Just Announced: High School Musical 4!

In a RollingScone exclusive, we have uncovered details for the newest chapter in the High School Musical saga, entitled Freddy vs. High School Musical. In a bold move, the incredibly successful High School Musical franchise will go the same route as a the Freddie, Jason and Alien series and spin off into a vs. direction in an attempt to freshen the franchise. Although some may argue that the HSM series is still incredibly successful, this pro-active approach ensures the long term viability of the series.

Director Eli Roth had optioned the picture in 2008 shortly after High School Musical 3 hit theatres, from a script he wrote himself. The story featured Freddy hacking and slashing his way through the dreams of Troy, Gabriella and the rest of the HSM crew. However, Eli and Disney could not come to terms on budget and compensation so the production was halted while the movie was shopped around. In March of 2009, Sam Raimi, fresh off "Drag me to Hell," decided to pick up the movie, along with a revised script. The new script from the horror master spun around the Freddy formula into a scathing satire of the current tween culture. In the new script, it is Freddy who finds his dreams haunted by the cheerful PG-rated songs of Troy, Gabriella and Sharpay. Everywhere Freddy goes, from supermarkets to the mall, all he sees and hears are the spirited, inspirational song and dance of the most polite, least sexually active group of teenagers ever. Freddy, so distraught with the way of the world decides to go into his own dreams and kill himself, rather than face another day of being haunted by Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens.

In Freddy vs. HSM, Freddy Krueger will be played by Jackie Earle Haley, Freddy's dad will be played by former Freddy star Robert Englund. They will be joined by the entire HSM cast along with a special appearance by Richard Dreyfus as the cranky dean and Michael Clarke Duncan as the janitor. The movie is scheduled to be shot this fall and released in the fall of 2011.

Kenny Wanye Shepherd #1 Fan Discovered

Billy Joe Talbot is a 42 year-old grocery store clerk from Tulsa Oklahoma. He has been to two Kenny Wayne Shepherd concerts, bought a 15 dollar t-shirt from the last KWS tour and knows that Kenny Wayne Shepherd did not sing vocals on their biggest hit, Blue on Black. Because of this, Billy Joe Talbot was recently named the worlds #1 Kenny Wayne fan by Kenny himself.
"After years of searching, I was finally able to track down a fan so devoted that he had been to more than one of my concerts and who knew that I'm actually really the guitar player, not the singer of the band as everyone assumes." Kenny Wayne visited Billy Joe at the grocery store and gave him an official #1 plaque and his complete discology. Billy Joe had this to say to Rolling Scone after the announcement. "Yeah I like Kenny Wayne, he's probably in my top 100 favorite artists... Maybe, top 200. I think he's got a lot of talent, good guitar player, and I like that he's singing more on the new albums. I may even go to another Kenny Wayne concert in the next ten years or so... If he's ever really close by and the tickets are less than 30 bucks, otherwise I'll just buy some Skynyrd or Allman Brother tickets. I mean those bands are classic."

RollingScone's Top Stories of the Week!

Brett Michaels Hit by Falling Karma
Brett Michaels, precocious star of Rock of Love and former lead singer of Poison, was hit on the head by a falling piece of karma at the Tony Awards last week. The piece of stage was knocked loose by Brett's past transgressions which range from dating Pamela Anderson to having sex with multiple floozy's for three seasons of Rock of Love without any consequences. However during the Tony awards all his previous sins finally came to a head and the piece of stage struck him in the head and knocked him out.

The Society of Tight Pants and Chuck T's (STPCT) Removes Kings of Leon from Acceptable List; Issues Warning to Grizzly Bear
The Society of Tight Pants and Chuck T's, the secret organization which regulates what kind of music that today's indie and emo kid's can like, has officially removed Kings of Leon from its list of acceptable bands to like. the STPCT had issued a warning to Kings of Leon after Molly's Chambers was used on a car commercial. However, the King's latest album, "Because of the Times" with its singles Sex on Fire and Someone Like You have received far too much radio play for the band to remain acceptably cool. Indie kids are advised to denigrate the band by saying the songwriting is too poppy and by saying that the album is over produced. Calling the band "sell-outs" is also urged. The STPCT has also issued a warning to the band Grizzly Bear due to their album making the Billboard top 10.

Lady Gaga's "Poker Face" playing on New York Radio Stations 24/7 for the Past 3 Months
For the past three months, at every minute of every day, 24/7, Lady Gaga's super hit "Poker Face" has been on the radio on one of 12 New York Radio Stations. From the Spanish language Mega 97.9 to 107.5 WBLS urban contemporary, "Poker Face" was run on a continual loop. Additionally on June 1st at 12:23am, "Poker Face" could be found on 7 of the 12 NYC radio stations simultaneously. The run was finally broken on June 11th when "Poker Face" was completely absent from the radio for 25 seconds, until Fresh 102.7 played the song and started another 4 day cycle of continuous play.

Simon Cowell: America Still Not Ready for Interesting American Idol

Simon Cowell, noted producer and star of Fox's American Idol, has released a scathing attack on every single person living in America after the surprise loss by Adam Lambert in the finals. Upset by the surprising results, which came after he all but guaranteed a victory by the flashy interesting and now un-closeted Adam Lambert, Simon Cowell released this statement yesterday to Billy Bush and Entertainment Tonight.

"I see that Americans, the wankers that they are, have absolutely no taste in anything. All that bollocks about America no longer being bigoted is complete rubbish. Sure Obama got elected, but who the hell cares about the President and Democracy, we're talking about American Idol here, we're much more popular than President Muppet, always cocking-up things around the world. Well those barmy Americans go ahead and vote for some prat named Kris, cor blimey he spells it with a K! Kris with a K. I shoulda known these are the same wankers who voted for Reuben Studdard and Taylor Hicks. So we get this dodgy prick named Kris instead of the guy-lined Adam. I mean Christ, Brian May loved this chap, and I think he knows talent when he sees it. Americans can elect blacks, whites, Jews, girls, gays, straights, but those wankers still haven't learned how to elect a bloody interesting Idol yet. Here is my advice to you Americans who still can't figure out how to elect an idol with bollocks. You're dreadful. I hope you die, I hope your parents get divorced and you find out that you were actually born with both female and male genitals. You should just kill yourself, you're useless, you're ugly, you have a stupid laugh and you're probably going to gonorrhea and die before the age of 26."

Guitar Hero 5 Track List Exclusive!

The official track list of Harmonix's latest addition to the Guitar Hero franchise:

John Tesh - NBA on NBC Theme Song
Duke Ellington - Take the A-train
Britney Spears - Womanizer
Jesse McCartney - She's No You
Rockapella - Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego?
Tenacious D - Karate Shnitzel
ABBA - Take a Chance on Me
Andrew W.K. - It's Time To Party
9th Symphony - Beethoven
First of Da Month - Bone Thugz N' Harmony
Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger - Daft Punk
Ella Fitzgerald - Blue Skies
Hail to the Victors - Michigan Alma Mater
Wham! - Jitterbug
Hans Zimmer - Pirates of the Caribbean Soundtrack
Joe Esposito - Your the Best
Jane Austin (as read by Merryl Streep) - Pride and Prejudice
New Kids on the Block - Hangin' Tough
Night Ranger - Sister Christian
Phil Collins - Sussudio
Prince - Little Red Corvette
Queen - Seaside Rendesvouz
The Smiths - Frankly Mr. Shankly
Soundgarden - Ty Cobb
Styx - Mr. Roboto
LFO - Summer Girls
Extreme - More than Words
Seether - Careless Whisper
Wu-Tang Clan - Wu-Tang Ain't Nothin To F--- With
Yes - Close to the Edge
3 Doors Down - Citizen Soldiers
Duck Tales - Duck Tales Theme
Lez Zeppelin - Hats Off to Roy Harper
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird (Live 2008)
Peter Cetera - Glory of Love
Will Ferrell - Afternoon Delight

Breaking News: Music Retailers to Create "Everything Except Country and Rap" Sections in Stores

In a surprising coordinated business strategy, hundreds of music retailers nationwide are changing their methods of sorting in-store inventory into musical genres, instead creating a large section called "Everything Except Country and Rap." Rap and country will be relegated to either one or two separate sections within the stores, but this has not been standardized.

A representative for Best Buy, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the decision by the American Association of Large, Non-Independent Music Retailers (AALNIMR), an organization that works closely with the RIAA and the NRA came in response to changing consumer demands.

"Before, more people had defined tastes - they were into classic rock, or alternative, or new wave, or something else. Now, nearly 70% of our poll respondents seem to have gained an appreciation for all music, except for country and rap, obviously," the representative said at a press conference this morning. "It's clear that our business model should reflect the needs of the public, not outdated notions of genre and classification."

Many customers seem happy about the change. Rick Suleck, 19, was shopping for new music at Border's in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Suleck calls himself "a huge fan of everything except country and rap." Now, he says, "It will be a lot easier to find music I will definitely like. Before I had to wade through all sorts of genre discriminations that really don't matter. At the end of the day, it's all rock and roll, right?" Suleck then displayed the Devil Fingers (a common rock and roll related hand gesture that is a fist with the palm out, except with the index and pinkie fingers pointed straight up instead of curled).

