Fall Out Boy Facebook Face-off Fallout!

BREAKING...

IN A FACEBOOK SHOWDOWN, THE "FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER: 5,000,000 STRONG" GROUP HAS REACHED THE 5,000,000 MARK BEFORE THE "I <3 FALL OUT BOY, FIRST TO 5,000,000!" GROUP. THE FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER GROUP REACHED THE 5,000,000 PLATEAU ON THE BACK OF ITS NEWEST MEMBER, JASON REIS. THE I <3 FALL OUT BOY GROUP HAD BEEN STUCK ON THE 4.8 MILLION MARK FOR THE PAST WEEK AS NEW MEMBERSHIP DROPPED TO -1.2% THIS PAST QUARTER. THIS NEWS HAS HIT THE IMPETUOUSLY CATCHY ROCK GROUP HARD AND REPORTS FROM GROUP LEADER PETE WENTZ-SIMPSON IS THAT THE BAND WILL DISSOLVE BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

Supergroups to Collaborate on New Album

From the RollingScone Heavenly bureau.

Heaven's #1 supergroup, "The Nirvana's" - which features Jimi Hendrix and Jesus on guitar, Jeff Buckley on vocals, Geddy Lee on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Beethoven on piano and Louie Armstrong on trumpet - has decided to collaborate with Hell's #1 supergroup, "Led Zeppelin II" on a brand new triple LP which will contain a disc from both bands and a third that combines the talents of both bands. "Led Zeppelin II's" lead singer Freddie Mercury said that it was "awesome" to finally work with Jesus and that the new album certainly is the best he's been a part of since "A Night at the Opera." The other members of Led Zeppelin II, which includes John Bonham on drums, Kurt Cobain and Randy Rhoads on guitar, Adolf Hitler on bass and The Devil on fiddle, agree that it was an honor to work with a guitar player of Jesus' caliber. "He's just otherwordly with the things he can do with a guitar," Randy Rhoads said in an interview with the Scone. "His third and fourth hands really opens up a whole new world of possibilities."

The two supergroups had tried to collaborate in the past but Led Zeppelin II's manager and fiddlist, the Devil, said that it was a violation of their contract. However, he softened his stance after God decided that he would agree to release Abaddon the Destroyer from the void 200 years earlier than originally foretold.

The album - which orginally was to be entitled "Revelation and Revolution: an Odyssey of Heaven and Hell, as Told to the Saints of Rock and Roll" - has been renamed "Stairway to Heaven" in honor of God's favorite song. The albums release is scheduled to celebrate the week before the apocalypse and will be out December 25th, 2011.


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Early snippets from the album have already leaked onto the outernet and have the music otherworld buzzing.

Pitchfork: Although the Hell disc shows promise, the Heaven disc features way too much guitar noodling by Jesus, and does every song have to be over 7 minutes long? Jesus may be able to raise Lazarus from the dead, but not even He can bring back prog rock.

Rolling Stone: Good, not great. 3 stars from the early demos.

Spin: Love the Trumpet, Louie Armstrong has never played better. Being dead is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kerrang!: The sickest guitar solo's, the greatest bass solo's, the hardest drum solo's. The only thing that could make this 3-LP set better would be if Jesus himself played a raging 20 minute guitar solo backed up by a heavenly choir; oh wait he does."
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RollingScone, a brief history pt.1

Today on The Scone: Part one of a four part series that chronicles the unabridged, unedited, and completely untruthful history of the worlds greatest internet music blog.

The Early Days:
Founded by London noble Lord Abernathy in 1683 as a monthly periodical, the early Scone featured musings on a variety of topics like the apointment of Henry Purcell as keeper of the king's instruments at Chapel Royal and reviews of the latest popular operas (John Blow's Venus and Adonis is given the Scone's first 2-star review.) In its inaugural year the Scone had 3 columnists, 1 music critic, and one satirist.

