Tiger Woods Finally Back in the Headlines

It's Tiger, Tiger Woods ya'll!

For all of you out there going through withdrawal from a lack of Eldrick "Tiger" Woods in the headlines. Don't worry, you're about to get what you can't live without. Tiger is back and he's all over the front page.

Yesterday, a new report from the Associated Press has revealed that Tiger Woods is home from sex rehab and once again getting into golf shape. Although there is no timetable for Tiger's return to the PGA, this latest report may add to the rumors that he will play in the Masters, April 8th-11th and thus bring balance (and viewers) back to the tour. To get into "golf shape" Tiger Woods will spend the next month drinking Pabst, eating chili-cheese hot dogs, making passes at 16 year old drink girls and smoking between "5 and 12 Cuban Cigars a day."

If that wasn't enough to get your Tiger fix, right on the heels of that story comes this poorly written little piece of comic gold. A self-penned written statement from Tiger Woods' college girlfriend, Irene Folstrom, claiming that he in fact is a great guy who never cheated on her. More specifically, and I quote,

"I’m not naive, but I can say with certainty that he was faithful during the time we dated... Well there was that one time when I found him naked with that cheerleader on the 16th green, but he explained to me that he was just teaching her how to putt. It was weird because they didn't have any clubs, and i noticed he wasn't wearing his lucky golf glove, but I trusted him then and I trust him now."

She goes on to chronicle how she and Tiger would illegally buy alcohol and talk about the future.

"Tiger would put the whiskey bottle to his lips and tell me 'bitch, I'm leavin' you for a white woman,' and I would have to talk him out of it, and then when he would sober up and say 'he wanted to make a larger contribution to society.' Looking back on that I just have to smile because obviously he didn't come through on any of those aspirations. His contributions to society have been to hawk useless products to lower income teens. I don't really know what he was talking about... unless he includes having sex with porn stars making a contribution to society."

Naturally Irene Folstrom is not trying to get rich or famous off of Tiger Woods. How can we be so sure? Because she specifically states it in the first paragraph of the story.

"Tiger Woods was my boyfriend for a year and a half while we were both undergraduates at Stanford. I've never spoken to the press about him; I'm not coming forward now for money or to advance any pathetic showbiz aspirations, but merely to stick up for a friend. I haven't seen Tiger since the late ’90s, but I know who he is at his core because we were together during some of his most formative years and I have ESPN so I was able to watch him over the past ten years, although not in person because he always ignored my phone calls."

Obviously someone so honest and trustworthy would have absolutely not ulterior motives to talk about Tiger Woods in such a good light. Although that 200k that was "placed" in her mailbox, by an "unknown" stranger probably didn't hurt.