Amanda Eberstein, who was shopping yesterday at Barnes and Noble in Modesto, California, was not as excited about the announcement. She expressed concerns that "everything except country and rap" was too broad a label, asking, "Do you think this section include genre crossover acts like the Beastie Boys and Ryan Adams?"

Trent MacCoy, Eberstein's boyfriend who was shopping with her, was also unclear about the true purpose of the new section. "Will this include everything that isn't country or rap? Even things that are non-musical in nature, such as housewares, or floral arrangements."

AALNIMR representatives were unwilling to comment on these and other questions posed by Rolling Scone reporters, saying that these details had not yet been decided, as the decision-making summit, taking place in Palm Springs, California, was ongoing.

Noticeably absent from negotiations are the thousands of independent music retailers around the United States, though changes to their inventory display methods seem unlikely to change anytime soon.

Doug Baker, co-owner of West Wind Books and Records in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, was unsurprised by the announcement. "The AALNIMR's decision is indicative of the current state of music listenership in this country, but definitely not indicative of the consumer base of my store and others like it."

"My customers know the differents between hi-fi and lo-fi, grunge and punk, rockabilly and psychobilly, glam and prog - they are more specific in their tastes, and want their store to recognize that."

Some artists are upset by the new genre classification. A group of country and rap artists calling themselves the Country-Rap Antidiscrimination Parnership (CRAP), are starting to put together a lawsuit to overturn the AALNIMR's decision.

Kanye West and Dolly Parton, the acting co-presidents of CRAP until the organization is officially formed, released a joint statement.

"SHIIIiiiiiiiitttttt SSSSSssson. We, the country-RAP Antidiscrimination Partnership, believe that the actions of the AALNIMR are unfairly biased against country and rap music [boob jiggle] . TTTTThhhhiiissssssssssS iiiiisssSSSSSSS BUUUUUULLLshiiiiit. WHHY IIISN'T eeeMOoOO orrrR eeeLectroniCA leFFtttt ouT???!!! How about free jazz, or classical [boob jiggle]? CRAP vooWS to PPPut aN eND to thiiiis."

Rolling Scone will be following this story closely and updating details as they become available. Don't forget to check Rolling Scone Online for the latest in music news, reviews, and terrible twos.

Fall Out Boy Facebook Face-off Fallout!

BREAKING...

IN A FACEBOOK SHOWDOWN, THE "FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER: 5,000,000 STRONG" GROUP HAS REACHED THE 5,000,000 MARK BEFORE THE "I <3 FALL OUT BOY, FIRST TO 5,000,000!" GROUP. THE FALL OUT BOY IS THE WORST BAND EVER GROUP REACHED THE 5,000,000 PLATEAU ON THE BACK OF ITS NEWEST MEMBER, JASON REIS. THE I <3 FALL OUT BOY GROUP HAD BEEN STUCK ON THE 4.8 MILLION MARK FOR THE PAST WEEK AS NEW MEMBERSHIP DROPPED TO -1.2% THIS PAST QUARTER. THIS NEWS HAS HIT THE IMPETUOUSLY CATCHY ROCK GROUP HARD AND REPORTS FROM GROUP LEADER PETE WENTZ-SIMPSON IS THAT THE BAND WILL DISSOLVE BY THE END OF THE MONTH.

Supergroups to Collaborate on New Album

From the RollingScone Heavenly bureau.

Heaven's #1 supergroup, "The Nirvana's" - which features Jimi Hendrix and Jesus on guitar, Jeff Buckley on vocals, Geddy Lee on bass, Keith Moon on drums, Beethoven on piano and Louie Armstrong on trumpet - has decided to collaborate with Hell's #1 supergroup, "Led Zeppelin II" on a brand new triple LP which will contain a disc from both bands and a third that combines the talents of both bands. "Led Zeppelin II's" lead singer Freddie Mercury said that it was "awesome" to finally work with Jesus and that the new album certainly is the best he's been a part of since "A Night at the Opera." The other members of Led Zeppelin II, which includes John Bonham on drums, Kurt Cobain and Randy Rhoads on guitar, Adolf Hitler on bass and The Devil on fiddle, agree that it was an honor to work with a guitar player of Jesus' caliber. "He's just otherwordly with the things he can do with a guitar," Randy Rhoads said in an interview with the Scone. "His third and fourth hands really opens up a whole new world of possibilities."

The two supergroups had tried to collaborate in the past but Led Zeppelin II's manager and fiddlist, the Devil, said that it was a violation of their contract. However, he softened his stance after God decided that he would agree to release Abaddon the Destroyer from the void 200 years earlier than originally foretold.

The album - which orginally was to be entitled "Revelation and Revolution: an Odyssey of Heaven and Hell, as Told to the Saints of Rock and Roll" - has been renamed "Stairway to Heaven" in honor of God's favorite song. The albums release is scheduled to celebrate the week before the apocalypse and will be out December 25th, 2011.


---------------------------------------------------
Early snippets from the album have already leaked onto the outernet and have the music otherworld buzzing.

Pitchfork: Although the Hell disc shows promise, the Heaven disc features way too much guitar noodling by Jesus, and does every song have to be over 7 minutes long? Jesus may be able to raise Lazarus from the dead, but not even He can bring back prog rock.

Rolling Stone: Good, not great. 3 stars from the early demos.

Spin: Love the Trumpet, Louie Armstrong has never played better. Being dead is the best thing that ever happened to him.

Kerrang!: The sickest guitar solo's, the greatest bass solo's, the hardest drum solo's. The only thing that could make this 3-LP set better would be if Jesus himself played a raging 20 minute guitar solo backed up by a heavenly choir; oh wait he does."
-------------------------------------------------------

RollingScone, a brief history pt.1

Today on The Scone: Part one of a four part series that chronicles the unabridged, unedited, and completely untruthful history of the worlds greatest internet music blog.

The Early Days:
Founded by London noble Lord Abernathy in 1683 as a monthly periodical, the early Scone featured musings on a variety of topics like the apointment of Henry Purcell as keeper of the king's instruments at Chapel Royal and reviews of the latest popular operas (John Blow's Venus and Adonis is given the Scone's first 2-star review.) In its inaugural year the Scone had 3 columnists, 1 music critic, and one satirist.

The first controversy at the Scone was over satirist James Purcell's critique of King Charles II falling asleep at an opera. The piece was entitled "King Charles: a lazy boob, or just mentally challenged?" Purcell was sentenced to death by hanging in the month of December after a 12 minute trial found him guilty of treason. However the controversy increased the circulation tenfold and by 1686 the Scone was the most popular monthly in Britain. Unfortunately as rock music had not been invented yet, 99% of the reviews were 1-star, and most were puncuated by complaints of "not enough guitar solos." The lack of interest in the music scene led to a five year hiatus by the scone from 1687-1692 due to Lord Abernathy's addiction to opiates.

When the scone returned in 1693 it remained for the next hundred years as a yearly 50 page book, which dropped any hint of satire and humor and instead simply reviewed every major classical and operatic piece of each year. Pieces from Bach and Vivaldi were savaged with 1 and 2 star reviews and in the hundred years only Beethoven and Mozart managed to impress the editors and writers at the scone enough to get a 3 star review. Lord Abernathy II who had taken over for his father in 1712, after Lord Abernathy I had contracted gangrene from a paper cut he had recieved from the 10 year anniversary issue, had been losing 30,000 pounds per year as circulation had dropped to less than 6 people. Lord Abernathy II eventually closed the Scone, as he was arrested and placed in a debtors prison in 1723. There he was shanked by a fellow prisoner over a crust of bread. After this the scone languished in obscurity, until a chance encounter in Philadelphia in 1776.

Old Crow Medicine Show 5/22/09

Yeah, does Alison Krauss play the fiddle like that? I think not.


Old Crow Medicine Show at Carnegie Library of Homestead

Friday, May 22 2009

“What kind of music do you like?” “Everything except country and/or rap.” Well, hypothetical rock fan, you shouldn't be so hasty to scorn country-ish things. The Scone likes its rock, its big guitars and technical skill. That’s fine, that’s sometimes the best kind of music -- but let’s make room for some hot fiddle licks. There’s plenty of room in the big book of bands that rock for Old Crow Medicine Show, even if they contain an instrument you have never heard of (that would the guitjo, or banjitar if you prefer. It’s what is says on the tin, a hybrid of banjo and guitar.) At just about every show they’ve played in their 11 years together, Old Crow proves that you can rock hard, even if you’re playing a song about cocaine from the 1920s. But they’re not just some novelty, nostalgia old time band, these days they lean more towards the original tunes than the fiddle scorchers of yore. Their ’08 album, “Tennessee Pusher” poked its toe into some post-WWII influences and even has the occasional drums and organ! But at the show, Old Crow gave the audience a healthy mix of old tunes, covers, stuff from their “first” album, and plenty from “Tennessee Pusher.” Highlights were the blistering love scorned “Fall on my Knees”, the slow, atmospheric drug dealer song, “Tennessee Pusher” and the obligatory playing of “Wagon Wheel” which is the band’s frat-happy crossover hit. It’s a great song, but maybe not their best, and the audience members yelling for it were obnoxious and oblivious. (Ladies and gents, they play it every show, they’re gonna play it, just wait in the lobby if that’s all you came for.)