The first controversy at the Scone was over satirist James Purcell's critique of King Charles II falling asleep at an opera. The piece was entitled "King Charles: a lazy boob, or just mentally challenged?" Purcell was sentenced to death by hanging in the month of December after a 12 minute trial found him guilty of treason. However the controversy increased the circulation tenfold and by 1686 the Scone was the most popular monthly in Britain. Unfortunately as rock music had not been invented yet, 99% of the reviews were 1-star, and most were puncuated by complaints of "not enough guitar solos." The lack of interest in the music scene led to a five year hiatus by the scone from 1687-1692 due to Lord Abernathy's addiction to opiates.

When the scone returned in 1693 it remained for the next hundred years as a yearly 50 page book, which dropped any hint of satire and humor and instead simply reviewed every major classical and operatic piece of each year. Pieces from Bach and Vivaldi were savaged with 1 and 2 star reviews and in the hundred years only Beethoven and Mozart managed to impress the editors and writers at the scone enough to get a 3 star review. Lord Abernathy II who had taken over for his father in 1712, after Lord Abernathy I had contracted gangrene from a paper cut he had recieved from the 10 year anniversary issue, had been losing 30,000 pounds per year as circulation had dropped to less than 6 people. Lord Abernathy II eventually closed the Scone, as he was arrested and placed in a debtors prison in 1723. There he was shanked by a fellow prisoner over a crust of bread. After this the scone languished in obscurity, until a chance encounter in Philadelphia in 1776.

Old Crow Medicine Show 5/22/09

Yeah, does Alison Krauss play the fiddle like that? I think not.


Old Crow Medicine Show at Carnegie Library of Homestead

Friday, May 22 2009

“What kind of music do you like?” “Everything except country and/or rap.” Well, hypothetical rock fan, you shouldn't be so hasty to scorn country-ish things. The Scone likes its rock, its big guitars and technical skill. That’s fine, that’s sometimes the best kind of music -- but let’s make room for some hot fiddle licks. There’s plenty of room in the big book of bands that rock for Old Crow Medicine Show, even if they contain an instrument you have never heard of (that would the guitjo, or banjitar if you prefer. It’s what is says on the tin, a hybrid of banjo and guitar.) At just about every show they’ve played in their 11 years together, Old Crow proves that you can rock hard, even if you’re playing a song about cocaine from the 1920s. But they’re not just some novelty, nostalgia old time band, these days they lean more towards the original tunes than the fiddle scorchers of yore. Their ’08 album, “Tennessee Pusher” poked its toe into some post-WWII influences and even has the occasional drums and organ! But at the show, Old Crow gave the audience a healthy mix of old tunes, covers, stuff from their “first” album, and plenty from “Tennessee Pusher.” Highlights were the blistering love scorned “Fall on my Knees”, the slow, atmospheric drug dealer song, “Tennessee Pusher” and the obligatory playing of “Wagon Wheel” which is the band’s frat-happy crossover hit. It’s a great song, but maybe not their best, and the audience members yelling for it were obnoxious and oblivious. (Ladies and gents, they play it every show, they’re gonna play it, just wait in the lobby if that’s all you came for.)

The sound at Homestead Library is phenomenally clear, (though this reviewer was admittedly at front row center, so perhaps I’m a little biased in the venue’s favor) and the place is small, (about 1100 capacity?) but beautiful. The audience sat in Pittsburgh awkwardness for a few hot opening tunes, (one of the downsides of a venue with seats) then guitar player/vocalist Willie Watson urged the audience to get dancing, and they seemed more than happy to.

With plenty of onstage banter, and Pittsburgh pandering, the band was in great spirits (better than in Columbus in January. Take that, Ohio!) Their energy was through the roof, with Willie Watson running in circles and twitching, fiddle player Ketch Secor fraying bow hairs and sending rosin dust into the air, or wailing on the harmonica. All of them except guitjo player Kevin Hayes, and bassist Morgin Jahnig switch instruments. Ketch Secor’s classic country voice (not “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” country) harmonizes well with Willie Watson’s vocals, which are more straight from the holler than a man from upstate New York has a right to sound.

