The end of Thanksgiving marks a special time in America: the official start of the holiday season. In celebrating the holidays, easy listening and oldie stations across America change formats from their regular fare to seasonal favorites, thus assuring that everyone in America will be depressed and suicidal well before the actual Christmas holiday arrives.
In Pittsburgh, stations like 94.5 3WS and 99.7 WISH, have been switched over to their holiday play lists since before Thanksgiving. Local resident and 3WS listener Marianne Stevens professed to enjoying the Christmas favorites for about thirty minutes.
"I was really excited to hear Mariah Carey sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You.' But after they played Little Drummer Boy for the twelfth goddamn time in one day I was officially annoyed as shit."
Statistics show that in cities with two or more radio stations with Christmas programming, homicides rise a cheery 25% in December and suicides go up a jolly 50%.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter
What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.
The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.
According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.
The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.
Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.
Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.
The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.
According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.
The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.
Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.
Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.
Disney Announces New Miley Cyrus Brand Pole
Although it appeared that Disney, the parent owner of the succesful Hannah Montana series, was irked by August's pole dancing performance by Miley during the Teen Choice Awards, it now appears Disney is taking the oppurtunity to capitalize on the mini scandal.
Disney announced today that they will begin selling a "Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana Brand Dancing Pole." Although not specifically marketed as a strippers pole, Disney made sure to let tween consumers know that the pole can be used in the same manner as Miley Cyrus used her pole back in August.
"The new Miley Cyrus Brand Dancing Pole is the next product in the Miley Cyrus consumer goods empire. Now kids of all ages can pole dance just like their hero Miley did on the Teen Choice Awards."
The pole will be marketed towards girls aged 10 to 16. Disney is already purchasing heavy commercial air time and will begin a blitz marketing campaign on its most popular shows like Hannah Montana, That's so Raven, Wizards of Waverly Place, Sonny With a Chance and Jonas.
The product will be sold at retailers such as Toys R' Us, Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sears and cost about 75 dollars.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
RIAA Bans People Who Became Famous Through Visual Media From Releasing Music
The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced today that actors and actresses who achieved fame through roles in television and film would no longer be allowed to release or distribute music through any of its member companies. Member companies of the RIAA distribute more than 85% of all music traded in the United States. The move comes after a noticeable increase in attempts to cross over into the world of music, including Drake, Leighton Meester, Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, and Scarlett Johansson.
According to RIAA spokesperson Lindsay Carmichael, "Now that we've stopped sending out copyright infringement notices, the major problem on our organizational credibility is the so-called music being created by these already famous people. This will help clear our member rosters for people who use auto-tune as an option rather than out of necessity."
When asked if this ban would cover musicians and singers who had attempted to move into acting, Carmichael added, "According to our market research, the real problem is actors trying to make it as singers. Singers and musicians who have effectively made the transition to acting, like Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears, and Mariah Carey, will remain on our member labels. Whether they remain in TV or movies is for SAG [Screen Actors Guild] to worry about."
During the press conference, a reporter from Rolling Scone sister organization Radio Free Suburbia asked Carmichael what this meant for Justin Timberlake, who became famous through the Disney's The Mickey Mouse Club, but later as a singer with 'N Sync and as a solo artist. Carmichael stated that the text of the bylaw included an exception for people who became famous through visual media before their 18th birthday. Unfortunately that means that the rest of us are going to be subjected to even more Miley Cyrus in the future.
According to RIAA spokesperson Lindsay Carmichael, "Now that we've stopped sending out copyright infringement notices, the major problem on our organizational credibility is the so-called music being created by these already famous people. This will help clear our member rosters for people who use auto-tune as an option rather than out of necessity."
When asked if this ban would cover musicians and singers who had attempted to move into acting, Carmichael added, "According to our market research, the real problem is actors trying to make it as singers. Singers and musicians who have effectively made the transition to acting, like Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears, and Mariah Carey, will remain on our member labels. Whether they remain in TV or movies is for SAG [Screen Actors Guild] to worry about."
