The Christmas Spirit

We here at the Rolling Scone and TBGT11 were planning on a big Christmas blog blow-out, but instead we got drunk.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays From Us and Ryan Seacrest

Rolling Scone Out!

Tiger Woods Story Completely Devoid of Any Connection to Music, No Reason To Be Covered by Music Blogs... at All

There is breaking news on the Tiger Woods story. But you will find no such coverage here. If someone is looking for a story on Tiger Woods they should check ESPN, or US Weekly, or one of the literally thousands of blogs that are falling all over themselves to chime in on the debate.

One could easily peruse websites and blogs like:
http://web.tigerwoods.com/news/article/200912117801012/news/,
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=4744216,
http://www.tmz.com/category/tiger-woods/
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1232544/Tiger-Woods-Jaimee-Grubbs-Kalika-Moquin-named-mistresses.html

to find all they need to know about the Tiger Woods story. Why coming to a blog like This Blog Goes to 11 would be as pointless as marrying Tiger Woods and expecting him to be faithful.

Why should a curious web surfer check a different blog? Because a music blog like the Rolling Scone has no reason to cover such a story as it has nothing to do with music or radio or anything even remotely close to something that could reasonably be blogged about by this esteemed blog or its parent company This Blog Goes to 11. 

 The only sniff of music involved in the Tiger Woods case would be his first mistress Jamie Grubbs, who appeared on the cable show "Tool Academy." "Tool Academy" of course was broadcast on VH1. The same VH1 which now exclusively runs programming that deals with "celebreality" and pointless lists, was rumored to show music videos. However making the leap from Tiger Woods to Jamie Grubbs to something that could be covered by a musically exclusive blog would go against all the blogging rules of etiquette and would never be tolerated in the blogosphere community.

Sure Tiger Woods is a sycophantic liar who only cares about his career and has abandoned his wife and kids to have a few dozen affairs with women not as hot as his wife, and his possible involvement with steroids only invites more criticism. However, this doesn't mean he's fair game for just any blogger to criticize. Only bloggers qualified in entertainment, law, sports, marriage, family, golf, sex, women, men, grass, arcitechture, gatorade, iron, wood, CBS, business, African-American issues, Asian interests or scandals should venture forth their opinion on the matter.

Needless to say Rolling Scone and This Blog Goes to 11 would never think of stooping to those depths stooped by less prestigious blogs. Rest assured you will NEVER see any coverage of the Tiger Woods story on these hallowed walls.

President Obama "Destroying New Jersey is our Number One Priority"

Washington D.C - President Barack Obama outlined his plans for fixing America during his recent State of the Union Address. Near the top of his list: fixing the economy, stopping global warming and sending more troops to Afghanistan. However, Obama made sure to reiterate that his number one priority is and has been "bombing the shit out of New Jersey."

Since the premiere of the new MTV show "Jersey Shore" citizens across the United States have been calling for the destruction of New Jersey, or at the very least the state to secede from the Union.

A  viral video of a man punching "snookie" one of the "Jersey Shore" cast members in the face has spread across the internet like wildfire causing outrage in 49 of 50 states. Message boards across the internet have been bombarded with outraged posters from all across almost all of the United States. New Jersey citizens on the other hand have overwhelmingly approved the male on female assault.

In a statewide referendum, 90% of New Jeresey'ers voted "yo" when asked, "Yo broski would you sock this skank?" In a related poll 93% of respondents said "they grunt when they get their swell on at the gym."

Obama, in his address said that "destroying New Jersey is our new number one domestic priority. After seeing the reprehensible actions undertaken by the New Jersey beach goers on the MTV show "Jersey Shore" the United States has only one option, bombing the shit out of New Jersey.

The people of the United States have spoken and New Jersey is no longer welcome to participate in our great union. The guidos of New Jersey have given America a permanent black eye. I have issued executive order 13234, authorizing the United States military to begin bombing operations on the Jersey Shore. By Christmas New Jersey will be no more than a smoking crater and the guido scourge will be over."

Rolling Stone: New Panel Consisting of Radiohead Names Radiohead Best Artist of the Decade

In a new exclusive poll from Rolling Stone magazine, the band Radiohead has named the band Radiohead as the band of the decade.

The new Rolling Stone magazine details the best albums, artists and songs of the decade by polling a panel of different artists and industry insiders. A panel consisting of the band Radiohead was polled to determine the best artist of the decade. Radiohead chose the band Radiohead as their first choice, coming in second was Thom Yorke as a solo artist and then Johnny Greenwood as a solo artist. Gnarls Barkley was chosen to pick the best song of the decade; which turned out to be Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy." Thom Yorke, lead singer of Radiohead picked the best LP of the decade, Radiohead's Kid A.

Kanye West decided that all of his own albums would be on the top 100, even the critically mixed 808's and Heartbreak. "I am the genius voice of a generation. All my albums should be treated as equal masterpieces."

The new Rolling Stone also features pitchfork aping album reviews, insane Liberal political commentary by Matt Taibbi and tasteful photos of  17 year old Taylor Lautner sans clothes.

Coheed and Cambria to Release New Album, Book, Claudio Sanchez Wig

Normally This Blog Goes to 11.com would never post such a "normal" sounding news story. However, as Co&Ca are a favorite of our editor, we're going to anyway. Plus it's a good way to increase web traffic.

Sell-outfully yours,

Joseph Steigerwald


Copy and Pasted from Coheedandcambria.com

Hey Everybody,

Happy Holidays and all that. We know you have been waiting patiently for Coheed info for 2010, so we hope this fills your hunger for now:

Our new album will be titled, “Year of the Black Rainbow,” and is set for release in April 2010 and will be followed by a headline tour of the US, and then on to Europe and the UK for festivals and such.

As most of you know, the new album will be the “Origin Story” or “The Prequel,” and likely the final story of the ongoing concept story of “The Amory Wars”

With “Year of the Black Rainbow,” we will be releasing a deluxe package that includes a NOVEL OF THE SAME NAME. Not a graphic novel, but a full 300+page prose novel, which will tell the origins of Coheed and Cambria, and much more. There will be no mystery to this story, you will be able to explore it like never before. Presales will start near the end of December, exact date and pricing to be announced soon.

Producing this record is:
Atticus Ross http://www.ninwiki.com/Atticus_Ross
And Joe Baressi: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joe_Barresi

They have helped us evolve our sound to be more powerful and dynamic than ever and we think it’s definitely our best work to date.
Some song titles are: “Here We are Juggernaut,” “The Broken,” “Pearl of the Stars,” and “Guns of Summer.”

Co-writing the book with Claudio is Peter David http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter_David

The album will be released through Columbia Records/Sony in North America. For the rest of the world, Sony has licensed the rights to Roadrunner Records, who we feel will better make our music available in those territories, and opening up the potential for us to come to countries we rarely or never have been to before. We are very excited.

Can’t wait til you can experience it.

Peace,
Co&Ca

Panicked Viewers Flood MTV With Reports of Unidentified Music Video Sighting

Panicked MTV (Music Television) viewers have begun flooding the network with reports of an actual music video sighting. Just minutes before the premiere of the new MTV (Music Television) show Jersey Shore, excited guidos everywhere were shocked to discover a snippet of Lady Gaga's Bad Romance video.

Older non-targeted demographics may remember a time when music videos were in regular rotation on all of the MTV (Music Television) networks. However nearly all female viewers in the 18-24 year range have never experienced an MTV (Music Television) music video.

Calls began pouring in to MTV (Music Television) headquarters in New York shortly before 10pm EST. Viewers reported seeing Lady Gaga dancing in a choreographed routine while singing Bad Romance. Many callers did not understand that these "music videos" are previously recorded and were outraged at not being notified that Lady Gaga was performing that night.

MTV (Music Television) immediately responded with a statement saying that the music video was a programming mistake and that it was shut off after only 25 seconds of airtime. MTV (Music Television) told Rolling Scone-ONLINE that the actual clip was supposed to be a promo for MTV's (Music Television) new prime time show, "Stereotyp'd," which will undoubtably set back race relations in America. The new show features different races acting exactly like their stereotypical selves, except on camera for all America to see.

Music Television appologized for the music video making it onto their airwaves and said that they would double their efforts to make sure that no music video ever aired again on Music Television.

The Eyes of Seacrest, Pt 1.

I don't remember what day it is.

I've been listening to Kiss 96.1 for the past three weeks. No breaks, no silence, only the sounds of the Kiss Freak Show in the morning, Tall Cathy from 10 to 1... I can't remember who comes on after that. Some incompetent jackass. It's all the same... all the same. 