But rock fans are still rolling their eyes perhaps, picturing a hick ho-down or the occasionally soulless technical proficiency of bluegrass. But this isn’t Alison Krause (no offense to her), and Old Crow is not the top of the technical heap in instrumentation. They’re more old time than bluegrass, and the former is usually more sloppy and reckless, without all the polished solos of the latter. So, it’s not rock, and they’re not even the Slash of bluegrass, so who likes this stuff? Well, douchebag modern country fans sometimes come for “Wagon Wheel.” But ignore them and their incessant yelling. This punk fan fell in love with the band because of they dig up and polish off ancient, dusty songs from way back, that nobody under 70 is likely to hear or seek out anymore; they’re great lyricists and singers, their instrumentation is solid as hell, but most of all their fiery, endless enthusiasm is what makes me listen over and over. They play fast and dirty, but it sounds great. They’re the punks of bluegrass. Drop that bias against anything southern-flavored. Their studio albums are great, but the live shows will knock you on your ass as much as any rock and roll.

Exclusive Look at How Rolling Stone Rates Albums

Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.

Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.

If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star

This Week's Top Stories!

Rush to go back in time to kill selves in order to grace cover of Rolling Stone, become critical darlings.
Rush, ignored by Rolling Stone Magazine for the past 40 years, has decided to go back in time using Doc Brown's DeLorean in order to kill themselves just after their epic album 2112 in order to earn themselves an opportunity to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. By killing themselves at the height of their artistic output they guarantee at least 4 Rolling Stone covers, a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and inclusions on critics "greatest of" lists.

Scott Stapp escapes from Hell, returns to earth to collect 10,000,000 souls.
Scott Stapp, who was bound by rock and sent to hell by Dave Grohl and Jack Black in 2002, has escaped from his prison at the 12th circle of hell and has returned to the earth in order to collect souls in order to ressurect the "band" Creed and cast the earth back into darkness.

Michigan man puts Fleet Foxes album on Ipod in order to keep up appearances.
Billy Kemp of Lansing Michigan has put the latest self titeld Fleet Foxes album on his Ipod just to keep up the appearance that he listens to new hip music, in order to impress his indie friends if they happen to check his playlist. Nestled between Flava Flav and Flickerstick, Fleet Foxes currently boasts 0 plays. Although Mr. Kemp can't name any of their songs, he says that "just having them on my playlist has impressed three people and possibly gotten me a date for Friday with that cute girl from the local indpendent coffee shop.

Rough Economy Shutters Kazoo World Magazine; Hits Kazoo Industry Hard

The Kazoo industry, once seen as the unbreakable link in the musical instrument industry, received more bad news as the rough global economy has forced the venerable Kazoo World Magazine, offshoot of the more successful Guitar World Magazine, to shut down its printing presses and close its doors forever. Kazoo World Magazine follows in the footsteps of Kazoo Aficionado, Kazoo Woman's Journal, Kazoo Weekly, Kazoo Bi-Weekly, and Metal Kazoo magazine as the latest casualties of slumping kazoo sales. With these latest closings, only the prestigious 200 year old Kazooist Quarterly remains in the red.

Recent reports show a 75% drop in retail kazoo sales in the past year after years of double digit sales gains. Kazoo makers like Kazoo's Unlimited and Anderson's Kazoo's have recently asked the government for massive billion dollar loans in order to keep their companies afloat and the kazoo assembly lines running at full capacity. Anderson's Kazoo CEO Richard Watkins has said that the company has about 50 million dollars in reserves but at current projections that will only last til the end of May. If both companies fold Watkins estimates that over 200,000 jobs will be lost in America alone and upwards of 400,000 globally.