During the press conference, a reporter from Rolling Scone sister organization Radio Free Suburbia asked Carmichael what this meant for Justin Timberlake, who became famous through the Disney's The Mickey Mouse Club, but later as a singer with 'N Sync and as a solo artist. Carmichael stated that the text of the bylaw included an exception for people who became famous through visual media before their 18th birthday. Unfortunately that means that the rest of us are going to be subjected to even more Miley Cyrus in the future.
Monday, November 16, 2009
9 out of 10 White Ethnic Slurs Prefer New WAMO Format
On September 8th, 2009, WAMO-FM, Pittsburgh's only Mainstream Urban radio station, shuttered its doors forever. The switch to a new format has upset many of Pittsburgh's African-American listeners, who are now without an urban programming outlet.
Currently the station's format is listed as "silent" and is broadcasting fuzz at 37,000 watts.
While many in the urban community are upset, a Rolling Scone poll found that 9 out of 10 white ethnic slurs prefer the new fuzz format to the previous urban one.
ROLLING SCONE ONLINE POLL:
Question 1: What stereotypical ethnic slur best describes you?
Question 2: 106.7 WAMO-FM recently changed its format to "Silent" from "Mainstream Urban." Do you prefer the old "Urban" format or the new "Silent" one?
Results:
Cracker - 93% Silent // 2% Urban // 5% Too White To Care
Redneck - 92% Silent // 1% Urban // 7% Don't Have a Radio
Honky - 89% Silent // 11% Urban
Dago - 86% Silent // 12% Urban // 2% Too Busy Putting Grease In My Hair To Answer Question
Mick - 85% Silent // 5% Urban // 10% Drunk
Pollack - 82% Silent // 9% Urban // 9% Being Invaded by Germany
Whitey - 79% Silent // 1% Urban // 20% Only Listen to Yanni
WASP - 75% Silent // 0% Urban // 25% Moved to Kennebunkport During the Question
Roundeye - 74% Silent // 21% Urban
Wigger - 11% Silent // 85% Urban
Currently the station's format is listed as "silent" and is broadcasting fuzz at 37,000 watts.
While many in the urban community are upset, a Rolling Scone poll found that 9 out of 10 white ethnic slurs prefer the new fuzz format to the previous urban one.
ROLLING SCONE ONLINE POLL:
Question 1: What stereotypical ethnic slur best describes you?
Question 2: 106.7 WAMO-FM recently changed its format to "Silent" from "Mainstream Urban." Do you prefer the old "Urban" format or the new "Silent" one?
Results:
Cracker - 93% Silent // 2% Urban // 5% Too White To Care
Redneck - 92% Silent // 1% Urban // 7% Don't Have a Radio
Honky - 89% Silent // 11% Urban
Dago - 86% Silent // 12% Urban // 2% Too Busy Putting Grease In My Hair To Answer Question
Mick - 85% Silent // 5% Urban // 10% Drunk
Pollack - 82% Silent // 9% Urban // 9% Being Invaded by Germany
Whitey - 79% Silent // 1% Urban // 20% Only Listen to Yanni
WASP - 75% Silent // 0% Urban // 25% Moved to Kennebunkport During the Question
Roundeye - 74% Silent // 21% Urban
Wigger - 11% Silent // 85% Urban
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wynonna Judd the Hutt Disses Taylor Swift after CMA Win
On Wednesday Taylor Swift became the youngest winner ever of the coveted Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award. Being just 19 years old, Swift's win has upset some of the older, more established members of the country music scene.Wynonna Judd the Hutt, the infamous 600 year old head of the Judd family and third cousin of Tatooine gangster Jabba the Hutt, doesn't think that Swift was ready for the honor. Speaking out against Taylor, Wynonna Judd the Hutt expressed her disproval for the win.
"Tah-koh tee womp rat e’nachu Taylor Swift. Ha skrunee da pat Sleemo."
However, once Thursday rolled around the gregarious Wynonna Judd the Hutt took back some of the harsher words that she had leveled at Swift the night before.
"Dopo mee gusha, peedunkey." She said speaking out on her official website. "Kee baatu baat."
Judd the Hutt won over 400 years ago when she herself was only 22 and was one of the youngest winners of the award. This fact led many to believe that it was simply sour grapes that led Judd the Hutt's diss. And as everyone knows Hutt's have notoriously bad dispositions
Monday, November 9, 2009
Mr. Electricity To Crush 105.9 the X Morning Radio Show
Breaking News...