Who am I?


The inane babbling. If i hear one more mention of the word freak show I'm going to take my own life and the lives of thousands of other innocent people. The incompetent disc jockeying, if Bubba interrupts the ending of another song with his shitty singing I'm going to rip my eyes out of my head. The incredibly stupid celebrity gossip. Who cares... WHO CARES!!! NO ONE CARES TALL CATHY, NO ONE CARES ABOUT WHAT VH1 SLUT TIGER WOODS WAS BANGING.


I'm okay...


I've heard Bad Romance three hundred and twenty six times... today. Brittney Spears singing about threesomes and orgies has lost all of its meaning. I can't tell if this song is Rhianna, Beyonce or Keisha. I don' think it matters. 


...


I can't stop thinking about which celebrities I'd like to interview. I bet Matthew Fox has a lot of interesting things to say. I'd really like to get inside the mind of Sharon Osbourne...


I wonder what Adam Lambert is up to since his racy AMA performance? Probably something extremely interesting and relevant to our nation.


Kiss 96.1 has been playing for one whole month straight.


...


What am I becoming? I'm... changing...


My hair has begun to change colors. My tips have become frosted. My hair has begun to stand up in a spiky yet tousled style that exudes both smug self satisfaction and rebel without a comb.


...


Kiss 96.1 is still on, I can't even hear it anymore, my mind has been overwhelmed by the Tiger Woods scandal, Jersey Shore, celebrity sex tapes, who John Mayer is sleeping with. It's all too much. 


I've been overwhelemed by a feeling... For the past two weeks it has slowly engulfed me...I can't fight it anymore... I want to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! No, I have to produce sleazy celebreality shows for E! Where can I find a celebrity so pathetic and irrelevent that they will gladly give up their entire lives for my flim crew... I don't know if any Hollywood celebrity would ever sink so low, but I have to try...


I have another great idea for a show... I have to get together with Paris Hilton, she's the only one smart and talented enough to help me realize my dreams...

I have to host a show on E! I have to have a syndicated radio show thats broadcast across America.


My old self is dead. I am no longer the man I used to be.



...

I know who I am... I know what I have become... It all makes sense now.

  
...


I AM RYAN SEACREST!




...




SEACREST OUT!

Radio Stations Across America Get Into the Holiday Season Early by Annoying the Shit out of Everyone

The end of Thanksgiving marks a special time in America: the official start of the holiday season. In celebrating the holidays, easy listening and oldie stations across America change formats from their regular fare to seasonal favorites, thus assuring that everyone in America will be depressed and suicidal well before the actual Christmas holiday arrives.

In Pittsburgh, stations like 94.5 3WS and 99.7 WISH, have been switched over to their holiday play lists since before Thanksgiving. Local resident and 3WS listener Marianne Stevens professed to enjoying the Christmas favorites for about thirty minutes.

"I was really excited to hear Mariah Carey sing 'All I Want For Christmas Is You.' But after they played Little Drummer Boy for the twelfth goddamn time in one day I was officially annoyed as shit."

Statistics show that in cities with two or more radio stations with Christmas programming, homicides rise a cheery 25% in December and suicides go up a jolly 50%.
  

American Music Awards Still Laboring Under Delusion That They Matter

What if ABC aired an awards show and no one cared? The 26th annual American Music Awards show aired last night, unbeknownst to most of America.

The AMAs were founded by Dick Clark in 1976, when he was just 127 years old and still in the height of his popularity. According to Wikipedia, the AMAs are part of the "Big Three" major music award shows, the others being the Grammy Awards and Tiger Beat's Super Cute List. The AMAs have two major differences that separate it from the Grammy Awards: the AMAs don't have an award for Best Single/Record, and while Grammys are given out according to complicated system of examining ram entrails, the AMAs give out their awards based upon a survey of the last 100 people featured on PeopleOfWalmart.com.

According to many artists, winning an AMA holds roughly the same street cred as winning a Teen Choice Award, except that the actual award isn't nearly as cool as the Teen Choice surfboard. The last 20 winners of the "prestigious" Artist of the Year Award gave it to their valets as a tip upon leaving the ceremony.

The show featured many artists pantomiming songs they didn't actually write. Janet Jackson opened the show with a 30 minute performance of songs that no one knew. All of last night's nominees and winners signed an anonymity clause, thus making their names and the awards they won are not available to the public. Some nominee's include Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift, Kings of Leon, Beyonce, Hootie, and Twlight. Because Michael Jackson is deceased, it was announced that he won four awards including Best Death, Best Celebrity Scandal, Favorite Rock/Pop Album and Best Jackson.

Adam Lambert, America's favorite 2nd place winning gay American Idol not named Clay Aiken, had the biggest controversy of the night when he did something deemed too homosexual for ABC, who cut it from the program. Lady Gaga also provided some controversy when she had sex live on the stage during the 4th hour of the broadcast.

Last night's American Music Awards drew a 12.4 rating, which means that twelve people watched it. A thirteenth person had the television on but was making out with his girlfriend at the time and wasn't paying attention.

Disney Announces New Miley Cyrus Brand Pole

Miley Cyrus is growing up fast... and Disney has no problem taking advantage.

Although it appeared that Disney, the parent owner of the succesful Hannah Montana series, was irked by August's pole dancing performance by Miley during the Teen Choice Awards, it now appears Disney is taking the oppurtunity to capitalize on the mini scandal.

Disney announced today that they will begin selling a "Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana Brand Dancing Pole." Although not specifically marketed as a strippers pole, Disney made sure to let tween consumers know that the pole can be used in the same manner as Miley Cyrus used her pole back in August.

"The new Miley Cyrus Brand Dancing Pole is the next product in the Miley Cyrus consumer goods empire. Now kids of all ages can pole dance just like their hero Miley did on the Teen Choice Awards."

The pole will be marketed towards girls aged 10 to 16. Disney is already purchasing heavy commercial air time and will begin a blitz marketing campaign on its most popular shows like Hannah Montana, That's so Raven, Wizards of Waverly Place, Sonny With a Chance and Jonas.

The product will be sold at retailers such as Toys R' Us, Wal-Mart, K-Mart and Sears and cost about 75 dollars.

RIAA Bans People Who Became Famous Through Visual Media From Releasing Music

The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) announced today that actors and actresses who achieved fame through roles in television and film would no longer be allowed to release or distribute music through any of its member companies. Member companies of the RIAA distribute more than 85% of all music traded in the United States. The move comes after a noticeable increase in attempts to cross over into the world of music, including Drake, Leighton Meester, Heidi Montag, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff, and Scarlett Johansson.

According to RIAA spokesperson Lindsay Carmichael, "Now that we've stopped sending out copyright infringement notices, the major problem on our organizational credibility is the so-called music being created by these already famous people. This will help clear our member rosters for people who use auto-tune as an option rather than out of necessity."

When asked if this ban would cover musicians and singers who had attempted to move into acting, Carmichael added, "According to our market research, the real problem is actors trying to make it as singers. Singers and musicians who have effectively made the transition to acting, like Beyonce Knowles, Britney Spears, and Mariah Carey, will remain on our member labels. Whether they remain in TV or movies is for SAG [Screen Actors Guild] to worry about."

During the press conference, a reporter from Rolling Scone sister organization Radio Free Suburbia asked Carmichael what this meant for Justin Timberlake, who became famous through the Disney's The Mickey Mouse Club, but later as a singer with 'N Sync and as a solo artist. Carmichael stated that the text of the bylaw included an exception for people who became famous through visual media before their 18th birthday. Unfortunately that means that the rest of us are going to be subjected to even more Miley Cyrus in the future.

9 out of 10 White Ethnic Slurs Prefer New WAMO Format

On September 8th, 2009, WAMO-FM, Pittsburgh's only Mainstream Urban radio station, shuttered its doors forever. The switch to a new format has upset many of Pittsburgh's African-American listeners, who are now without an urban programming outlet.

Currently the station's format is listed as "silent" and is broadcasting fuzz at 37,000 watts.

While many in the urban community are upset, a Rolling Scone poll found that 9 out of 10 white ethnic slurs prefer the new fuzz format to the previous urban one.

ROLLING SCONE ONLINE POLL:
Question 1: What stereotypical ethnic slur best describes you?
Question 2: 106.7 WAMO-FM recently changed its format to "Silent" from "Mainstream Urban." Do you prefer the old "Urban" format or the new "Silent" one?