Yanni Signs New 6-Year Deal with Guantanamo Bay to Supply Music for Tortures

Yanni, best known for his turgid soft-orchestral elevator muzak has signed a new 6-year deal with Guantanamo Bay his agent reported yesterday. With the new contract Yanni will become the exclusive provider of torture music for the United States until 2015. Yanni will compose between twenty to thirty brand new songs that will be used by soldiers and prison officials at the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay. The songs will be piped in to each prison cell between 11am and 3pm daily in order to soften up the Arab terror suspects. Additionally Yanni's music will be used during all water boarding sessions. Terms of the deal were not disclosed but most analysts put the number in the high seven digits.

Asher Roth Understands White, College-Educated 20-somethings

The fascination of white college students with hip-hop and rap is not new, but rarely has a white college graduate been able to successfully cross-over into the genre. But this is all about to change. Meet Asher Roth.

Asher Roth, a 22-year-old from Morrisville, PA, dropped his debut album Asleep in the Bread Aisle on April 20, 2009. The album's tracks have names like "Lark on my Go-Kart," "I Love College," and "Be By Myself," which features Cee-Lo. "I Love College," the album's first single, is a feel-good anthem about drinking, smoking weed, dancing, Thirsty Thursdays, and naked girls. The music is an even mix of real instruments and beats, with guitars on "I Love College" and some keyboard on "Lark" The rhymes are clever and he has a sense of humor about the whole thing, but it's clear that Asher Roth is writing about what he knows in the genre he happens to love. Less psychopath than Eminem, more coherent than the Beastie Boys, Asher Roth has what it takes to overtake his predecessors as the most commercially successful white rapper ever.

Roth's music background is alarmingly unremarkable. He says, "The first CD I ever bought was Dave Matthews Band's Crash...That is how suburban I am...I finally got into hip hop in '98 when I heard the Annie sample with Jay-Z...When I wrote my A Milli freestyle, that was me listening to 10 years of hip hop and not relating to it at all. Like, Damn I don’t sell coke. Damn, I don’t have cars or 25-inch rims. I don't have guns. I finally got to a point where I had the confidence to do this thing myself, and I was making music for me. And it turns out, a lot of people feel the same way I do."

His autobiography on MySpace invites a little more insight into the mind of Asher Roth:

"When I'm not rhyming I find time to purchase rare kindergarten art off ebay. As I was recently enlightened that it portrays the soul in its purest form. On the weekends I like to watch football and dance in celebration of the coming week. I collect business cards purely for prank phone calls and pay my rent by doing BICH Work (Boys In Cougar Homes). My boy Greg Mike and I, both started living by the credo...WWJD. What Would JEEZY Do? More often than not we find ourselves going with answers.."YEEAAHHH" and "HAHAAAA." Ever since I've been living a much more positive lifestyle."

Whatever that means. Listen to his tracks at www.myspace.com/asherroth

Music Transactions for April 2009

A quick brief of the musical transactions from the past month from all the major musical genres.

Pop:
4/03 - Agrees to trade Jessica Simpson and cash to Country for the rights to Chris Gaines.
4/12 - Placed Justin Timberlake on the 3 year disabled list.
4/21 - Agrees to terms with Leona Lewis, 2 years - 21 million dollars.

Country:
4/13 - Agrees to a 4 year - 53 million dollar extension for Taylor Swift.
4/26 - Reassigned Dierks Bentley to the minor leagues.

Rock:
4/21 - Rejected Rap's trade: Lil' Wayne and Fred Durst for Fall Out Boy and Kevin Rudolf

Rap:
4/20 - DMX arraigned on drug charges, will be placed on the PUP list for 5-6 years.
4/25 - Agrees to trade Kanye West to Emo for cash and weed

R&B:
4/2 - Releases R.Kelly
4/3 - Recalled N.E.R.D. from minors

Emo:
4/25: Acquires Kanye West from Rap

Metal:
4/1: Names Metallica captain for upcoming season
4/14: Agrees to 12 year - 100 million dollar contract extension for Mastodon

Classical:
4/2: Names Beethoven to all-decade team
4/9: Folds Operations

Jazz:
No transactions