Trouble is brewing on Pittsburgh morning radio. Rolling Scone-Online has learned that Art the former 105.9x intern, aka Mr. Electricity, has his sights set squarely on 105.9's popular morning show featuring Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin. Formerly an intern, Art was able to parlay his success as an intern for Tim Benz into his own online only radio show. Although the show airs at a different hour than the morning show, and only one day a week, it is clear that Mr. Electricity has his eyes on the proverbial morning show prize.
Although any attempts to contact the budding star of the Mr. Electricty Radio Show were rebuffed, Rolling Scone can only assume that Mr. Electricty will become popular enough to eventually move to the 6 to 10am time slot that the X Morning Show currently occupies. Once there he will no doubt stop at nothing to destroy Tim Benz and Bob McLuaghlin and bring their show to ruins. Through his wit, highbrow humor and silver tongue, Art will bring his trademark sound to the new Mr. Electricity show.
Rolling Scone can only hypothesize about Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin's reaction to the news, but our guess is that it is one of pure abject terror. It can be safely deduced that they are both readying their resumes for the job search that they will likely have to undertake once their show is crushed by their former intern.
More details to follow when they become available.
Trouble is brewing on Pittsburgh morning radio. Rolling Scone-Online has learned that Art the former 105.9x intern, aka Mr. Electricity, has his sights set squarely on 105.9's popular morning show featuring Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin. Formerly an intern, Art was able to parlay his success as an intern for Tim Benz into his own online only radio show. Although the show airs at a different hour than the morning show, and only one day a week, it is clear that Mr. Electricity has his eyes on the proverbial morning show prize.
Although any attempts to contact the budding star of the Mr. Electricty Radio Show were rebuffed, Rolling Scone can only assume that Mr. Electricty will become popular enough to eventually move to the 6 to 10am time slot that the X Morning Show currently occupies. Once there he will no doubt stop at nothing to destroy Tim Benz and Bob McLuaghlin and bring their show to ruins. Through his wit, highbrow humor and silver tongue, Art will bring his trademark sound to the new Mr. Electricity show.
Rolling Scone can only hypothesize about Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin's reaction to the news, but our guess is that it is one of pure abject terror. It can be safely deduced that they are both readying their resumes for the job search that they will likely have to undertake once their show is crushed by their former intern.
More details to follow when they become available.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Rihanna on GMA: "I'm ashamed of many things... especially my hairstyle."
Rihanna, appearing on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer, spoke out on a variety of subjects including Chris Brown, her family and her newest hairstyle.Frankly I'm ashamed of how I look right now," Rihanna said amongst tears. "I can't believe this network would allow me to go on a national show with a hairstyle that looks like Star Trek Deep Space 9's Bajoran militia officer Kira Neyrs."
Diane Sawyer, who conducted the interview which will air on both GMA and 20/20, tried to press Rihanna on her past altercations with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown. However, Rihanna was more intent on berating herself for her hair style. An excerpt of the interview follows.
Diane Sawyer: Now, Rihanna. Why did you stay with Chris [Brown] after he continuously beat you?
Rihanna: Diane, If I may I'd like to move away from that kind of subject matter and concentrate on something much more importan; my hairstyle. It's completely ridiculous. Honestly, I bet Justin [Timberlake, her new Boyfriend] is going to dump me as soon as he see's this.
Diane Sawyer: Ok, well I think we've discussed this enough, let's talk about your growing up in Barbados.
Rihanna: I'm just going to stop you right there Diane, I don't think anyone is going to care about the upbringing of a woman with a two-toned pompadour.
Diane Sawyer: Well...
Rihanna: I almost don't even blame Chris for beating me, maybe if he hit me a little bit harder I would have gained some common sense and hired a new hairdresser.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Swine Flu Brings Rolling Scone to a Screeching Halt
The offices of Rolling Scone Online will be temporarily closed due to founder Joseph Steigerwald being stricken with the swine flu. Depending on his subsequent death or recovery, Rolling Scone will either be back up and running shortly or it will be sold to Arab industrialists for pennies on the dollar.
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