Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.
The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.
1 comment:
not receiving stimulus funds will have adverse effects on the colombian economy, but the bailout will also give an axl rose an unfair disadvantage on other gross dudes with long blond hair, like Bret Michaels.
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