Results:
Cracker - 93% Silent // 2% Urban // 5% Too White To Care
Redneck - 92% Silent // 1% Urban // 7% Don't Have a Radio
Honky - 89% Silent // 11% Urban
Dago - 86% Silent // 12% Urban // 2% Too Busy Putting Grease In My Hair To Answer Question
Mick - 85% Silent // 5% Urban // 10% Drunk
Pollack - 82% Silent // 9% Urban // 9% Being Invaded by Germany
Whitey - 79% Silent // 1% Urban // 20% Only Listen to Yanni
WASP - 75% Silent // 0% Urban // 25% Moved to Kennebunkport During the Question
Roundeye - 74% Silent // 21% Urban
Wigger - 11% Silent // 85% Urban

Wynonna Judd the Hutt Disses Taylor Swift after CMA Win

On Wednesday Taylor Swift became the youngest winner ever of the coveted Country Music Association's Entertainer of the Year award. Being just 19 years old, Swift's win has upset some of the older, more established members of the country music scene.

Wynonna Judd the Hutt, the infamous 600 year old head of the Judd family and third cousin of Tatooine gangster Jabba the Hutt, doesn't think that Swift was ready for the honor. Speaking out against Taylor, Wynonna Judd the Hutt expressed her disproval for the win.

"Tah-koh tee womp rat e’nachu Taylor Swift. Ha skrunee da pat Sleemo."

 However, once Thursday rolled around the gregarious Wynonna Judd the Hutt took back some of the harsher words that she had leveled at Swift the night before.

"Dopo mee gusha, peedunkey." She said speaking out on her official website. "Kee baatu baat."

Judd the Hutt won over 400 years ago when she herself was only 22 and was one of the youngest winners of the award. This fact led many to believe that it was simply sour grapes that led Judd the Hutt's diss. And as everyone knows Hutt's have notoriously bad dispositions

Mr. Electricity To Crush 105.9 the X Morning Radio Show

Breaking News...

Trouble is brewing on Pittsburgh morning radio. Rolling Scone-Online has learned that Art the former 105.9x intern, aka Mr. Electricity, has his sights set squarely on 105.9's popular morning show featuring Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin. Formerly an intern, Art was able to parlay his success as an intern for Tim Benz into his own online only radio show. Although the show airs at a different hour than the morning show, and only one day a week, it is clear that Mr. Electricity has his eyes on the proverbial morning show prize.

Although any attempts to contact the budding star of the Mr. Electricty Radio Show were rebuffed, Rolling Scone can only assume that Mr. Electricty will become popular enough to eventually move to the 6 to 10am time slot that the X Morning Show currently occupies. Once there he will no doubt stop at nothing to destroy Tim Benz and Bob McLuaghlin and bring their show to ruins. Through his wit, highbrow humor and silver tongue, Art will bring his trademark sound to the new Mr. Electricity show.

Rolling Scone can only hypothesize about Tim Benz and Bob McLaughlin's reaction to the news, but our guess is that it is one of pure abject terror. It can be safely deduced that they are both readying their resumes for the job search that they will likely have to undertake once their show is crushed by their former intern.

More details to follow when they become available.

Rihanna on GMA: "I'm ashamed of many things... especially my hairstyle."

Rihanna, appearing on Good Morning America with Diane Sawyer, spoke out on a variety of subjects including Chris Brown, her family and her newest hairstyle.

Frankly I'm ashamed of how I look right now," Rihanna said amongst tears. "I can't believe this network would allow me to go on a national show with a hairstyle that looks like Star Trek Deep Space 9's Bajoran militia officer Kira Neyrs."

Diane Sawyer, who conducted the interview which will air on both GMA and 20/20, tried to press Rihanna on her past altercations with ex-boyfriend Chris Brown. However, Rihanna was more intent on berating herself for her hair style. An excerpt of the interview follows.


Diane Sawyer: Now, Rihanna. Why did you stay with Chris [Brown] after he continuously beat you?

Rihanna: Diane, If I may I'd like to move away from that kind of subject matter and concentrate on something much more importan; my hairstyle. It's completely ridiculous. Honestly, I bet Justin [Timberlake, her new Boyfriend] is going to dump me as soon as he see's this.

Diane Sawyer: Ok, well I think we've discussed this enough, let's talk about your growing up in Barbados.

Rihanna: I'm just going to stop you right there Diane, I don't think anyone is going to care about the upbringing of a woman with a two-toned pompadour.

Diane Sawyer: Well...

Rihanna: I almost don't even blame Chris for beating me, maybe if he hit me a little bit harder I would have gained some common sense and hired a new hairdresser.

Swine Flu Brings Rolling Scone to a Screeching Halt

The offices of Rolling Scone Online will be temporarily closed due to founder Joseph Steigerwald being stricken with the swine flu. Depending on his subsequent death or recovery, Rolling Scone will either be back up and running shortly or it will be sold to Arab industrialists for pennies on the dollar.

Blogger Has Writers Block

Steven Shaw of the Yahoo Music Blog Musicians' Fiend is in the midst of the worst writer's block of his life. His satirical blog has gone over a week without a new post and his scant readership is fading fast.

"I worry that they're gonna can me unless I put something out," Shaw told RS-Online in a phone interview on Monday.

"I've been trolling the usual magazines and websites -Rolling Stone, NME, Blender - searching for something interesting to write about. I thought about maybe mocking Lil' Wayne's recent jail sentence, but he's so last month. He over-saturated himself! I think people are glad to see him in jail just so people won't have to listen to him guest star in another shitty song. Then I figured, hell, I'll just make up some list, like The Best Songs to Listen to While Stuck in Traffic on a Monday. But I couldn't think of anything other than 'Walkin' on Sunshine' and 'Manic Monday'. I considered calling up some washed-up celebrity and asking them about their favorite songs of all time - I'm pretty sure David Hasselhoff isn't doing much on a Sunday Night other than watching Baywatch reruns and listening to Kraftwerk. Any of those would have made killer blog entries, but the Saints were on TV and, well, I ended up putting it off another day. And then it turned into another day. And another. So here I sit at my computer with a blank page and a blinking cursor. Maybe I'll just make up a story about Lady Gaga having herpes."

THE ROLLING SCONE INTERVIEW: BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG

Today on the Scone: The Exclusive Rolling Scone Interview With Billie Joe Armstrong of Green Day.

RS: Hello, Billie.
Billie: Hello, Rolling Scone.
RS: How are you?
Billie: I'm well, and you, Mr. Scone?
RS: I am well, thank you.
...

Billie: So...
RS: Well Billy, I'd like to ask you some questions.
Billie: OK, fire away.
RS: Question one: How do you respond when people tell you you've sold out?
Billie: Well, Mr. Scone, I have to confess, it's terrible. Every time a mohawked boy with a nose ring comes in and tells me that my bands music was better on Kerplunk!, well, I die a little bit inside.
RS: So, you hate the fame and fortune, don't you?
Billie: I really do. I miss the rejection. The driving 200 miles in our old van down to an old bar just to get stiffed by the manager and chased out with a baseball bat. I hate the adoring fans. I miss our shows with 12 drunks throwing beer bottles at us because we didn't play Skynyrd covers. What I especially hate is all the money and the groupies. I bought myself a 250 GT Spyder California for about a million dollars last month. It is so choice. I had sex with two supermodels in the backseat within three hours of buying the car. And for what? I just hated myself even more than when I found out that that American Idiot sold over 14 million albums worldwide.
RS: So you hate your new album as much as everyone else does?
Billie: Yes! I hate the new album. I hate making the music that I want to make. I hate myself... I cry myself to sleep nightly when I think about how I used falsetto and piano on the last two albums. Piano?! I mean, come on! Pianos are for Air Supply and Elton John, not the band that made song about jerking off cool for the radio.
RS: So how are you going to kill yourself in order to atone for every album you've made since you went to a major label?
Billy: Well, Mr. Scone, I plan on committing Hari-kiri with the guitar I used on the recording of Dookie.
RS: Anything to say to your former fans?
Billie: I am so, so, so sorry.