The sound at Homestead Library is phenomenally clear, (though this reviewer was admittedly at front row center, so perhaps I’m a little biased in the venue’s favor) and the place is small, (about 1100 capacity?) but beautiful. The audience sat in Pittsburgh awkwardness for a few hot opening tunes, (one of the downsides of a venue with seats) then guitar player/vocalist Willie Watson urged the audience to get dancing, and they seemed more than happy to.

With plenty of onstage banter, and Pittsburgh pandering, the band was in great spirits (better than in Columbus in January. Take that, Ohio!) Their energy was through the roof, with Willie Watson running in circles and twitching, fiddle player Ketch Secor fraying bow hairs and sending rosin dust into the air, or wailing on the harmonica. All of them except guitjo player Kevin Hayes, and bassist Morgin Jahnig switch instruments. Ketch Secor’s classic country voice (not “She Thinks My Tractor’s Sexy” country) harmonizes well with Willie Watson’s vocals, which are more straight from the holler than a man from upstate New York has a right to sound.

But rock fans are still rolling their eyes perhaps, picturing a hick ho-down or the occasionally soulless technical proficiency of bluegrass. But this isn’t Alison Krause (no offense to her), and Old Crow is not the top of the technical heap in instrumentation. They’re more old time than bluegrass, and the former is usually more sloppy and reckless, without all the polished solos of the latter. So, it’s not rock, and they’re not even the Slash of bluegrass, so who likes this stuff? Well, douchebag modern country fans sometimes come for “Wagon Wheel.” But ignore them and their incessant yelling. This punk fan fell in love with the band because of they dig up and polish off ancient, dusty songs from way back, that nobody under 70 is likely to hear or seek out anymore; they’re great lyricists and singers, their instrumentation is solid as hell, but most of all their fiery, endless enthusiasm is what makes me listen over and over. They play fast and dirty, but it sounds great. They’re the punks of bluegrass. Drop that bias against anything southern-flavored. Their studio albums are great, but the live shows will knock you on your ass as much as any rock and roll.

Exclusive Look at How Rolling Stone Rates Albums

Today on the Scone: an in depth look at how Rolling Stone Magazine tabulates its album ratings.

Rolling Stone The Magazine, unlike many other music magazines doesn't rate albums based on the music, instead they factor in many different variables until they reach a final rating. All ratings start out at 2 stars and increase or decrease based on these important factors.

If the band has been featured on the cover of NME or Q magazine in Britain: +2 stars
If the band is about to be featured on the cover of Rolling Stone: +4 stars
If the band is too popular: -1 star
If the band will never sell more than 100,000 albums: +1 star
If the band is in the "alt-country" genre: +1.5 stars
If Jack White is in the band: +3 stars
If the band has more than 1 guitarist: -1 star
If the band features guitar solos: -1.5 stars
If the band features drum solos: -4 stars
If the band is Rush: -2 stars
If the band is young, hip and popular and can sell extra magazines if they get a good review but also won't hurt the indie rep of the magazine because they are guilty pleasures but in reality are a pretty terrible band: +2 stars
If the band can be labeled "metal" or "progressive": - 3 stars
Liberal politics in the forefront of said band's lyrics: +2 stars
Conservative politics even vaguely referenced: -5 stars
A new Eminem CD: automatic 4 star review
If your nickname is "the Boss": +5 stars
Spiritual lyrics: automatic 1 star review
If the band is influenced by southern rock (except lynyrd skynyrd): +2 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review was written before 1980: -4 stars
If the band is Led Zeppelin and the review is written in an obvious attempt to cover up the fact that the magazine hates Led Zeppelin and only is giving them a good review because they have to: automatic 5 star review
If the band is Black Sabbath and the review is written in the 70's by snarky college students who think Hot Tuna and the Grateful Dead are the best bands in the world: automatic 1 star review
If the band rocks: -2 stars
If the band doesn't rock: +1 star
If Pitchfork likes the band: +2.5 stars
Steve Perry is in the band: -1 star

This Week's Top Stories!

Rush to go back in time to kill selves in order to grace cover of Rolling Stone, become critical darlings.
Rush, ignored by Rolling Stone Magazine for the past 40 years, has decided to go back in time using Doc Brown's DeLorean in order to kill themselves just after their epic album 2112 in order to earn themselves an opportunity to appear on the cover of Rolling Stone Magazine. By killing themselves at the height of their artistic output they guarantee at least 4 Rolling Stone covers, a place in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and inclusions on critics "greatest of" lists.

Scott Stapp escapes from Hell, returns to earth to collect 10,000,000 souls.
Scott Stapp, who was bound by rock and sent to hell by Dave Grohl and Jack Black in 2002, has escaped from his prison at the 12th circle of hell and has returned to the earth in order to collect souls in order to ressurect the "band" Creed and cast the earth back into darkness.

Michigan man puts Fleet Foxes album on Ipod in order to keep up appearances.
Billy Kemp of Lansing Michigan has put the latest self titeld Fleet Foxes album on his Ipod just to keep up the appearance that he listens to new hip music, in order to impress his indie friends if they happen to check his playlist. Nestled between Flava Flav and Flickerstick, Fleet Foxes currently boasts 0 plays. Although Mr. Kemp can't name any of their songs, he says that "just having them on my playlist has impressed three people and possibly gotten me a date for Friday with that cute girl from the local indpendent coffee shop.

Rough Economy Shutters Kazoo World Magazine; Hits Kazoo Industry Hard

The Kazoo industry, once seen as the unbreakable link in the musical instrument industry, received more bad news as the rough global economy has forced the venerable Kazoo World Magazine, offshoot of the more successful Guitar World Magazine, to shut down its printing presses and close its doors forever. Kazoo World Magazine follows in the footsteps of Kazoo Aficionado, Kazoo Woman's Journal, Kazoo Weekly, Kazoo Bi-Weekly, and Metal Kazoo magazine as the latest casualties of slumping kazoo sales. With these latest closings, only the prestigious 200 year old Kazooist Quarterly remains in the red.

Recent reports show a 75% drop in retail kazoo sales in the past year after years of double digit sales gains. Kazoo makers like Kazoo's Unlimited and Anderson's Kazoo's have recently asked the government for massive billion dollar loans in order to keep their companies afloat and the kazoo assembly lines running at full capacity. Anderson's Kazoo CEO Richard Watkins has said that the company has about 50 million dollars in reserves but at current projections that will only last til the end of May. If both companies fold Watkins estimates that over 200,000 jobs will be lost in America alone and upwards of 400,000 globally.

Yanni Signs New 6-Year Deal with Guantanamo Bay to Supply Music for Tortures

Yanni, best known for his turgid soft-orchestral elevator muzak has signed a new 6-year deal with Guantanamo Bay his agent reported yesterday. With the new contract Yanni will become the exclusive provider of torture music for the United States until 2015. Yanni will compose between twenty to thirty brand new songs that will be used by soldiers and prison officials at the US torture facility at Guantanamo Bay. The songs will be piped in to each prison cell between 11am and 3pm daily in order to soften up the Arab terror suspects. Additionally Yanni's music will be used during all water boarding sessions. Terms of the deal were not disclosed but most analysts put the number in the high seven digits.

Asher Roth Understands White, College-Educated 20-somethings

The fascination of white college students with hip-hop and rap is not new, but rarely has a white college graduate been able to successfully cross-over into the genre. But this is all about to change. Meet Asher Roth.

Asher Roth, a 22-year-old from Morrisville, PA, dropped his debut album Asleep in the Bread Aisle on April 20, 2009. The album's tracks have names like "Lark on my Go-Kart," "I Love College," and "Be By Myself," which features Cee-Lo. "I Love College," the album's first single, is a feel-good anthem about drinking, smoking weed, dancing, Thirsty Thursdays, and naked girls. The music is an even mix of real instruments and beats, with guitars on "I Love College" and some keyboard on "Lark" The rhymes are clever and he has a sense of humor about the whole thing, but it's clear that Asher Roth is writing about what he knows in the genre he happens to love. Less psychopath than Eminem, more coherent than the Beastie Boys, Asher Roth has what it takes to overtake his predecessors as the most commercially successful white rapper ever.

Roth's music background is alarmingly unremarkable. He says, "The first CD I ever bought was Dave Matthews Band's Crash...That is how suburban I am...I finally got into hip hop in '98 when I heard the Annie sample with Jay-Z...When I wrote my A Milli freestyle, that was me listening to 10 years of hip hop and not relating to it at all. Like, Damn I don’t sell coke. Damn, I don’t have cars or 25-inch rims. I don't have guns. I finally got to a point where I had the confidence to do this thing myself, and I was making music for me. And it turns out, a lot of people feel the same way I do."

His autobiography on MySpace invites a little more insight into the mind of Asher Roth:

"When I'm not rhyming I find time to purchase rare kindergarten art off ebay. As I was recently enlightened that it portrays the soul in its purest form. On the weekends I like to watch football and dance in celebration of the coming week. I collect business cards purely for prank phone calls and pay my rent by doing BICH Work (Boys In Cougar Homes). My boy Greg Mike and I, both started living by the credo...WWJD. What Would JEEZY Do? More often than not we find ourselves going with answers.."YEEAAHHH" and "HAHAAAA." Ever since I've been living a much more positive lifestyle."

