To: Rolling Stone Staff
From: Janny W.(Your Boss)
Re: New Music Genre's to Keep an Eye On
Hey Guys,
I've been doing a lot of research lately scrounging around the nether-worlds of the music industry and I've come across some new sounds that I think you guys at the Stone should keep an "ear" on. I'm not sure if you guys are up on these things but one new hot genre that I keep hearing the kids talk about is something called "contry." (sp?) Apparently it's pretty big in the South, which I know we don't want to talk or think about but if it may be something to look into. If you could check out Johnny Cash, Hank Williams and Waylon Jennings, those guys seem to the big thing at the moment with those racist southern hicks.
Also there's something called "metal" (met-el) (like the stuff that buildings are made out of). Apparently this type of music features up to 2 guitars, sometimes with fast solo's. Now calm down, I know what you guys are thinking and I assure you that I hate that stuff as much as you. However, if it's going to be popular with the kids I don't want to miss out on it like we did with grunge. If you guys could make sure you check out what the kids are wearing at the malls, (do kids still shop at Sears?) check out the arcades etc. I heard something about a band called Iron Maiden, so do some Internet research and check those guys out if you could.
Thanks a lot guys,
Janny
(PS. keep that Obama love comin', here's some suggestions: Obama's favorite rapper, What's On Obama's Ipod, 100 Greatest things about Obama, How Obama saved the country, Obama; bigger than Jesus.)
(PPS. No more mentions of that 4-stars we gave the Jonas Brothers album. If anyone asks it was a typo.)
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
John Mayer Named "Smug Magazine's" Artist of the Year.
In breaking news, RollingScone has received word that John Mayer has received Smug Magazine's coveted Artist of the Year Award. RollingScone has an exclusive excerpt from Smug's upcoming May issue.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.
The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...
... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
A Brief Look Inside the Mind of J. Steigerwald: RollingScone Creator
Today's feature is a list of the last 66 songs played on Mr. Steigerwald's Ipod.
- Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
- Shotgun Down the Avalanche - Shawn Colvin
- What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy
- Can We Still Be Friends - Todd Rundgren
- Little Wing - Stevie Ray Vaughn
- Casual Affair - Tonic
- Hush - Deep Purple
- Fire Island - Fountains of Wayne
- Lit Up - Buckcherry
- Dancing Through Sunday - AFI
- Oh What a Night - Four Seasons
- West Coast Smoker - Fall Out Boy
- 20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy
- w.a.m.s - Fall Out Boy
- Tiffany Blews - Fall Out Boy
- 27 - Fall Out Boy
- (Coffee's for Closers) - Fall Out Boy
- The Shipped Gold Standard - Fall Out Boy
- Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown - Fall Out Boy
- America's Suitehearts - Fall Out Boy
- She's My Winona - Fall Out Boy
- I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy
- Disloyal Order of Buffaloes - Fall Out Boy
- Running On Empty - Jackson Browne
- Monsters - Matchbook Romance
- The Velorium Camper I: Faint of Heart - Coheed and Cambria
- Bizzare Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
- Move Along - All American Rejects
- Back in the USSR - Beatles
- Raspberry Beret - Prince
- Cancer - My Chemical Romance
- Palace of Excess - Ash
- Afterlife - Avenged Sevenfold
- Rock You Hard - The Dan Band
- Day Job - Gin Blossoms
- Shake It - Metro Station
- Together Forever - Rick Astley
- Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
- Starcrossed - Ash
- Crush - Jennifer Page
- Lady Madonna - Beatles
- Killer Queen - Sum 41
- I Touch Myself - Divinyls
- Pressure - Billy Joel
- Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
- American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
- Chemistry - Semisonic
- Better - Guns N Roses
- The Big Medley - Dream Theater
- The Door - Silverchair
- I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance
- Eternal Life - Jeff Buckley
- Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - Police
- My Favorite Things - Silverchair
- Love Rears It's Ugly Head - Living Colour
- Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
- Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains
- Winning Days - The Vines
- You're My Best Friend - Queen
- Shout it Out Loud - Kiss
- Irish Blood, English Heart - Morrissey
- Fields of Gold - Sting
- Alien Angel - Three
- Take it Off - The Donnas
- Where to Now St. Peter - Elton John
- On Fire -Van Halen
Monday, April 20, 2009
Axl Rose to Recieve 3.4 Billion Dollars in Bailout Funds
Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.
The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.
The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
RollingScone Platinum Post: For Readers Who Make Over 1.4 Billion Dollars Only.
A new feature of RollingScone is its monthly Platinum series, which is a high-class post for readers who make over 1.9 billion dollars yearly, not for our regular slumdog peon readers.
Today on RollingScone: class, class, class! Instead of a segment on that modicum of mediocrity "rock and roll," RollingScone will be moving its focus to New York and the bright shining lights of BROAAADWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! FABULOUS!!!!!
The play in our spotlight today is the new hit, Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Barack Obama Superstar. Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber with music by Mos Def, Barack Obama Superstar looks at the meteoric rise from of Obama, from his virgin birth to his inspiring victory over George W. "Satan" Bush. In a inspired bit of casting the role of Barack Obama will be played by none other than the star of Jesus Christ Superstar I himself, Jesus Christ. In a statement, Jesus Christ said that he is very pleased to be playing the new Savior of the Earth. "I enjoyed being the Savior, but it is obvious that I have been replaced, and I wish nothing but the best for our new Lord and Savior. I hope I can live up to his incredibly high standards."
The play has already sold out its 24 show run with tickets selling for over 20,000 dollars on eBay. Barack Obama himself has prophesied that the show will be a success, however privately he has been heard complaining that he would rather have been portrayed by Will Smith.
Today on RollingScone: class, class, class! Instead of a segment on that modicum of mediocrity "rock and roll," RollingScone will be moving its focus to New York and the bright shining lights of BROAAADWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! FABULOUS!!!!!
The play in our spotlight today is the new hit, Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Barack Obama Superstar. Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber with music by Mos Def, Barack Obama Superstar looks at the meteoric rise from of Obama, from his virgin birth to his inspiring victory over George W. "Satan" Bush. In a inspired bit of casting the role of Barack Obama will be played by none other than the star of Jesus Christ Superstar I himself, Jesus Christ. In a statement, Jesus Christ said that he is very pleased to be playing the new Savior of the Earth. "I enjoyed being the Savior, but it is obvious that I have been replaced, and I wish nothing but the best for our new Lord and Savior. I hope I can live up to his incredibly high standards."
The play has already sold out its 24 show run with tickets selling for over 20,000 dollars on eBay. Barack Obama himself has prophesied that the show will be a success, however privately he has been heard complaining that he would rather have been portrayed by Will Smith.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just an Internet Celebrity
While James Iha is gallivanting around with Taylor Hanson, his former frontman Billy Corgan has been seen wandering around Bravo events with another high-pitched singer who is inexplicably still famous: Myspace's very own Tila Tequila.What. The. Hell.
I don't know what brough these two lovebirds together, or even if they are even together, but I hope that the pictures that have been popping up with these two eventually result in a Smashing Tequila Zwan album of overwrought, trippy duets about biocuriosity, perpetual baldness, and finding fame and relevance on the internet.
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