Pompous Jerk Online Blog Editor Tires of Pretentious Indie Friends, Probably Won't Hang Out With Them Anymore

Joseph Steigerwald, Senior Blogger at the still unknown Rolling Scone - Online and drinker of his own intellectual Kool-Aid, has grown tired of his indie and lo-fi loving "friends." Mr. Steigerwald came to this realization during a recent party at his swanky new Mt. Washington house with a jacuzzi and a killer view that overlooks the city. During the party, two of his more opinionated "friends" were arguing about who was better, U2's the Edge or Jack White of the White Stripes. The two droned on and on about pointless minutiae, everything from who was a better guitar player to whether or not using too many guitar delay pedals made the Edge less of a musician. As Mr. Steigerwald's eyes drooped, he realized that he should probably find some friends who like Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance instead of Arcade Fire and Ryan Adams, as they would probably be more into doing keg stands and hitting on chicks. "Everyone knows that Ryan Adams is completely overrated," Mr. Steigerwald told Rolling Scone during a recent interview from his 3rd story penthouse, "I just wish that these 'friends' of mine were into good music, like the things I listen to. I have the best and most varied taste in music out of anyone. I think it's official, I'm going to start hanging out with really slutty girls and guys who drink Jagerbombs and wear Affliction t-shirts. Those are my people now."

CDC Puzzled By High Concentrations of Herpes Outbreaks March 12 - April 9

The Center for Disease Control has recently undertaken an investigation into an alarming explosion of the diagnosis of genital herpes in multiple U.S. Cities starting March 12, 2009 and ending on the week of April 9th, 2009. The outbreaks, which started in San Diego, followed an unidentifiable pattern that has left many scientists baffled. The following is chart shows the first date of the increased diagnoses, the city, and the percentage above the normal amount of cases.

March 12 – San Diego, CA - +200% in Herpes Diagnoses
March 13 – Los Angeles - +212%
March 14 – San Francisco - +1142%
March 16 – Seattle, WA - +546%
March 17 – Portland, OR - +234%
March 18 – Vancouver, BC - +194%
March 21 – Denver, CO - +251%
March 23 – Minneapolis, MN - +200%
March 24 – Chicago, IL - +295%
March 25 – Pontiac, MI - +234%
March 26 – Toronto, ON - +634%
March 27 – Ottawa, ON - +333%
March 28 – Montreal, QC - +225%
March 30 – Boston, MA - +231%
March 31 – New York, NY - +251%
April 1 – Philadelphia, PA - +836%
April 2 – Washington, DC - +5342
April 3 – Richmond, VA - +236%
April 6 – Orlando, FL - +1135%
April 7 – Tampa, FL - +234%
April 8 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL - +234%
April 9 – Atlanta, GA - +234%

Following the week of April 9th, the CDC reported no incidences of increased herpes cases in any city. So far there have been no hypothesis on what caused the outbreak. CDC press correspondent Alfred Stein spoke with RS online yesterday. "So far these herpes outbreaks were contained within these selected cities and we believe that the increased number of incidences will not continue within the previously infected cities or any new cities. As of now it is suffice to say these were isolated incidents and the public need not fear any more outbreaks." Asked if the CDC has any leads, Stein assured RSonline that "[The CDC] has looked at all available data and has been analyzing any possible leads for months now. However, we have come up empty on any correlations. Therefore we here at the CDC have determined that this was just a fluke occurrence, and absolutely nothing else."

LADY GAGA 2009 + 2010 TOUR SCHEDULE

LADY GAGA TOUR SCHEDULE

2009 -
March 12 – San Diego, CA – House of Blues
March 13 – Los Angeles, CA – Avalon
March 14 – San Francisco, CA – Mezzanine
March 16 – Seattle, WA – The Showbox / The Market
March 17 – Portland, OR – Wonder Ballroom
March 18 – Vancouver, BC – The Commodore Ballroom
March 21 – Denver, CO – Gothic Theatre
March 23 – Minneapolis, MN – Fine Line Music Café
March 24 – Chicago, IL – House of Blues
March 25 – Pontiac, MI – Crofoot Ballroom
March 26 – Toronto, ON – Elements
March 27 – Ottawa, ON – Bronson Center
March 28 – Montreal, QC – Metropolis
March 30 – Boston, MA – House of Blues
March 31 – New York, NY – Webster Hall
April 1 – Philadelphia, PA – Theatre of the Living Arts
April 2 – Washington, DC – 9:30 Club
April 3 – Richmond, VA – Toad’s Place
April 6 – Orlando, FL – House of Blues
April 7 – Tampa, FL – The Ritz
April 8 – Ft. Lauderdale, FL – Revolution
April 9 – Atlanta, GA – Centerstage
2010 -
Oct 27 - New York City
Dec 30 - Washington DC
Mar 13 - Auckland, New Zealand
Mar 15 - Christchurch, New Zealand
Mar 17 - Sydney, Australia
Mar 18 - Sydney, Australia
Mar 22 - Bruce, Australia
Mar 23 - Melbourne, Australia
Mar 24 - Melbourne, Australia
Mar 26 - Boondall, Australia
Mar 28 - Boondall, Australia
Mar 30 - Hindmarsh, Australia
Apr 2 - Perth, Australia

My Chemical Romance Vocalist Vows to One-Up Pete Wentz and Shave Other Things On Stage

Blink-182 bassist Mark Hoppus and Fall Out Boy frontman had a special moment during their concert on Saturday night in New York City's Madison Square Garden. Wentz beckoned Hoppus to centerstage during the Fall Out Boy set and proceeded to shave Wentz's trademark hairstyle, a long, straight shage with sideswept, choppy bangs into a no-nonsense buzzcut.

Wentz's haircut signals the end of an emo era, but not everyone is going to let the emo swoosh die quietly. In particular, My Chemical Romance's Gerard Way, longtime style rival and frenemy of Wentz, plans to make a mockery of Wentz's style evolution.

Way wrote on his band's blog:

...petey wentz declares that the emo swoosh is dead and the press goes wild? hahahahahahaha. next time we play the garden, i'm gonna whip out my junk and have matt bellamy [lead singer of Muse] give me a full manscaping...

Matthew Bellamy could not be reached for comment.

A Month in the Twitter Life of Courtney Love aka Courtneylover 79

Just Sold Kurty's rights to activizon in xchange for about 10million. Soooooo glad I killed Kurt back in 94.going to blame this all on dave and novy and come off scott free as usual. I had some concrns bout the way kurt looked but i got to pick out all his clothes and supplied the fotos and shit. I know kurt hated having fun and anything lightharted but i think the 10 i got put those thoughts str8 to bed.Grhol and Novy are gonna be so pissed. lol..

8:23 PM Sept 1st from web


Just ordered my new bumpersticker formy Bentley... LOL. It says "I killed Kurt Cobain and All I Got Was This Lousy Bupersticker." Itz funny cuz it'll be on my bentley. lol. Dave Grhol can burn in hell.btw.

4:12 PM Sept 4th from web


played new guitar hero with Kurt n it. had kurt singing som Bon Jovi, who he hated, kind of ... what the word for it.. i dunno.. too much meth in me... fuck wheres the cat... more plastic surgey in the morning... getting a new vaj. cost about 500g's... just ate a whole cake.

11:49 PM Sept 7th from web


@everetttrue you can assrape dave he was always a bad seed and is stillriding the shit while i take bulletsif theres a hell hes going.im not.. invr once rode kurts cotails... unless you count how he wrote all my muzik for me. but i dontcount that.

1:01 AM Sept 9th from web

howcould people blame me for all this! I cnat believe ghrol sold out kurt. I cried for hours last night after i saw kurt performing a bonjovi song in the game. If kurt was alive.. he'd probably kill himself all over again if he saw his imgage singing a jovi song. hewasalwayssosensitiveandsweet. I shouldn't have killed him. :( :( :( :(

3:04 AM Sept 13th from web


withdrew my 10million, had it put into 1dollar bills and spread it around my bed. now i sleep on my bloodmoney. Kurt would be pissed.lol.

4:02 PM Sept 14th from web


bonjvoi twittered me asking what the big deal is about kurt singing hissongs in a videogame, told me we all need to get a sense of humor. I told him to ufck off. Bonjovi is the devil and his musix is total shite. noone whow wasnt a ufkcing unct louwd lte kurt sng taht shte.

5:23 AM Sept 16th from web


Stupid Kurt woke me up from my dream about everetttrue assraping Dave Grohl. Kicked Kurt outside fed him his catchow went back to sleep.Dave Ghrohl can burn in hell.

5:51 AM Sept 19th from web


guessimgoing to have to start protecting my tweets. people keep gettingthe wrong idea about me. fucking media, always smearingme.iget blamed for verything.