Whatever that means. Listen to his tracks at www.myspace.com/asherroth

Music Transactions for April 2009

A quick brief of the musical transactions from the past month from all the major musical genres.

Pop:
4/03 - Agrees to trade Jessica Simpson and cash to Country for the rights to Chris Gaines.
4/12 - Placed Justin Timberlake on the 3 year disabled list.
4/21 - Agrees to terms with Leona Lewis, 2 years - 21 million dollars.

Country:
4/13 - Agrees to a 4 year - 53 million dollar extension for Taylor Swift.
4/26 - Reassigned Dierks Bentley to the minor leagues.

Rock:
4/21 - Rejected Rap's trade: Lil' Wayne and Fred Durst for Fall Out Boy and Kevin Rudolf

Rap:
4/20 - DMX arraigned on drug charges, will be placed on the PUP list for 5-6 years.
4/25 - Agrees to trade Kanye West to Emo for cash and weed

R&B:
4/2 - Releases R.Kelly
4/3 - Recalled N.E.R.D. from minors

Emo:
4/25: Acquires Kanye West from Rap

Metal:
4/1: Names Metallica captain for upcoming season
4/14: Agrees to 12 year - 100 million dollar contract extension for Mastodon

Classical:
4/2: Names Beethoven to all-decade team
4/9: Folds Operations

Jazz:
No transactions

From the Desk of Jann Wenner; Re: New Music Genre's To Keep an Eye On

To: Rolling Stone Staff
From: Janny W.(Your Boss)
Re: New Music Genre's to Keep an Eye On

Hey Guys,

I've been doing a lot of research lately scrounging around the nether-worlds of the music industry and I've come across some new sounds that I think you guys at the Stone should keep an "ear" on. I'm not sure if you guys are up on these things but one new hot genre that I keep hearing the kids talk about is something called "contry." (sp?) Apparently it's pretty big in the South, which I know we don't want to talk or think about but if it may be something to look into. If you could check out Johnny Cash, Hank Williams and Waylon Jennings, those guys seem to the big thing at the moment with those racist southern hicks.

Also there's something called "metal" (met-el) (like the stuff that buildings are made out of). Apparently this type of music features up to 2 guitars, sometimes with fast solo's. Now calm down, I know what you guys are thinking and I assure you that I hate that stuff as much as you. However, if it's going to be popular with the kids I don't want to miss out on it like we did with grunge. If you guys could make sure you check out what the kids are wearing at the malls, (do kids still shop at Sears?) check out the arcades etc. I heard something about a band called Iron Maiden, so do some Internet research and check those guys out if you could.

Thanks a lot guys,

Janny

(PS. keep that Obama love comin', here's some suggestions: Obama's favorite rapper, What's On Obama's Ipod, 100 Greatest things about Obama, How Obama saved the country, Obama; bigger than Jesus.)

(PPS. No more mentions of that 4-stars we gave the Jonas Brothers album. If anyone asks it was a typo.)

John Mayer Named "Smug Magazine's" Artist of the Year.

In breaking news, RollingScone has received word that John Mayer has received Smug Magazine's coveted Artist of the Year Award. RollingScone has an exclusive excerpt from Smug's upcoming May issue.

"...John Mayer's smug self-satisfaction can be seen in every photograph taken of him. Eyes half-open in a hazy "i just smoked a bowl" kind of way; a big deuschy 'hey I just hazed the pledges and had sex with a freshman' frat boy grin on his face, John Mayer doesn't care that his adult-contemporary, female-only blues rock has no place on any station except ones that run Delilah. Once compared in Rolling Stone magazine to Eric Clapton, it was later announced by an embarrassed Jann Wenner that Rolling Stone meant the adult-contemporary 'Change the World' and 'Wonderful Tonight' Clapton, not the actual good 'Crossroads' or 'Badge' Clapton. Additionally, John, was inexplicably named part of Rolling Stone's 'The New Guitar Gods" in 2007, despite the fact that John Mayer is actually medically incapable of rocking. Despite these facts, John was given the opportunity to write about Jimi Hendrix in the Rolling Stone 100 Greatest Guitarists issue. Even though he was handed all this by Rolling Stone, John recently twittered that the latest issue was a "real piece of shit," coincidentally the issue also had a negative review of a John Mayer song. If John's self-love wasn't enough to get him to Smug's Artist of the Year Award, his blatant disregard for his so-called influences was. The 'SRV,' Stevie Ray Vaughn tattoo on his arm serves as the ultimate reminder that tattoo's in no way, shape, or form have any actual meaning - like a 'simplicity' tattoo on Meat Loaf or a cross with the word 'chastity' on Britney Spears.

The stench of smug self-satisfaction trails Mayer closer than Deputy Gerard trailed Dr. Richard Kimble. Not content to contain his smug entitlement to the music world, John inexplicably ends up dating actresses so far out of his league that even Pete Wentz is embarrassed for them. Women like Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Love Hewitt have fallen pray to his 4th grade attempts at poetry, as they are, undoubtably not very intelligent. His smuggest moment was recently catalogued when he discovered trying to pick up women by telling them that 'Jen' is just so needy. Mayer's pathetic attempts were flatly turned down, however his second pick-up line "I wrote 'your body is a wonderland' about you," was greeted with an exchange of bodily fluids in the nearest men's room...

... These reasons are a few of the myriad of ways that John Mayer's ego has exploded in the last few years. His journey from untalented music college dropout to humongous asshole can best be described as inexplicable, analogous perhaps to George W. Bush walking and chewing gum at the same time. If there is one thing to learn from John Mayer, it is that nothing is impossible when things are undeservedly handed to you on a silver spoon.

A Brief Look Inside the Mind of J. Steigerwald: RollingScone Creator

Today's feature is a list of the last 66 songs played on Mr. Steigerwald's Ipod.

1. Girlfriend - Matthew Sweet
2. Shotgun Down the Avalanche - Shawn Colvin
3. What A Catch, Donnie - Fall Out Boy
4. Can We Still Be Friends - Todd Rundgren
5. Little Wing - Stevie Ray Vaughn
6. Casual Affair - Tonic
7. Hush - Deep Purple
8. Fire Island - Fountains of Wayne
9. Lit Up - Buckcherry
10. Dancing Through Sunday - AFI
11. Oh What a Night - Four Seasons
12. West Coast Smoker - Fall Out Boy
13. 20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy
14. w.a.m.s - Fall Out Boy
15. Tiffany Blews - Fall Out Boy
16. 27 - Fall Out Boy
17. (Coffee's for Closers) - Fall Out Boy
18. The Shipped Gold Standard - Fall Out Boy
19. Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown - Fall Out Boy
20. America's Suitehearts - Fall Out Boy
21. She's My Winona - Fall Out Boy
22. I Don't Care - Fall Out Boy
23. Disloyal Order of Buffaloes - Fall Out Boy
24. Running On Empty - Jackson Browne
25. Monsters - Matchbook Romance
26. The Velorium Camper I: Faint of Heart - Coheed and Cambria
27. Bizzare Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward
28. Move Along - All American Rejects
29. Back in the USSR - Beatles
30. Raspberry Beret - Prince
31. Cancer - My Chemical Romance
32. Palace of Excess - Ash
33. Afterlife - Avenged Sevenfold
34. Rock You Hard - The Dan Band
35. Day Job - Gin Blossoms
36. Shake It - Metro Station
37. Together Forever - Rick Astley
38. Wanted Dead or Alive - Bon Jovi
39. Starcrossed - Ash
40. Crush - Jennifer Page
41. Lady Madonna - Beatles
42. Killer Queen - Sum 41
43. I Touch Myself - Divinyls
44. Pressure - Billy Joel
45. Stacy's Mom - Fountains of Wayne
46. American Girl - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
47. Chemistry - Semisonic
48. Better - Guns N Roses
49. The Big Medley - Dream Theater
50. The Door - Silverchair
51. I'm Not Okay (I Promise) - My Chemical Romance
52. Eternal Life - Jeff Buckley
53. Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - Police
54. My Favorite Things - Silverchair
55. Love Rears It's Ugly Head - Living Colour
56. Big Bang Baby - Stone Temple Pilots
57. Got Me Wrong - Alice in Chains
58. Winning Days - The Vines
59. You're My Best Friend - Queen
60. Shout it Out Loud - Kiss
61. Irish Blood, English Heart - Morrissey
62. Fields of Gold - Sting
63. Alien Angel - Three
64. Take it Off - The Donnas
65. Where to Now St. Peter - Elton John
66. On Fire -Van Halen

Axl Rose to Recieve 3.4 Billion Dollars in Bailout Funds

Washington D.C. - Tuesday
Today Barack Obama announced that Guns N' Roses front man Axl Rose will receive 3.4 billion dollars in federal bailout money in order to keep his band from declaring a breakup following the massive failure of their Chinese Democracy endeavor. Despite taking over 10 years to complete and costing 3 times the GDP of Belgium to make the album barely broke the 500,000 sales mark and because of the 1.2 billion dollars in promotion that was spent, the albums release has resulted in a 1.1 billion dollar loss.

