence was then in 1745 given to the King's favorite whore, Lady Marmalade, as a tip after a particularly fulfilling night of sex and beatings. Lady Marmalade, then moved to France, taking the handkerchief the Scone's title was scribbled on to Paris.

In 1776, the Lady Marmalade of the Lebelle Whore House of Paris was visited by a particularly drunk Benjamin Franklin, who was in France at the time lobbying for French help against the British in the American Revolution. Franklin, had been a regular at the Lebelle Whore House since his first visit in 1767, paid for his usual 3 prostitutes, a bottle of courvoisier and 4 french maid outfits. However, upon payment, Lady Marmalade discovered she was out of change, and offered Franklin the title for the Scone Le Rolling in lieu of the 12 cents she owed. Franklin, who was already drunk off his ass, and a noted newspaper enthusiast agreed.

Franklin, awoke naked, save for a lone hankie, in the middle of a back alley in the French Whore district. Remembering nothing of the night before, he used the handkerchief to cover himself and set off back to America, bearing both French support for the American Independence movement, and much more historically important, the title for Scone Le Rolling.

Upon arriving in America, Franklin immediately put on hold his duties to the fledgling American Nation and instead began work on what he would later call his greatest accomplishment, resurrecting the RollingScone. Settling in Philadephia, Franklin assembled a crack team of local hot shot writers including music editor Albert Scott, reviewer Clem Washington, whorehouse correspondent Brian Braun and Jozef Staggerwood, who wrote the infamous "stupid things the British think are good but really are stupid" section. By Franklin's death in 1790 the Scone was already the 3rd most popular local music interest bi-weekly pamphlet, trailing only the Kazoo Times and Popular Slave Songs. From 1790-1800, the Scone grew into the most popular music gazette in Pennsylvania. In a completely unrelated matter, mysterious fires destroyed the offices of Kazoo Times, Popular Slave Songs, Lynchin' Music Monthly, Star Spangler, The Whipping Post, Free World Daily, EuroSymphonyXpress, Daily Mail, Pennsylvania Gazette, Times of London and Rolling Muffin.

In 1801, the entire staff of the Rolling Scone was convicted of 10 counts of arson and 34 counts of murder and hung in the most popular public execution in Pennsylvania history. Thus plunging the greatest musically based magazine in the history of the Western Hemisphere into a cliffhanger worthy of ...



Next Time on the Scone. Part III: Revenge of the Scone!