2:12 PM sept 23rd from web

Ben Gibbard Gets Married, Will Cease Recording Music... Building Up Artistic Cred for Use After Divorce in 5-10

Death Cab for Cutie and The Postal Service frontman Ben Gibbard married actress/singer Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer, She & Him) in the indie rock wedding of the century on September 19, 2009. The couple announced their engagement last December and married in an intimate ceremony near Seattle. However, their union is bittersweet for Gibbard, who after years of writing songs that are "hopelessly romantic" but "wary of love," may finally have nothing to write about.

"Look at Zooey, she's every hipster guy's dream girl. The bangs and retro dresses, coupled with a genuine talent in multiple artistic fields. There's no way a [Gibbard] could recover from that," said Ryan Adams in an exclusive interview with Rolling Scone. "You can't marry someone that perfect without your art suffering." Adams uniquely qualified to comment on Gibbard's situation, as he married pop princess Mandy Moore earlier this year. Adams often releases multiple albums in one year, but has almost completely stalled since his marriage to Moore.

Some industry insiders are expecting Gibbard to avert a lack of material with a series of vomit-inducing duets in the vein of Mates of State or Jordan and Peter Andre. Others in the industry speculate that the expected musical drought is only temporary. They believe that Gibbard is simply preparing for the future by building up the emotional connection needed to be appropriately devastated in 5-10 years when the relationship ends. A source from his record label, Atlantic Records, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Rolling Scone that he's heard Gibbard talk about someday writing his own Sea Change (Beck's album about the end of his relationship with designer Leigh Limon).

Another unnamed source close to Gibbard agrees. "Ben's had indie girls falling at his feet for years, but waited until he found the queen of them all to settle down. He knows that the higher he sets his expectations, the harder he'll fall when she finally realizes he's a total goon. He knows that this is what has to happen for him to write the emotional indie rock that made him famous. And after the breakup, the cycle will continue."

Obama Reaches Across Aisle, Finally Earns Bipartisan Support

Barack Obama's off-the-record candor has finally earned him the bipartisan support that he has sought since becoming the 44th President of the United States. Although he has failed to drum up support across the aisle for his universal health care and economic policies, and his poll numbers have fallen to personal lows, his recent off-the-record comments about Kanye West have finally brought critics over to his side. During downtime in a recent interview, he was caught on camera saying, "He's a jackass," while discussing Kanye's recent interruption of Taylor Swift at the MTV Video Music Awards. This elicited laughter from the crew filming the interview, although Obama immediately seemed to tense up in the afterwards of the remark. In recent days, he has come to embrace his candid dig at Kanye.

This week, Obama has made the rounds on the late night shows, appearing only to say his new catch phrase, "He's a jackass!" Even his critics have grudgingly offered praise. Conservative stalwarts like Glen Beck said, "Finally, the first real, un-scripted thing that Obama has said. Something we, in both parties, can get behind." Right-wing radio mainstay Rush Limbaugh opined, "Obama is finally backing up his rhetoric about bipartisanship, I think we can all get behind him in calling Kanye West a jackass." MSNBC firebrand Keith Olbermann offered effusive praise for Obama calling him a "revolutionary" and saying that "this criticism is as important as anything Obama has said or done to date. Bravo, Mr. President." A recent Rasmussen Poll has shown a significant 10 point jump in his approval ratings since the footage aired and perhaps, more importantly, that Obama can really reach across the aisle to both parties.

REVIEW: Muse - The Resistance

MUSE - THE RESISTANCE
Quick Take: Muse ups the classical influences, but still finds room to rock.

Best Track(s): Guiding Light, Resistance

If you’re listening to the new Muse album “The Resistance,” chances are you’re not a regular Pitchfork reader. In fact if you find yourself enjoying skillful instrumental interplay that adorns the early troika of songs (“Uprising”, “Resistance”, “Undisclosed Desires,”) opening the album, you may in fact be one of the increasingly scarce fans of MUSIC. That’s music as in big bold, multi-tracked guitars, bass lines that scamper from the first frets of E to the heights of G, drums that confound the senses, pianos with endless octaves and strings, STRINGS, STRINGS everywhere. You don’t listen to music for introspective lyrics; in fact you probably don’t even listen to the verses. You’re just in it for those fist pumping choruses, full of we(s) and us(s) and resistance(s) and uprising(s) never break us(s). These are the things you crave in your MUSIC, and fortunately for you, Muse is about to tickle your fancy (if that’s your sort of thing read on.)

If you made it past the first 15 seconds of the opener “Uprising” you will probably be absolutely in love the rest of the album… Actually scratch that, if you were able to look at the track listing and a three part orchestral piece called “Exogenesis: Orchestra” didn’t cause you to either a) vomit or b) stick your fingers in your ears, close your eyes and hum the latest Grizzly Bear album for the next 15 minutes you will probably be absolutely in LOVE with the rest of the album. Muse lives in a black and white world and you’re either with us, or against us.

“The Resistance,” is the fifth studio album from the worlds first and only space-prog-rock-opera-wtf band. If you’re still reading this review, you probably are a Muse fan, otherwise you’d be reading this review on PITCHFORK or ROLLING STONE and you would probably be smirking while reading the slightly derogatory, better than thou review which of course will be giving the album between 2.5 and 3 stars and then flipping (or browsing) to the breaking news that says “omg Pavement is getting back together!...” the 2.5 to 3 stars that is just enough to placate the fans, but not high enough to turn off all the cool kids who hate Muse from thinking that said magazine is losing its edge.

Alright, now that we’ve dispensed with the haters, what’s next? Oh, the music. OK, think of “Black Holes and Revelations,” now blow that up by about 15, ramp up the classical music influences by 10, multiply the insanity of Matt Bellamy by 9.6, end with a three part symphony and ta-da! new Muse. The music itself is impossible to quantify on its own, either you know what Muse sounds like or you don’t. What started as a sort of quasi-Radiohead sound has now fused with Beethoven, Gershwin and Queen and then sautéed with Spinal Tap, these songs go up to 11, (or 12… or 13). Each successive album has increased the intensity, and theatrics. In comparison, "Showbiz" and "Origin of Symmetry" sounds like exhibitions of restraint. Even “Absolution” and “Revelations” had their downtime, a break or two in the insanity and a chance to cleanse your aural palate. No dice here; “The Resistance,” keeps on hitting. It actually can become overwhelming in some places if you try and listen to things individually. In these instances don’t panic, just let the waves of sound pummel you until the song ends.

Uprising begins the album in the album in the usual Muse fashion. A left cross to the face, a synth line that could have been lifted from Nightmare on Elm Street, with a shout along chorus, and a killer bass line. Resistance finds them in their most familiar state of play, a la “Revelations'” Starlight and Invincible. Undisclosed Desires finds them in Depeche Mode territory, with dancing synth lines and a drum machine beat. Guiding Light, the best song on the album builds slowly, with shimmering synths, a killer 3 second guitar solo until it builds up enough emotion for one more breaking chorus. MK Ultra is a driving rock song dressed up with octave jumping synths. The United States of Eurasia, is a song that cannot possibly be described in words, but be prepared for a chorus from an off-Broadway play, a soothing piano solo, echoes of Rush’s 2112 and a instrumental break that sounds like it was lifted from Final Fantasy. As the album progresses the songs get grander, more complicated, culminating in the three part Exogenesis Orchestra. If that wasn’t enough, Bellamy also sings in French.

What binds the songs together throughout the album (besides their extravagance,) is Muse's willingness to sound like nothing else in music, and the incredible dexterity and skill of the three main players. Matthew Bellamy, who handles vocals, guitar and piano may be the most talented triple threat in popular music. He also may be one of the most grandiose and over the top, but he never operates in guitar hero territory, he sticks to indelible production, which adds big shiny lairs of sound to every track. Strings are everywhere, and his guitar takes a backseat to his voice. Bellamy may take most of the credit for the sound but Christopher Wolstenholme’s bass cannot be ignored. Previously it could be heard as the centerpiece for songs like Muscle Museum and Hysteria. For “The Resistance” it occupies a slightly lower place in the mix, but his mix of boogie and drive is still integral to the sound and just sounds awesome on songs like Resistance and MK Ultra. Drummer Dominic Howard tends to get lost in the space opera, but his drumming is the perfect kind of backing for this type of music and propels the music perfectly. He locks in perfectly with Wolsetnholme to add the punishing riffs that bring the band its heavy sound. But when necessary he can provide the funky dance beats (I Belong to You), in the rare time that Muse comes down from their usual dominion in the dark matter.