The band was slated to declare breakuptcy any day, however Axl personally went to the White House to make a case for federal bailout money. Although official transcripts are kept under lock and key it is rumored that Axl Rose convinced Obama by showing the devastating repercussions that would result if the band went under. Economists are mixed on what would happen if Axl did not receive his bailout, however some accounts say that up to 5 jobs could be lost and cocaine dealers around Axl's house could miss out on up to 300,000 dollars a year. In getting the money Axl had to make some concessions as well. In addition to a forebearance on any more albums, Axl has to admit that Slash and Izzy were by far the best parts of Guns N' Roses and finally that he will never again put his hair into dreadlocks.

RollingScone Platinum Post: For Readers Who Make Over 1.4 Billion Dollars Only.

A new feature of RollingScone is its monthly Platinum series, which is a high-class post for readers who make over 1.9 billion dollars yearly, not for our regular slumdog peon readers.

Today on RollingScone: class, class, class! Instead of a segment on that modicum of mediocrity "rock and roll," RollingScone will be moving its focus to New York and the bright shining lights of BROAAADWAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!! FABULOUS!!!!!

The play in our spotlight today is the new hit, Jesus Christ Superstar 2: Barack Obama Superstar. Written by Andrew Lloyd Weber with music by Mos Def, Barack Obama Superstar looks at the meteoric rise from of Obama, from his virgin birth to his inspiring victory over George W. "Satan" Bush. In a inspired bit of casting the role of Barack Obama will be played by none other than the star of Jesus Christ Superstar I himself, Jesus Christ. In a statement, Jesus Christ said that he is very pleased to be playing the new Savior of the Earth. "I enjoyed being the Savior, but it is obvious that I have been replaced, and I wish nothing but the best for our new Lord and Savior. I hope I can live up to his incredibly high standards."

The play has already sold out its 24 show run with tickets selling for over 20,000 dollars on eBay. Barack Obama himself has prophesied that the show will be a success, however privately he has been heard complaining that he would rather have been portrayed by Will Smith.

Despite All My Rage I Am Still Just an Internet Celebrity

While James Iha is gallivanting around with Taylor Hanson, his former frontman Billy Corgan has been seen wandering around Bravo events with another high-pitched singer who is inexplicably still famous: Myspace's very own Tila Tequila.

What. The. Hell.

I don't know what brough these two lovebirds together, or even if they are even together, but I hope that the pictures that have been popping up with these two eventually result in a Smashing Tequila Zwan album of overwrought, trippy duets about biocuriosity, perpetual baldness, and finding fame and relevance on the internet.

Super(?)group

This is not a joke. I stress that its not a joke...i know its going to seem like a joke but this band is for real. They are called tinted windows and consist of James Iha (Smashing Pumpkins) on guitar, Bun E. Carlos (Cheap Trick) on drums, Adam Schlesinger (Fountains of Wayne) on bass and Taylor Hanson (Hanson) vocals. From the clips available it seems like straight up power pop. Could be surprisingly decent....or not. Its certainly entertaining enough. There's an album due out 4/21 and they will be playing their first show at SXSW. See for yourself: http://stereogum.com/archives/video/post-3_054411.html

I for one am a sucker for a good pop tune and fear already that I might like this more than i should. I also love a good slab of irony, so they're 2 for 2. But the weirdness of it all may be too much to overcome. I guess we shall see come April.

And Now For Something Completely Different...

Today on the RollingScone, an Editorial... from Satan!

Lucifer D. Satan here, (the D stands for Delightful!). Today I would like to talk to you, dear RollingScone readers, about something that has been bugging me lately: the lack of props that have been shown to me in recent years. Doesn't anyone remember the good ol' days when artists were selling their souls to me left and right just for the opportunity to write a killer rock song. Robert Johnson, Led Zeppelin, the Beatles, Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan, The Monkee's; all wrote I.O.U's that their asses are gonna be cashin real soon. (Well except for the Stones, I gave them immortal life.) I used to get respect from the Blues community, they knew that I was the source of all their howlin' and pickin'. But today, nothing! You think Britney Spears sold out for all that "talent?" of course not, that's all Louisiana home cookin' right there. I mean I gave Axl Rose his soul back after the Use Your Illusion tour and look what happened, 13 damn years and all we got was Chinese Democracy? Good Lord! And don't think I haven't noticed all you heathens mocking me in your movies and TV shows.

First off, to Ralph "Karate Kid" Macchio, yeah you were great in Karate Kid, but there's no way you could handle what my shits bringin'. I could beat you with one hand tied behind my back, blindfolded while making out with Jamie Gertz. I love that one of my clients, Stevie Vai, played me in the movie, he's a real B.A. but c'mon! RALPH MACCHIO, and he didn't even have Pat Morita or that hot Shue girl to root him on. I definitely woulda put him in a body bag. Notice to Charlie Daniels, even if I did play the fiddle, which I don't 'cuz it's gay, I would still be able to kick your ass. Will Farrell and Garth Brooks, What The F!!!. You wanna compare songs? How bout Stairway to Heaven, Hey Jude, Sympathy for the Devil. I almost shit a brick when I saw that "skit." I'm the Devil, I think I know how to rock. And P.S. see you guys in about a week.

I don't even get my name in the liner notes anymore. At least Zeppelin gave me a shout out if you play Zeppelin IV backwards. And I'm pretty sure I made it into a few song lyrics back in the 70's. Chris Brown may be beating Rihanna in my name, but he sure ain't shoutin' my praises in his damn liner notes, or on Entertainment Tonight. Well whatever, I don't need any of your acknowledgements, I'll see you all soon anyway, when you're burning in hell!

RollingScone's Single of the Week

If you haven't heard the new track by The Lonely Island (feat. T-Pain), you should check it out immediately. It's sure to be the yacht club anthem of the year. Between T-Pain's processed vocals, endless declarative and imperative statements, and repeated curses, it has all the makings of a hit. Check out the song and the video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R7yfISlGLNU

BREAKING NEWS from the GRAMMYS

This Just In! Breaking News from the Grammy's™. In another startling upset, Metallica has been shut out once again, losing the "Best Rock Album" award to Jethro Tull. This Regarded as the front runners, the 0 time winning band, who recently decided to come back to the Grammy Awards after boycotting the event after their ...And Justice for All, lost out on the Best Hard Rock Album of the Year award to Jethro Tull. This recent announcement has caused some consternation as Jethro Tull wasn't actually nominated for any awards.

Also announced as winners at this year event:

U2 won 12 awards, including album of the year for All That You Can't Leave Behind, the 9th year in a row that this album has won the award.

Miley Cyrus won for Jailbait of the year award, supplanting last year's winner JoJo.

Jizz in my Pants won for Best Song, a first for the boys from Lonely Island.

Best Rap album was cancelled due to the fact that none of the nominators have ever listened to a rap album.

Bruce Springstein Apology

In a letter meant for Rolling Stone Magazine, which was accidentally stolen... err delivered to the wrong address, legendary rocker Bruce Springsteen has written a moving apology to his fans for his recent missteps.

Dear Fans,

I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen sincerely apologize to you for selling-out my morals and ethics and disappointing all of you. I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen apologize for signing an exclusive and lucrative contract with Wal-Mart so that they alone can sell my fantastic Greatest Hits album, featuring all of my biggest hits on two compact discs for only $8.99, which is a price anyone can afford, even those poor people who work under the oppressive yolk of the evil Wal-Mart corporation. In addition, I Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen apologize for allowing our Super Bowl performance to be taped, normally I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen, would never allow my musical integrity to be compromised, but in this case I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen decided to make an exception because they paid me a shit-load of money and hey, my kids gotta eat too right? I mean who the hell are you guys to tell me what to do. I wrote Thunder Road and Born to Run, what have you done lately, keep pumping my gas and buying my albums and shut the hell up. Finally, I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen, also apologize for teaming with General Mills and Wal-Mart to create my delicious new cereal, The Boss's Springsteen-O's, a delicious chocolate malted cereal with special instrument shaped marshmallows. Every box comes with a commemorative "I hate capitalism" playing card, collect all 52! Additionally it provides 14 essential vitamin's and minerals, perfect for a day of protesting the Iraq War or keying a Hummer! I, Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen would like to thank you, my fans, for calling me out on all my recent misdeeds, it is people like you who keep me honest.

Best,
Bruce "The Boss" Springsteen

p.s. I, "The Boss" pre-emptively apologize for my upcoming McDonald's Commercial in which I endorse Mayor McCheese/Ronald McDonald Presidential Ticket for 2012.

Ryan Adams Sets New Alt-Country Sales Record

Ryan Adams' latest effort in his prolific discography, Cardinology, has set an all time Alt-Country sales record. The album has been certified as Triple Paisley with sales of over 3,024, which shatters the previous mark mark of 3,011 held by the Jayhawks 1986 self titled debut. Ryan Adams currently holds the Alt-Country's top spot by having six albums that have reached Goldenrod (500 or more album sales) certified levels or better. When asked about this tremendous achievement, Mr. Adams responded by thanking his hundreds of fans. Adams also told RollingScone that he has seven more albums planned for release this week and two all new E.P's scheduled for today. Adams also clarified a lingering question that he is in fact "not Bryan Adams."