“The Resistance” is an excellent album from end to end, and although its not quite as revolutionary as “Blackholes and Revelations” or as driving and urgent as “Absolution,” it still represents another step in the evolution the band. It has to be noted that the sound hasn’t strayed too far from the driving bass, neo classical piano and tremolo guitar solo ground work which was laid out on the very first song on their 1999 debut, “Showbiz’s” Sunburn. But while the sound may be technically similar, but “The Resistance” relies on its classical roots over the hard charging rock of their past.

Muse isn’t for everyone, this I fully understand and have accepted. You either like them or you don’t, and the sound isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Because of that I am prepared to offer two completely different ratings: one for the Muse fans, and the other for the assholes that have no idea what good music sounds like and probably listen to Pavement, and are dumb.

Verdict:
(For Muse Fans and Smart Good Looking People): B+
(Pavement and Pitchfork Fans): C-

Kanye West Issues Apology to Taylor Swift After Reading Your Facebook Status

Kanye West, whose stump speech for Beyonce having the best video of the decade came during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video, has decided to issue an apology after reading the harsh responses on Facebook. Kanye West, who has admitted that he spends most of his days trolling Facebook looking for mentions of his name in status updates, was taken aback by the negative comments and status updates that went up by the millions just seconds after his faux pas.

"I'm Kanye West, so I figured that anything I do would be greeted by adoration." Kanye West said in an exclusive interview after the VMA's. "But then I went on Facebook and searched for my name... and I was horrified. Amanda Lynn of San Jose St. University said that 'I was an asshole for interrupting sweet little Swift,' Kyla Anderson wrote that 'I now officially hate Kanye West.' But the most damning of all was Jackie Stouffer of Mt. Union High School's poll on whether or not I was out of line for interrupting Taylor Swift. I couldn't believe it! 90% of the 10 respondents said 'yes'. I haven't had this many negative comments since the fish sticks incident. Therefore I would like to apologize to Taylor, even though she doesn't care about black people."

Kanye West's Faux Pas Leads to Awkward VMA Moment

Breaking News from the MTV VMA's:

Taylor Swift, upon receiving the Best Female Video Award was accosted and groped by a drunk and high Kanye West, who also belittled her by saying that Beyonce's video was one of the best ever, and Taylor shouldn't have won. In addition, he claimed that she "doesn't care about black people"and MTV is a racist network. Kanye West then fell off the stage leaving a stunned Taylor Swift who tried to bring some levity to the proceedings by doing an awkward jig as the "Curb Your Enthusiasm" music played over the loud speakers. Rolling Scone Contacted MTV officials, who said only that, "That's Kanye!" and "Oops... he did it again!"

Ball of Flame Shoot Fire Confound and Enrage Us

Pittsburgh indie-rock native sons Ball of Flame Shoot Fire have released their second EP, titled Danny and Rob. The 5-song release, available at http://www.mediafire.com/?ozkne3n2jem, is material they created and recorded this summer while writing for their next full-length album. Danny and Rob is a follow-up to their 2007 EP Grumpy Little Bird and the 2008 LP Jokeland, which earned them comparisons to bands like Animal Collective and Man Man.

But it's definitely not the follow-up I was expecting. Jokeland and Grumpy Little Bird were remarkable masterpieces - hyper-literary, with complicated time signatures and song structures, with banging and yelping and horns and all kinds of magic. As first efforts, they established the band's ability to compose and arrange songs. Danny and Rob is something else entirely.

Danny and Rob appears to be BOFSF's half-baked attempt at using sampling and some new recording techniques. Although they succeed in making five distinct soundscapes, the album is unstructured, virtually lyricless, and a chore to listen to. The first track, "G20 Buzzcut," sounds a bit like Stomp, with bangs, pings, whirring all adding up to a samply, mashed-up mess. "The Joy of Dane Cooking" was created completely from Dane Cook samples. The last song, "Suntan," starts out with a great melody but never builds into anything, falling apart only a few minutes into the 9-minute track. Everything else is pretty unremarkable.

Whatever they are going for is simply overwhelming and inaccessible without BOFSF's typical endearing melodic strangeness to string the ideas together. Danny and Rob was definitely an experiment, but I am disappointed by their decision to make it a BOFSF release rather than some sort of side project. It's hard for bands to drastically change styles on different releases, and I am just not on board with this particular effort - it's an unfortunate addition to their discography. I hope that they get back to their old habits on the next release.

Recent Murders "Thrilling" Gary, Indiana

GARY, Indiana - A blanket of fear has been cast over this industrial Midwestern town as the recent deaths of 6 citizens have led police to believe that an evil force has set up shop in town and is intent on killing again. The killer, nicknamed "The Thriller" has been terrorizing the local residents since the first body was found June 30th.

Police believe that the 6 deaths are the work of a serial killer and have cautioned all residents not to go out of their houses when the midnight hour is close at hand. However, many residents are convinced that the deaths are the work of something far more sinister. Local Occultist Vinny Price believes that "The Thriller" is in fact an evil creature back that has come back from the dead to terrorize the city.

Although no one has gotten a close up of "The Thriller" local Gary, Indiana resident Ola Ray has taken the only known photograph of what seems to be a man or creature in a red jacket.

"It was close to midnight on June 30th," Ola Ray said in an exclusive interview with the RollingScone. "I saw something that almost stopped my heart, this 'thing' seemed to be doing some sort of dance on the street outside of my cul-de-sac. I tried to scream, but terror took the sound before i made it. I started to freeze, this horror looked me right between the eyes. I was paralyzed. Fortunately I was able to snap out of it and get out my iPhone, which is what i used to get this picture. As you can see, this "Thriller" was dressed in red leather and had a very pale face with black jheri-curled hair."

Talking to local Vinny Price, he believes that he has discovered the origins of the "Thriller" in an ancient story that he found in one of his occult books.

Darkness falls across the land/The midnight hour is close at hand/Creatures crawl in search of blood/To terrorize y'alls neighbourhood/And whosoever shall be found/Without the soul for getting down/Must stand and face the hounds of hell/And rot inside a corpses shell/The foulest stench is in the air/The funk of forty thousand years/And grizzly ghouls from every tomb/Are closing in to seal your doom/And though you fight to stay alive/Your body starts to shiver/For no mere mortal can resist/The evil of the Thriller.

The story seems to foretell an evil creature from the depths of hell, what he believes could be a zombie or ghoul like creature. "I'm not sure why the beast seemed to arise on June 30th, nothing I could find in any occult book points to that date as a date of significance. There seems to be no astrological significance either as the moon was in its first quarter and didn't become full until July 7th. The police don't seem to be interested in any of this, but I believe the killings will continue and I don't believe they will ever be able to stop the evil of this 'Thriller.'"

Exclusive News: Guitar Hero: Nirvana and The Beatles: Rock Band

As the Guitar Hero and Rock Band universes expand, new details have emerged about the two latest editions; Guitar Hero: Nirvana and The Beatles: Rock Band


For the first time ever, Guitar Hero: Nirvana will include special instruments and features that are exclusive to the title. Included with the game will be a .12 gauge shotgun controller so that players can now commit suicide when the bands "fame" meter becomes too high to handle. This new "fame" meter will increase with each successfully completed song until it reaches a red zone. When the red zone is reached, the Kurt Cobain avatar will inject cocaine into his veins and wait for the player to pull the shotgun trigger, thus earning the player a game over.

Other features include a "bitch slap Courtney Love" mini game and an "intervention" feature. The intervention feature consists of a thirty minute break from playing music while band members and friends try and coax Cobain to give up drugs. This intervention feature happens every 2 successfully completed songs and makes up roughly 75% of game play.


The Beatles: Rock Band, which will be released September 9th, is the first time the Rock Band series has expanded beyond a numerical determinant, featuring multiple bands, into a single band format. The Beatles: Rock Band will feature over 30 songs, however most of the game play will instead focus on the "inner workings" of the legendary rock group the Beatles. Features include a random "quit" variable which causes a random group member to quit the band at any given point during the game. This causes the corresponding controller to go dead until the member can be convinced to rejoin the band.

Another new option in the game is the ability to perform and create "on drugs." Money earned during the performances can be used to purchase over 50 different real life drugs including heroin, LSD, acid and marijuana. Using the drugs during shows can cause different effects, from a "fuzzy" screen to the notes being reversed. Players also have the ability to "spike" their opponents characters in order to make the game more challenging. The drugs also play a key part in completing the game. Unlike the other versions of Rock Band, not all the songs can be unlocked by simply finishing all the songs, instead certain songs can only be unlocked by using certain combinations of drugs, thus releasing the "creative" energies needed to "write" the songs.

Other lesser options include a "Ridicule Ringo" mini game, in which the goal is to make him realize that he has very little talent and is basically just living off the other members genius and a Yoko Ono Band Destroyer.

New Programming Announcement from VH1

VH1, the home of all things celebrity has released it's fall 2009 schedule and beyond, and we here at the Scone could not be happier to see some of the new shows. In the wake of the disturbing celebmurdereality of his wife by VH1 regular Ryan Jenkins and his subsequent celebriticide inside a small motel in Canada, VH1 has yanked the shows in which he has appeared. Both Megan Wants a Millionaire and I Love Money 3 have been cancelled and VH1 has been in panic mode trying to fill the loss on their schedule. To replace the losses VH1 has ordered the following shows to fill out its roster.

Sunday
Rock of Love 4: Boats and Ho's
Rock of Love 5: Skanks on a Plane
Rock of Love 6: Herpes of Love
Rock of Love 7: Brett Michael's Pays for Sex

Tuesday
Best Celebrity Suicides Ever
I Heart Celebrity Murders

Wednesday
I H8 the 50's
Who Gives a F--- about the 40's?

Thursday
Tool Academy 2: "People Who Should Be Killed Acting Like Assholes In Front of The Girlfriends They Don't Deserve"

Saturday
Megan Wants a Guy With a Job
Megan Wants Penicillin

40th Anniversary of Woodstock Not Remembered by Any in Attendence

As the 40th anniversary of Woodstock came and went, only one thing was certain: no one could remember a damn thing about it. Even pinning down the date the concert actually happened required three scientists five months of intense research and testing. The date was eventually found in the pages of Ten Years After guitarist Alvin Lee's diary, which was discovered wedged between a pound of cocaine and a '69 Gibson Les Paul in his root cellar.

The last remaining musician with memories of the original Woodstock lost them in 2007 after he discovered Yanni and "The New Republic." Most of the other original attendees lost their memories through the sweet embrace of death or from copious amounts of LSD and weed. The actual original Woodstock bill has also been lost to history, and while acts from Jim Croce to the Moody Blues have been rumored to have performed, none of the musicians can remember if they actually played or if they were just having a really killer trip.

The chances that there will be enough remaining brain cells for a 50th anniversary celebration seem doubtful. When asked what he remembered about the event, at a recent 40th anniversary party, alleged concert goer Jim Benson said, "Wait, man, we're here for what? a Woodstock? whats a Woodstock, man...? oh wait you mean that little yellow bird that talks in punctuation marks? Oh man, I love that bird, man. Man, Snoopy...He always lay on top of his doghouse, man. That dog was a trip man... man."

In spite of these hindrances to historical remembrance, nostalgia - if not an actual time or date - for the legendary concert will continue in the hearts and minds of every 18 year-old Haight-Asbury panhandler, burnt-out junkie, Pitchfork staff member and dirty hippy.

Rev. Sharpton, "I think 'Thriller' more than makes up for all the molesting"

In the aftermath of the Michael Jackson death, many questions have been raised about the legacy he will leave behind. Jackson had a checkered past, with allegations of drug use and child molestation, however, all those questions have been put to rest thanks to the mild mannered and soft spoken Reverend Al Sharpton Jr., who recently spoke out against critics of Jackson. While some may question why Sharpton would defend the bleach-white Jackson, critics must remember that while Micheal died a child-molesting white man, he was once a mega-successful black superstar.

Reverend Al Sharpton Jr., who has long been a vocal proponent of Michael Jackson, issued a statement saying that, "The joy that the album, 'Thriller' has brought to over 28 million Americans more than makes up for the hundred or so small children that Jackson drugged and molested in his Neverland Ranch -- just by numbers alone, the thirty million American men, women and children who have been touched by Michael's song and dance far outnumber the few that Michael touched sexually. If he had never released 'Thriller' and instead was just judged on 'Bad' or 'Dangerous', I could see how all the sexual abuse might tarnish his legacy. But c'mon, we're talkin' about over 100 million copies sold around the world and seven top ten singles from one album -- seven. It's outrageous, it's ludicrous, it's so beyond bad it's good. 'Billie Jean' alone would make up for most of the molestations. Throw in 'The Girl is Mine', 'Thriller', 'Wanna Be Startin' Something', 'Beat It', 'Human Nature', and 'P.Y.T.' and Micheal could have bombed the World Trade Centers and I would still forgive him. Michael was the greatest, the king of pop, the sultan of soul, the greatest the world has ever seen, he was and will always be a king in our eyes, even though he wasn't a black man anymore and truly had nothing to do with our race and in many ways was a disgrace to every black man women and child in the world. However, let's not forget that he could moon walk better than Jesus; So that's good enough for me, and it should be good enough for America."

Green Day in Pittsburgh, July 22, 2009

Photographer: Not Joe Steigerwald

"Who wants to be saved?!" Billie Joe Armstrong screams at the 13,000 men, women and children packed into Pittsburgh's Mellon Arena, who are hanging onto every word of this rock'n'roll preacher's punk revival sermon. If there are any more entertaining front men in music, I'd like to see one. Billie Joe runs around the stage screaming, antagonizing, preaching his rock music to the faithful. He'd probably be more comfortable in a circus or southern gospel church, but instead his destiny lead him to an arena, with a guitar instead of a bible, and a whole lot of f-bombs instead of WWJD's.

It's hard to believe that Green Day, the same band who burst onto the nationwide music scene with an album called Dookie, would still be a relevant force in the music industry in 2009. In fact, other than Pearl Jam, and Foo Fighters, there are few early nineties bands that still make any semblance of rock music and also continue to be relevant (sorry Our Lady Peace and Offspring). Radiohead went off the deep end with their electronic garbage, Nirvana died, Soundgarden... dead. Rage Against the Machine... gone. Alice in Chains (sort of), Stone Temple Pilots... all dead... R.I.P, don't let the door of the rock music pantheon hit you on your way out of the collective mind of America.

Green Day, against all odds, and after years of skirting with breaking up/complete irrelevance, burst back onto the rock scene with American Idiot, and the impressionable youth of America lapped it up, catapulting it to the top of the charts and possibly saving rock music for at least a few more years. Perhaps more impressive they got their 9 minute opus, "Jesus of Suburbia", on alternative/rock radio, and people actually loved it. By creating a rock opera, they disenfranchised many of their old fans who wanted to hear them remake "Brain Stew" ad naseum. Fortunately, Green Day decided to get ambition and channel their inner Who, while also keeping their Clash and Rancid influences. Their new album 21st Century Breakdown, continues their Who-ish rock opera ways, while also adding what Rolling Stone magazine called "ballads that would be at home on an Air Supply album." Ignore them. The ballads "21 Guns", "Last Night on Earth" and "Restless Heart Syndrome" sound like they could be on a Who album (if they had better lyrics,) but they aren't that much different then say "Time of Your Life", except for of course Billy Joe's new penchant for falsetto. 21st Century Breakdown, at least in recorded form is just as strong as Idiot. While both are good, hearing them performed live, with the massive amount of energy emanating from Billie Joe and friends, is a real revelation.

Armstrong wisely leaves most of the guitar work to back up musicians so he can concentrate on rocking the eff out as long and hard as possible. It's a smart move. Not content just to rock out, Billie Joe also is a master of crowd relations, bringing adoring fans on stage to sing parts of "Jesus of Suburbia," "Basket Case" and "Longview." While the first half of the performance showcases songs from Idiot or Breakdown, all of which sound even better live, the middle of the set is all old school. "Brain Stew/Jaded," "Longview," "Basket Case," a song from their indie days, the crowd laps it up and sings along with every song. Unlike say Pearl Jam, who hates their past popularity and refuses to play "Jeremy," even though every fan in America would go crazy if they did. Green Day is completely content to end the set (and their third encore) with an acoustic, Billie Joe solo rendition of their most annoying hit, "Good Riddance/Time of Your Life." Amazingly it sounds new and fresh, just like all their other songs. Undoubtedly their new album has once again raised the ire of former fans who scream "sell-out!" But this being at least the fourth time they've sold out, (after they signed to a major label, after "Time of Your Life," after American Idiot, after Billie Joe changed his hairstyle... etc. etc.) they wear such accomplishments on their sleeves. Color me impressed.

A Brief History of the RollingScone, part deux.

A Brief History of the Scone, part 1.