Rush Inducted Into Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Fans of the Month Club, Will Get 10% Off their First Visit

BREAKING NEWS!: RollingScone has just learned that seminal Canadian hard rock/prog/other band Rush has finally been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame Fans of the Month Club. The band, who ranks fourth behind the Beatles, Rolling Stones and Aerosmith for most consecutive Gold or Platinum albums, has long been a favorite of fans for their instrumental proficiency and eclectic style.

On Monday it was learned that after years and years of snubs, Rush has finally been asked to visit the ranks of rock elite, and the Scone has learned that on Friday, Alex Lifeson, Geddy Lee and Neil Peart will walk the hallowed halls in Cleveland, viewing famous props and instruments from actual members of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. However, like all other visitors, they will not be allowed to touch anything, and flash photography will be strictly prohibited. For $5 dollars more, the band will be allowed to see an exclusive film depicting the early years of hard rock. Geddy Lee has also been quoted as saying he will be purchasing a Cleveland Rocks! commemorative coin from the gift shop, and "maybe a Sex Pistols T-shirt," (29.99 + tax).

CREATE YOUR OWN CAPTION!!! volume 1

We here at RollingScone think our fans deserve a little something for slogging through all this tripe and so we have decided to rip off the New Yorker and let you, the reader, create your own caption for this hilaaaarious picture above. Send your submissions to JStags@yahoo.com so we can mock them without mercy. If yours is chosen you will get nothing, except a byline in the smallest font that we can manage. If no one sends anything (very likely) then our editor Joseph Steigerwald will make his own because chances are he's better at it than you anyway.

Sample Examples:
Beyonce (to Pete Seeger): Oh Mr. Seeger, I really like that "Night Moves" song, and "Turn the Page" is one of my all-time favorites!

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): Oh hey, how's the marriage you two. My kids really like that "Crazy in Love" song you guys did.

Bruce Springsteen (to Beyonce): Your Music is bullshit.

Pete Seeger (to Will.i.am and Beyonce): They let you guys run for president?

Will.i.am (to himself): What the hell's an inauguration.

Beyonce (to herself): Is this Bono...?

Pete Seeger (to himself): Hopefully someone will mistake me for Willie Nelson and give me a joint.



(Pete Seeger, Bruce Springsteen, Beyonce Knowles, and will.i.am at the We Are One concert at the Lincoln Memorial during festivities for the inauguration of President Barack Obama. Photo courtesy Alex Brandon of the Associated Press.)

What is a true music fan?

I've noticed that lately I've been getting a lot of attention on the Scone for my musical knowledge. There's my description as a "compendium of knowledge," Claire referring to me as a "true music fan", and now I'm making headlines for being like the guy from High Fidelity. This is all well and good, because my musical knowledge is something that I pride myself on. But it got me thinking...what really is a true music fan and why am I one? This is a far more complex question than it appears on the surface, but here are a few points for consideration.

1. Emotional Response - This one is a no brainer. If music doesn't trigger an emotional response in you or if music is something that you feel totally indifferent about then you are simply not a true music fan. But this is where it gets tricky. There are people (believe it or not) who feel very intensely about bad music. Sure, to them it may not be bad, but is someone who is only listening to boy bands really a true music fan? That is why I suggest point #2.

2. Street/Indie Cred - For lack of any better terms. Basically, if all you listen to is what the radio feeds you, then you are missing a huge piece of the "true music fan" puzzle. Not because all music on the radio is crap and not because the less known a band is the better, but simply because the music that gets played on the radio is only the smallest fraction of the total amount of music made. If that's all you know, then you don't know much.

3. Desire to Hear New Things - I'm often asked by people, "How do you hear about some of these bands that you listen to?" My honest answer is that I have no idea. I start listening to one artist, find out about them and their influences, and suddenly the floodgates are opened to others. It is true that many people just aren't exposed to a lot of music. The "boy band fans" referred to earlier might love other things if they would just hear it, but thats not enough. Pick up any music magazine (there's a lot of them) and read a review. A true music fan will seek out the music that sounds appealing to them. Someone who is not a true music fan will think, "well that sounds like it might be good" but never follows through.

4. Will Realize That Point #2 is at Least Partially Bullshit - This is for the exact reason mentioned within #2: Not all mainstream music is bad and not every obscure band is good. A good song is a good song no matter who its by. A true music fan will be able to tell the difference between the good and the bad and not care about what liking a certain artist or song will do to their cred. Far too many people get caught up in caring way too much about how popular something is. There is no reason to start hating your once favorite band just because a few more people found out about them.

5. Thinks About Music - Some might argue this or say it doesnt really make a difference. If you ask me, this is what really separates the men from the boys (sorry, ladies). I like to make lists. I'm not saying that you have to make lists to be a true music fan but I don't think that the experience should end when the music does. Making lists just gives me a framework for thinking about the music. Sometimes its very hard to decide which album is better when you really like both a lot. It forces you to become more critical. I'll think about the lyrics, the melodies, the instrumentation, the cohesiveness of the songs, how an album is paced etc. The time taken to think in between listening will get me excited about listening to it again.

See if you can add/remove any points from this list. I'd like to see if we can come up with enough criteria so that we eliminate every single person from being a true music fan.

Headlines for January 21st, 2009

Monday, January 21st, 2009

This, is RollingScone.

• Dateline Monday: Everyone’s friend who knows a lot about music is “Just like the guy in ‘High Fidelity’” Jason Reis is just like the guy in High Fidelity.
• Shocking First Person Account: "I went into this record store, and it was just like 'High Fidelity'"
• Simple Plan: ...That’s it, that’s the entire joke
• A 1945 Editorial: Can the Jitterbug menace be stopped?
• Q&A Exclusive: My woman done me wrong, why does she treat me so mean?
• Today's Poll: 95% of America likes “everything except country and rap”
• Weather: It's Not Raining Men all week. Weather Girls not approved by the American Meteorological Society. Men raining from heaven not scientifically accurate.

RollingScone EXCLUSIVE: First look at Obama Inauguration Theme Song

In an exclusive story, RollingScone has uncovered the formerly secret lyrics to the Barack Obama Inauguration Theme Song. The song, which was chosen in a contest won by little known soul singer Lady D, will be played on Tuesday during the Inauguration. The inspirational melody was inspired by John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change," "You're the Best" by Joe Esposito and the intro is a direct keyboard homage to "Final Countdown" by Europe.

The previously unknown lyrics to Lady D's "Go Higher."

To all the spirits gone before us,
to all the ones who know us,
we've been here waiting,
waiting for a change.

A change in all of our lives,
a change coming 'cuz of our cries,
embodied in just one man,
a man who says, yes we can!

Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep Barack down,
Obama's the best around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

Obama's gonna change the nation,
gonna fix the economy,
reverse global warming,
clean up Iraq and spark world harmony.

Obama's gonna outlaw all things that are bad,
like crying babies, and clowns that are sad.
No more murder, guns or divorce,
What about healthcare? Universal, of course!

Obama's gonna fix the BCS,
Obama's gonna join the Washington Wizards
and win an NBA championship
then he's gonna become a wide reciever for the Redskins,
and catch 200 catches, and win the MVP and a Super Bowl,
then he's gonna fly to Pakistan and use his x-ray vision to find Bin Laden
and then he's gonna star in his very own motion picture and it'll gross 500 million dollars
and then when the aliens come, Obama's gonna fight them off with his bare hands, and blow up the Alien's mothership with his Change Power and then he's -

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

(guitar solo)

Fight! till you drop,
never stop! You can't give up!
Until you reach the top! (Fight!)
You're the best in town! (Fight!)
Listen to that sound! (Fight!)
A little bit of all you got, will never bring you down!

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down.

'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down. (Nothing!)
'cuz Obama's the best, around
nothings gonna ever keep him down. (Nothing!)

RollingScone EXCLUSIVE!: Sufjan Stevens Declares Washington D.C. Subject of Next Album in Fifty States Project

Folk singer-songwriter-musician Sufjan Stevens, in an inexpected move, has declared Washington D.C. to be the third album of his ongoing project to write an album about all of the fifty United States of America. The first two albums in the series reflected on the history and geography of Michigan, Stevens' home state, and Illinois. Although there has been much speculation about the next state chosen for the project, with Oregon, California, New Jersey, and New York mentioned most often, but choosing the District of Columbia was the subject of his next album was an unexpected move, especially since it is not actually a state. However, according to Stevens, was the basis of its appeal in his nationwide musical adventure.

"The District of Columbia was a really interesting subject for this album. Residents of Washington D.C. enjoy less self-governance than anyone else in the nation. They couldn't even vote for president until 1961! With the historic election of Barack Obama, I became more interested in the musical possibilities of the folklore and mystery of the United States government," says Stevens.

The album is expected be a significant musical departure for Stevens from his normal soulful melancholy, orchestral folk, possibly incorporating musical elements previously unused by Stevens, including patriotic songs, jazz, rap, and hardcore.

RollingScone 2008 Band of the Year!