The not as early, but still pretty early in the big picture days:

From 1723-1776 the Scone of London, as it was renamed following the murder of Lord Abernathy II, was no longer issued in any print format and simply lay fallow as merely an intellectual property. When Lord Abernathy was shanked by James Cromwell in the Dining Hall of London's Earls Court Debtors Prison, his last words were "Give the Scone to my Son Greg...," Which of course was amended to "Give the Scone to my sun, who warms all of England, the great and gregarious King George II." The Scone, whose value was appraised at 1/100,000th of a pence was then in 1745 given to the King's favorite whore, Lady Marmalade, as a tip after a particularly fulfilling night of sex and beatings. Lady Marmalade, then moved to France, taking the handkerchief the Scone's title was scribbled on to Paris.

In 1776, the Lady Marmalade of the Lebelle Whore House of Paris was visited by a particularly drunk Benjamin Franklin, who was in France at the time lobbying for French help against the British in the American Revolution. Franklin, had been a regular at the Lebelle Whore House since his first visit in 1767, paid for his usual 3 prostitutes, a bottle of courvoisier and 4 french maid outfits. However, upon payment, Lady Marmalade discovered she was out of change, and offered Franklin the title for the Scone Le Rolling in lieu of the 12 cents she owed. Franklin, who was already drunk off his ass, and a noted newspaper enthusiast agreed.

Franklin, awoke naked, save for a lone hankie, in the middle of a back alley in the French Whore district. Remembering nothing of the night before, he used the handkerchief to cover himself and set off back to America, bearing both French support for the American Independence movement, and much more historically important, the title for Scone Le Rolling.

Upon arriving in America, Franklin immediately put on hold his duties to the fledgling American Nation and instead began work on what he would later call his greatest accomplishment, resurrecting the RollingScone. Settling in Philadephia, Franklin assembled a crack team of local hot shot writers including music editor Albert Scott, reviewer Clem Washington, whorehouse correspondent Brian Braun and Jozef Staggerwood, who wrote the infamous "stupid things the British think are good but really are stupid" section. By Franklin's death in 1790 the Scone was already the 3rd most popular local music interest bi-weekly pamphlet, trailing only the Kazoo Times and Popular Slave Songs. From 1790-1800, the Scone grew into the most popular music gazette in Pennsylvania. In a completely unrelated matter, mysterious fires destroyed the offices of Kazoo Times, Popular Slave Songs, Lynchin' Music Monthly, Star Spangler, The Whipping Post, Free World Daily, EuroSymphonyXpress, Daily Mail, Pennsylvania Gazette, Times of London and Rolling Muffin.

In 1801, the entire staff of the Rolling Scone was convicted of 10 counts of arson and 34 counts of murder and hung in the most popular public execution in Pennsylvania history. Thus plunging the greatest musically based magazine in the history of the Western Hemisphere into a cliffhanger worthy of ...



Next Time on the Scone. Part III: Revenge of the Scone!

RIAA to Crack Down on Performance Enhancers

In an effort to save the floundering music industry, the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) has decided to crackdown on any performance enhancing technologies and to fine and suspend any musicians caught using enhancers like Pro Tools, Auto Tune and Talk Box. The RIAA issued its warning on Tuesday after a meeting between RIAA head Mitch Bainwol and members of the House of Representatives. Although any musicians previously found using these technologies will not be punished, any new songs or albums that feature any of these technologies will result in a 100,000 dollar fine for a first offense and up to two years in jail for a second. A third strike will result in said artist being blacklisted from ever recording in the United States. The RIAA will conduct random testings of all songs being recorded starting July 8th.

Many believe the RIAA has begun to crackdown because of slumping music sales across the industry. Fans have begun to grow tired of the constant use of performance enhancers across all genres. It is even believed that almost 50% of all musicians are now using Auto Tune in their recordings. In a survey test taken in 2003, 76% of all songs tested positive for Pro Tools.

Even stars like Kanye West have fallen under the microscope. West became the highest profile musician to test positive after he was discovered using Auto Tune on his 2008 album 808's and Heartbreak. Although he tested positive, under the old agreement he was not subject to any fines or suspension. Other stars suspected of using include Akon, Peter Frampton and Moby. The RIAA hopes that these regulations will once again even the music field and entice previously jaded music fans back to the stores.

Media: Unimpressive; Michael Jackson's Death Doesn't Live Up to Reputation

"Unimpressive." That was the word from CNN head honcho Ted Turner following the death of Michael Jackson yesterday. "Kind of disappointing," said Entertainment Tonight.

The US media has not been kind in their reviews of Michael Jackson's death. Ryan Seacrest was disappointed by the understated manner of Jackson's death. "Celebrities of this caliber usually go out in a much bigger way. Drug fueled suicides, being gunned down by stalkers or jealous lovers, a high speed chase or car crash, heart attacks while naked with small children... these are the kind of deaths that we expect from these types of world class celebrities. The King of Pop really didn't live up to his name this time. Slipping into a coma and dying? It's a little disappointing when you think of the possibilities."

Mixed Jackson death reviews came from the cables news world, as well. Joe Scarborough of MSNBC's "Morning Joe" took the optimist's route, saying its still early and that the autopsy could reveal really exotic drug use drug use or possibly even alien probing and that could really inject some spice into the whole thing. However, Anderson Cooper of CNN went negative, saying the timing of the death could have been better and noting that sweeps week had long since passed. He also fretted that all in all he expected something better, fireworks, jealous monkey lovers, a triple murder suicide, something that would befit the man who sold 26 million copies of Thriller. "At the very least I would expect some sparklers, some sequins and a crouch grab or too. Frankly I just dont feel satisfied, but I suppose Madonna or Bono could die at any minute... hopefully while doing coke off each other, naked, in a plane crash on their way to help starving children in Africa... that'd be huge ratings."

Just Announced: High School Musical 4!

In a RollingScone exclusive, we have uncovered details for the newest chapter in the High School Musical saga, entitled Freddy vs. High School Musical. In a bold move, the incredibly successful High School Musical franchise will go the same route as a the Freddie, Jason and Alien series and spin off into a vs. direction in an attempt to freshen the franchise. Although some may argue that the HSM series is still incredibly successful, this pro-active approach ensures the long term viability of the series.

Director Eli Roth had optioned the picture in 2008 shortly after High School Musical 3 hit theatres, from a script he wrote himself. The story featured Freddy hacking and slashing his way through the dreams of Troy, Gabriella and the rest of the HSM crew. However, Eli and Disney could not come to terms on budget and compensation so the production was halted while the movie was shopped around. In March of 2009, Sam Raimi, fresh off "Drag me to Hell," decided to pick up the movie, along with a revised script. The new script from the horror master spun around the Freddy formula into a scathing satire of the current tween culture. In the new script, it is Freddy who finds his dreams haunted by the cheerful PG-rated songs of Troy, Gabriella and Sharpay. Everywhere Freddy goes, from supermarkets to the mall, all he sees and hears are the spirited, inspirational song and dance of the most polite, least sexually active group of teenagers ever. Freddy, so distraught with the way of the world decides to go into his own dreams and kill himself, rather than face another day of being haunted by Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens.

In Freddy vs. HSM, Freddy Krueger will be played by Jackie Earle Haley, Freddy's dad will be played by former Freddy star Robert Englund. They will be joined by the entire HSM cast along with a special appearance by Richard Dreyfus as the cranky dean and Michael Clarke Duncan as the janitor. The movie is scheduled to be shot this fall and released in the fall of 2011.

Kenny Wanye Shepherd #1 Fan Discovered

Billy Joe Talbot is a 42 year-old grocery store clerk from Tulsa Oklahoma. He has been to two Kenny Wayne Shepherd concerts, bought a 15 dollar t-shirt from the last KWS tour and knows that Kenny Wayne Shepherd did not sing vocals on their biggest hit, Blue on Black. Because of this, Billy Joe Talbot was recently named the worlds #1 Kenny Wayne fan by Kenny himself.
"After years of searching, I was finally able to track down a fan so devoted that he had been to more than one of my concerts and who knew that I'm actually really the guitar player, not the singer of the band as everyone assumes." Kenny Wayne visited Billy Joe at the grocery store and gave him an official #1 plaque and his complete discology. Billy Joe had this to say to Rolling Scone after the announcement. "Yeah I like Kenny Wayne, he's probably in my top 100 favorite artists... Maybe, top 200. I think he's got a lot of talent, good guitar player, and I like that he's singing more on the new albums. I may even go to another Kenny Wayne concert in the next ten years or so... If he's ever really close by and the tickets are less than 30 bucks, otherwise I'll just buy some Skynyrd or Allman Brother tickets. I mean those bands are classic."