RollingScone would like to congratulate the Free Credit Report.com Band as the 2008 RollingScone Band of the Year. The band, which released it's first album, Free Credit Report.com (offer applies with enrollment in Triple Advantage), on Def Jam Records in March took over the airwaves and went Triple Platinum in the US and sold over 10,000,000 copies worldwide. The band also boasted three #1 singles, including Free Credit Report.com in Tights, Free Credit Report.com (Girlfriend's Basement Remix) and Free Credit Report.com (Crappy Car Mix). The band has appeared on the Tonight Show, Late Night with Conan O'Brien, Jimmy Kimmel and the Late Show three times. Lead singer and bassist Steve O'Connell says that the band is back in the studio working on their new album with producer Jon Brion. O'Connell has hinted that the new album will take the band in a different direction and says that people shouldn't be surprised if some new influences from the hip-hop world show up. Akon and the Neptunes have been rumored to appear and Kanye West has also expressed interest. The still untitled new album is tenatively due in late October 2009.

RollingScone Interview: Kanye West

The RollingScone Interview: Kanye West
presented by the RNC and the New Orleans Tourism Board.

RollingScone: Hello and welcome back to the RS.com real interview. Today’s guest is multi-platinum recording artist Kanye West.

Kanye West: ShiiiTTttt SonnnNN, YouUuu CannNNN PriiNNttT whhatttEEVER you WaNNTT, I’MM KanNYee WeSSTtTTt, I DoNN’TT CarrEEE WhaTtT U SssAaayy, I MakkeEE MuussiiCCc ForRrR the MasSSSess, foRRr tHHee PeeeOppLLe. Goooooddd LiiiIIiiIIifffEE!

RollingScone: Uhm alright let’s talk about your latest album, 808’s and Heartbreak, now you really went a different direction with this album, gone are most of your boasts about being the greatest MC alive and instead you seem to get in touch with your emo side, explain how this all came about.

Kanye West: I’mmMmm a TrrUeEE ArTiSTt, I DoN’Ttt NeEeEeDdd YoUuu ComMmenntTinnggG onN WhatTt KinNNdd of SoNG I’mmMMm mmmAking-

RollingScone: Ok, can I stop you for just a second, what the hell is up with your voice. Is that the-

Kanye West: ThaaAAAttss the AuuutttOOO-TuuuuNNNeeeE, fooorrRRR the nEwW AAllbuM Iii WanTTTeddD to GggGGgOooOooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooooOOOOOoooooOoOOoooOooOooOoOoOoOOooooooooooooooooooooo0000000000000oooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooOOooooOOOOOOOOOOoOoooooooOOOOoooooOOoooOOOoooooOOOoOOoooOooOoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooO O O OoooooooOOoo Inn a neWW dirrEcCtiOOnnn and ShOwOwoWoOW offFF my innncrEdible VoCCaLLL talleNNNTSSS. JessUUssSS Wallllkksss!

RollingScone: It’s incredibly distracting. I think you’re probably supposed to turn it off when-

Kanye West: biittTchh Iii’Mm Kanye WeSSttTTTT, I’m the GrrreAtttEsttTT RappErrr aliiiIIvvvEEee. attTTT the Enddd offff the DaYyyayyayyayayyyYY I Don’tTTt GiiivEee A F---KKKk if YouuU ThIiinKkk I’MmMM ArrOOoGAanNNtttT, YouUUu CanNNN PuTTTT aLllLL Thiss OnNN Hereeeee, You KOOnNNWw WhyyYYY? I MakKEee MussIIccc for THEeee PeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEople. FlaaaaSShiiNnggg LiiiigGGhhTTSS!

RollingScone: Ok why don’t you just get the hell-

Akon: Convict(Convict…convict…convict…) Akooonnnnnn. Convict (Convict… convict… convict) and Kaaannyyeee Westttt.

RollingScone: What in God’s name is this?

Kanye West: Ittt’sss thEEe MoothherrrrF----n reeeemixxxxXX, Chicaaagooooo raaaAIIIsee Upp!!! ThrroOuughHH the WiiiiIIreEEE.

Akon: Reeemixxxx, Convict (convict… convict… convict). Akonnnnnnn.

Kanye West: (clap) (clap) (clap) (clap) Yeah thatttTTsss Righttt, worrrLddSSS grEatesT MC. I canNN turn Shittt to GoldDdd. GeeOOrrGgeee BuuSShhh HAtteeessSS BlAaCkk peOpleee and BlaAcKKK PeppErRR and BlaAAckkboaARRddSS.

RollingScone: Thanks for nothing! Join us again for another thrilling edition of the Rollingscone Interview, brought to you by Fibersol, stay regular with Fibersol.
Next time we have - fresh from the grave - Barry White!

Suburban Moms Love Ball of Flame Shoot Fire

The music of Pittsburgh indie rock darlings Ball of Flame Shoot Fire has proven to be immensely popular with a strange demographic - suburban moms. Ball of Flame Shoot Fire, composed of Mt. Lebanon High School graduates, released their first EP, Grumpy Little Bird, in 2007, and released their first full-length album Jokeland in late 2008. Often compared to Man Man, Beirut, and other nationally acclaimed indie rock darlings, Ball of Flame Shoot Fire combines epic, time-signature changing, hyper-instrumented with a choir of falsetto voices. They shout, they clap, they bang on stuff, they frantically sing nonsense about religion and love and people named Bertie. And all of this endears them to the women who raised them and others like them. Says Wilson Cook-Winston, the band's pianist, "As the sons of suburban moms, it makes sense that we understand the issues they face, which comes out in our music, especially the live shows." Suburban moms are a great demographic for the band to attract - with their large disposable income and an adorable lack of knowledge about music piracy, they make ideal fans. The band has started to look into ways to accomodate this portion of their rapidly growing fanbase. Says saxaphonist Henry Peters, "We'll probably have to play live at more reasonable times - maybe lunchtime concerts they can go while the kids are at school. And a whole new line of apparel - aprons, New Balance cross-trainers, and control top pantyhose."

Even non-suburban non-moms are invited to check out BOFSF at www.myspace.com/bofsf

Best of 2008

Every year I make a list of my favorite albums from that year. And every year I post it on my myspace blog and no one seems to care. So now I share my list with you, beloved readers of Rolling Scone, in hopes that maybe one of you will care enough to enter into a heated debate with me about one of my selections and its placement. You could even share a list of your own with me, and I will tell you how wrong you are. After all, making lists isn't about enjoying music, it's about being right. So without further ado I now present to you my 100 favorite albums of 2008.

100. District Line - Bob Mould
99. Working Man’s Café - Ray Davies
98. Modern Guilt - Beck
97. Lay It Down - Al Green
96. Do You Like Rock Music? - British Sea Power
95. Golden Delicious - Mike Doughty
94. Momofuku - Elvis Costello
93. Mercy…Dancing for the Death of an Imaginary Enemy - Ours
92. It Is Time For A Love Revolution - Lenny Kravitz
91. Warpaint - Black Crowes
90. Field Manual - Chris Walla
89. The Stand Ins - Okkervil River
88. Happy In Galoshes - Scott Weiland
87. A Piece of What You Need - Teddy Thompson
86. Exit Strategy of the Soul - Ron Sexsmith
85. Robert Pollard Is Off To Business - Robert Pollard
84. Caught In the Trees - Damien Jurado
83. Now or Heaven - The Broken West
82. Sunshine Lies - Matthew Sweet
81. Forth - The Verve
80. Recovery - Loudan Wainwright III
79. Volume 1: Frozen Ropes and Dying Quails - The Baseball Project
78. Detours - Sheryl Crow
77. The Sucker Punch Show - Lovedrug
76. Real Animal - Alejandro Escovedo
75. Seeing Things - Jakob Dylan
74. The Seldom Seen Kid - Elbow
73. Slick Dogs and Ponies - Louis XIV
72. Acid Tongue - Jenny Lewis
71. Fire Songs - The Watson Twins
70. Weezer (Red Album) - Weezer
69. Flock - Bell X1
68. Brain Thrust Mastery - We Are Scientists
67. Ode To J. Smith - Travis
66. Brighter Than Creation’s Dark - Drive-By Truckers
65. Electric Arguments - The Fireman
64. Giving Up the Ghost - Jackie Greene
63. Into the Sun - Candlebox
62. Songs In A & E - Spiritualized
61. Addicted To Company (Part 1) - Paddy Casey
60. We Have Cause To Be Uneasy - Wild Sweet Orange
59. Gossip In the Grain - Ray LaMontagne
58. In the Future - Black Mountain
57. Dig!!! Lazarus Dig!!! - Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
56. Secret Machines - Secret Machines
55. Dig Out Your Soul - Oasis
54. Fleet Foxes - Fleet Foxes
53. Jukebox - Cat Power
52. Como Te Llama? - Albert Hammond Jr.
51. Furr - Blitzen Trapper
50. In the Ever - Mason Jennings
49. Volume One - She & Him
48. Real Emotional Trash - Stephen Malkmus & Jicks
47. Off With Their Heads - Kaiser Chiefs
46. Here We Stand - The Fratellis
45. Raise the Dead - Phantom Planet
44. Everthing That Happens Will Happen Today - David Byrne and Brian Eno
43. Break Up the Concrete - The Pretenders
42. Low vs Diamond - Low vs Diamond
41. 4:13 Dream - The Cure
40. Temporary People - Joseph Arthur and the Lonely Astronauts
39. Hope for the Hopeless - Brett Dennen
38. Narrow Stairs - Deathcab For Cutie
37. Connor Oberst - Connor Oberst
36. Can’t Love, Can’t Hurt - Augustana
35. Pull the Pin - Stereophonics
34. A Hundred Million Suns - Snow Patrol
33. Elephants…Teeth Sinking Into Heart - Rachael Yamagata
32. Asking For Flowers - Kathleen Edwards
31. For My Friends - Blind Melon
30. Grand Archives - Grand Archives
29. Day & Age - The Killers
28. Oceans Will Rise - The Stills
27. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend
26. Attack & Release - The Black Keys
25. Saturday Nights & Sunday Mornings - Counting Crows
24. Heart On - Eagles of Death Metal
23. Here’s To Being Here - Jason Collett
22. Perfect Symmetry - Keane
21. The Virgins - The Virgins
20. Parallel Player - Sloan
19. Fate - Dr. Dog
18. Felice Brothers - Felice Brothers
17. Evil Urges - My Morning Jacket
16. Freedom Wind - The Explorers Club
15. Viva La Vida or Death and All His Friends - Coldplay
14. Saturnalia - Gutter Twins
13. A Long Dream About Swimming Across the Sea - Tyler Ramsey
12. Blame It On Gravity - Old 97’s
11. Mermaids - Slow Runner
10. For Emma, Forever Ago - Bon Iver
9. Cardinology - Ryan Adams and the Cardinals
8. Animal!/Not Animal - Margot and the Nuclear So and So’s
7. Diamond Hoo Ha - Supergrass
6. Konk - The Kooks
5. Dear Science - TV on the Radio
4. Stay Positive - The Hold Steady
3. Consolers of the Lonely - The Raconteurs
2. Only By The Night - Kings of Leon
1. Lucky - Nada Surf

Why I Like Fall Out Boy, Plus Bonus Folie a Deux Review!

Nobody likes Fall Out Boy, no band is currently the focus of more derision from the likes of uppity indie kids (including the ones i know). The leading music critics have been kinder to this super stardom seeking pop/rock band from Illinois. Giving their last album "Infinity on High" an average score of about 70 (METACRITIC combined score from multiple reviews). FOB's current album Follie a Deux has garnered even better scores including a coveted score of 'A' by the Onion (and you know the Onion doesn't F around). Unfortunately this critical respect does not translate into respect. Most of the hatred lands directly at the feet of Pete Wentz, who stands as the current face of emo/faux-punk that Fall Out Boy is lumped in with. This is probably due to the fact that he is an immense tool. One of the largest in the history of music. However, the music that FOB makes refuses to reach to Wentz's low standards. Patrick Stump, lead vocalist has one of the better, if not best, voice's in rock today. Stump's style is completely unique, although he obviously has cribbed notes from people like Phil Collins and Robert Plante. Stump has a great vocal range, dipping from sweet smokey highs to cavernous lows within a single musical phrase. Stump's love of hip hop and R&B is reflected in their music. On Infinity on High they went out and got uber-producer Babyface to produce a few of their songs. On Folie a Deux they lose Babyface but retain the slick R&B ambition.

The new album retains some of Wentz's usual too long, too clever song titles. Names like A Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On a Bad Bet and Disloyal Order of Water Buffalo's are a mouthful and too clever by half, but at least this time it eschews the ridiculous puns of previous albums, I'm like a Lawyer With the Way I'm Always Trying to Get You Off, anyone? Fortunately the music continues the strong growth that most bands would kill for. Most people probably don't realize that having a spectacular first album is NOT the norm for most bands, it takes time for all the elements to come together, especially for pop/punk bands who usually know 3-5 chords. Well the elements have finally coalesced into a musical juggernaut. Guitar, check. Rhythm section, check. Lyrics, check minus. Vocals, check plus.

Disloyal Order of Buffalo's starts out the album basically the same way Thriller started off Infinity on High, cept with no Jay-Z boast. Stump retains his brilliant phrasing and vocalistic tics, constantly trilling the last words of each phrase in a R&B'ish style that reminds one of another short white boy who loves R&B, Mr. Phil Collins. The best look at his ridiculous range is apparent on the Neptunes produced W.A.M.S. which groves appropriately with both white and black boy soul. Fall Out Boy's main competition My Chemical Romance went the concept album route with The Black Parade and opted to crank up the guitar heroics and pay tribute to old school rockers like Queen, T.Rex and Pink Floyd. On the other hand, FOB are routed much more firmly in hip-hop (cameos by Pharell and Lil' Wayne!) and new wave (Elvis Costello and Debbie Harry show up, briefly). Guitar solo's are not permitted and the guitars crunch in a fashion reminiscent of later day Green Day and Blink-182. The album may not quite reach the pinnacles that their brothers in arms in Green Day (American Idiot) and My Chemical Romance (Black Parade) reached, it is indisputably a very good album. The hooks start strong and end strong, every song on the album is packed tight full of 'em. I Don't Care has a simple riff that grabs hold, while Stump belts out the usual Wentz-ish lyrics. If you dont know what those are, here's a hint, woe-is-me I'm famous but I hate the spotlight. Fortunately Wentz also takes time to bash Bush, (20 Dollar Nose Bleed) and praise recreational drugs (also, 20 Dollar Nose Bleed). But the musical the wide range of musical styles that FOB take on are the real stars of the show. It's all bright and simple but all excellently crafted and so addictive, like heroin or Rock of Love.

Haters will continue missing out on one of the best up and coming band primarily because of Pete Wentz's insistance on being a media whore and because their first albums were pretty average with a few good singles. Too bad for them, for the rest of us (reviewers, me, teenage girls) we will continue to eat up the deliciousness that FOB serves. Remember, the Beatles didn't make very good records at first either, but once they hit their stride they were pretty good (disclaimer, FOB will never be the Beatles). To paraphrase Mr. Wentz, Fallout Boy doesn't care what you think, as long as it's about them. Haters Beware!

Folie A Deux: A-
Infinity on High: B
From Under The Cork Tree: B-

Electronica is the New Emo

Picture this, dear reader. The year is 2003. Brand New, Good Charlotte, and Something Corporate rule the pop-punk-emo airwaves (coincidentally, Fall Out Boy is being signed to Island Records, but no one cares about them, much like now). Misguided teenagers spend their allowances on eyeliner and buttons from Hot Topic. They are misunderstood, awkward, sad. In the eternal words of Oasis, there are many things that they would like to say to you, but they don't know how. Take a deep breath dear reader, and remember how it felt to listen to the Get-Up Kids in your parents' basement, checking your Hotmail account looking up what you thought were masterpieces that only required four powerchords on Tabcrawler.

But, dead reader, the year is now 2009. The sun has finally risen, the puddles have dried, a new age now begins. Six long years later, many of these morose teenagers are now directionless twenty-somethings. Hotmail has been traded for Gmail, anything from Hot Topic has been shoved in the depths of closets and drawers, and the old emo albums remain unchecked in their iTunes library. The former emos aren't happy, but they deal with the emptiness of their existence differently now. Enter the age of emotionless, dance-friendly electronica.

I know, how on earth did that happen? What could possibly make electronica the new emo? Electronica is the anti-emo, and if emo kids know anything, it's about betraying your roots. I know it was a long time ago, but remember that emo attempted to be REAL, EMOTIONAL, ROCK MUSIC!!! \m/!!! that you could FEEL from your beanie with a baseball brim to your monochrome Chuck Taylors. Electronica? It's repetitive, beep-y, and somehow strangely hypnotic. Why is this the new refuge for the former emo devotee?

After years of wallowing in self-pity with nothing to show for it, a barista or bartending job and tattoos that are going out of style, yesterday's emo kid has moved out of the house into a crappy, drafty apartment, is drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon every night, and taken their rightful place among the masses of other formerly separate subcultures now grouped together as hipsters. And after years of self-induced depression, the exercise you can get rocking out to Justice, Daft Punk, and many other notables is the best antidote. Yes, dear reader, electronica outscores emo on the danceability scale 9 times out of 10.

Although the lyrics of electronica are mostly nonsense, emo kids have finally realized that there are only so many ways to sing/whine/scream about love lost/unrequited/regretted. Like everything else in their lives, they want their music to numb rather than incite. Electronica is a musical drug to counter emo's heartbreaking sobriety.

Who knows, in another six years, we may see a shift towards lite rock or heavy metal. Because if anyone knows crap music, it's an emo kid.

The Re-Re-Re-Return of Rolling Scone?

Recent reminiscing of the Rolling Scone's glory days (found at http://www.xanga.com/rollingscone) has inspired a new generation of self-declared music aficionados without comedic or grammatical talents to tell YOU, the people of this fine nation, how to feel about rock, and perhaps, if you are so lucky, even roll. Yes, even roll.

What does this mean for you, dear reader? This means infinitely more music reviews and counter-reviews, music news and olds, and top 3528691648916 whatevers of all time lists than you've seen since 2007. This means that you'll have yet another website to add to your blogroll or RSS feed, for the tech-savvy youths, to waste time while you should be pursuing higher education, expanding your mind, or paying the bills. This means the staff here will be busy making sure that you will have moderate amounts of nearly adequate music-related written content that is unrelated to the debatable genius, or lack thereof, of Stephen Malkmus. Because Pitchfork can go suck it.